Double DILF Doodies
by JordanPhoenix
Summary: Smug Phoenix & Miles think they can handle ANYTHING life can throw at them since they're geniuses in the courtroom! So when their wives challenge them to babysit SOLO for ONE night, they think it'll be a breeze compared to the "real" hard jobs they do on a daily basis! But being Ace Daddies is the ULTIMATE test - will they wind up eating their words? Post SOJ. Cover by: allamanda29
1. MILF's Night Out

_A/N: This short story is dedicated as a birthday gift to my dear friend and fellow FF writer Ilet Moratar . She presented me the following scenario: How would hot married DILF's Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth, who think being a stay at home mom is SO easy compared to their oh-so-hard lawyer jobs, handle themselves if their wives decided to teach them the ultimate lesson, and skip out on them for a wild night out on the town - leaving them to (de)fend for themselves against their children? Simple! After all, they handle crazies and murderers - how hard can four kids under the age of 5 be, WRIGHT? :p_

 ** _Phoenix Wright is the property of Capcom. I own nothing otherwise all these awesome couples will actually exist beyond my imagination!_**

* * *

 **Chapter One:** **MILF Night Out**

 _ **Maya Fey-Wright and Phoenix Wright  
**_ _ **Miles Edgeworth and Franziska Von-Edgeworth  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles  
_ June 21, 2034

"I won't be very long Nick…we should be home by midnight, tops," Maya told her husband, giving him a quick kiss as she grabbed her coat.

"No we will _not_!" Franziska declared, crossing her arms. "I am celebrating my _milestone birthday_ with a rare girl's night out and I _refuse_ to be subjected to a curfew! We shall return … _whenever_ it is that we decide to come home! So _take that_!"

" _Meine dame_ , 35 isn't really a _milestone_ ," Edgeworth reminded his wife. "Also, your birthday was last weekend. Remember? We left Mila and Gregory with Ema and Klavier, and I took you to that fancy French restaurant you were imploring me to take you to?"

"It's a _mini_ milestone, _liebling_. Ergo, I get a _full birthday_ _week_!" The striking German woman exclaimed. Much like her stunning raven-haired companion for the evening, both women still appeared to be at most in their late-20's, and somehow had managed to retain their trim figures from youth, without a grey hair or wrinkle in sight. "After all, when _you_ turned 40, did you not get to spend that wild weekend in Vegas with your boys, without hearing any _objections_ from me?"

"I remember that weekend!" Maya giggled. "Something about a _Turnabout Gone Wrong_ , er, occurrence with a _showgirl drag queen…_ and an embarrassing night spent in the drunk tank. It was both you guys, along with Apollo _and_ Gumshoe if memory serves me correctly…"

"I still think Klavier has the photos on his camera," Edgeworth chuckled.

" _Maya_!" Phoenix whined, who had been the victim of said _drag queen_ incident. He glared at his best friend then looked beseechingly at his wife. "Give me a break! I was _drunk_! And you promised _never_ to bring that up again!"

"She _lied_!" Franziska _derided._ "And _you're_ a fine one to mock, _liebling_! Let us not forget _my_ spouse, Mr. Chief Prosecutor, being a most pristine and _wonderful_ representation, full of the dignity of his office…what with being moved to tears by _his own karaoke performance of_ _**Copacabana**_!"

"I can't believe you two are _still_ bringing that up," Edgeworth grumbled, red-faced, while it was Phoenix's turn to snigger now. "After all, that was _two_ _years_ ago! Also, remind me to _strangle Butz with my cravat_ for posting that video on YouTube!"

"I suppose I should detain you from winding up in behind bars – yet again! – And no, I _cannot_ defend you, Edgy, seeing as how you _just_ told me your premeditated murder plans!" Phoenix sighed. "I feel compelled to remind you that said bumble butt _was_ the one who ultimately bailed us out that night. However, that certainly didn't give him free pass to be such a _snitch_! I'm going to blame Iris's influence for that! Even though she's his wife now and no longer a nun, she seems to have held him fast and true to that vow of _obedience_!"

"OK, enough already about Mr. and Mrs. Butz!" Maya laughed. "Franziska, we really should get moving now. Ema, Maggey and Adrian will be at _the place_ already. And Athena wishes she could have come, but she's still breastfeeding Dionysus. Yes she could have totally pumped her milk, but between us, I personally I don't think she trusts Apollo alone with the baby yet!"

"Possibly because Mr. Chords of Steel hasn't learned to use his _inside_ voice yet on baby's tender ears so he won't cry as much?" Franziska kidded.

"Six months later, I profess I still find it most amusing that the Greek God couple decided to name their first born after the God of wine," Edgeworth smirked.

"Probably because a little _too much vino_ one night was the reason little Dion was _conceived_!" Maya snickered. "Nevertheless, it was also what got Polly to finally propose to that girl! Honestly, Nick, he was nearly as bad as _you_! Was _your_ influence the _real_ reason he took so long to make an honest woman out of Ms. Cykes?"

" _Objection_! Apollo made it _very_ clear he would have done it anyway!" Phoenix protested. "And I believe him!" He scratched the back of his neck. "Ah, let's just say little Dion being um, a _surprise but welcome_ addition to the Justice family just happened to _expedite_ matters is all…"

" _Uh-huh_ …" Maya arched an eyebrow at him, and he flushed.

"Also, you seem to have forgotten the _extenuating_ circumstances which _kept_ _me_ from finally getting that ring on your finger, Mrs. Wright!"

Eager to cease yet another historical round of the Wright's infamous frequent squabbles, even though they were like clouds passing the sun in seriousness and duration most of the time, Franziska hastily changed the subject.

"I suppose the newlyweds naming their son after a Greek God was no less predictable than the two of _you_ naming yours after a mythical bird," she inserted, referring to Phoenix and Maya's 2-year-old son, Roc, although his parents and everyone else, called him by his middle name, Ace. "Along with naming your daughter after Mia."

"My late, great, sister-in-law lives on through her mini-doppelganger niece," Phoenix grinned proudly. "As for naming him Roc, hey, father, like son. Guilty as charged!"

"Speaking of which, where _is_ our son?" Maya asked her husband. "Did Ace go watch TV with Gregory in the den, or did he follow his sister to Mila's room?"

"Er…" Phoenix looked at his wife blankly and blushed. "Um, I'm not _sure_ …didn't _you_ see where he ran off to, Maya?"

" _Nick_!" Maya regarded him in disbelief. "We've been here barely _20 minutes_ and you've _already_ misplaced our son?!"

Phoenix looked helplessly at his best friend, but Edgeworth merely shrugged.

"Your guess is as good as mine, Wright."

"Miles, you guys live in a _condo_!" Maya snapped. "How _hard_ is it to keep track of a set of five-year-old twins, as well the world's noisiest 4-year-old girl and a toddler?! Honestly, I don't know which one of you is worse at this moment!"

"And _I_ am having second thoughts about entrusting our children to either of these two fools, even for one night!" Franziska added wryly. "Maybe we _should_ have dropped them off at Athena and Apollo's place. For heaven's sake I'd ask Trucy or Pearl if I could…"

"But Trucy's in Vegas doing a magic show, and Pearly has to tend to Kurain matters back in the village as my second in command," Maya finished. "Don't feel too sorry for her though, she's got Luke to keep her company!"

"Humph! I don't see you bugging _Mr. Triton_ about when _he_ plans on making an _honest woman_ out of our eldest daughter," Phoenix grumbled at his wife.

"That's because _he's_ only _24_ not _34_ like _you_ were!" Maya gave her husband a _look_. "And don't even _think_ of trying to change the subject, Old Man! I am _not_ leaving this place until you go find our son!"

" _Daddy_!" A tiny voice squealed suddenly. The two couples turned around to see a miniature version of Phoenix, right down to the black spikes and sapphire eyes, come running into the living room on his tiny chubby legs.

Ace's father hastily reached down and scooped his son up in his arms, ignoring the glare Maya shot him.

"Look, my love, I found him," he said weakly.

Maya shook her head in dismay, then turned to Franziska, her pretty face pensive.

"You have the phone numbers of all the kid's pediatricians, including the after-hours ones, along with the one for the local fire department and poison control center on the fridge, right?" She asked nervously.

"Affirmative. I also have Chief Gumshoe's emergency cell number, and the Mother Nurse hotline in case _someone_ allows their son to somehow get into the castor oil again…" Franziska stared pointedly at her husband. Edgeworth at least had the decency to blush.

"How many times can I say I'm sorry, _meine dame_?!" He cried plaintively. "You're always worrying about the twins being _regular_! While it wound up being a rather messy situation at least that was _no longer a cause for concern_ with Gregory afterwards, if I recall…"

Franziska was already massaging her temples at the memory.

"I'd reschedule if I could," she muttered. "Or find another _competent_ sitter if one were available! But it'd be too cruel to dump all four kids last minute on Athena and Apollo…"

"Hey!" Phoenix looked wounded. "Are you implying that Edgeworth and I, as the _fathers_ of these tots, are not competent to look after our own kids for a _few hours_?"

"I was _implying_ nothing, Phoenix Wright!" Franziska snapped. "I'm _flat out saying it_!"

"I can't defend you Nick, sorry." Maya flashed an impish grin. "Besides, Franziska, there's no way we are cancelling plans here. My husband seems to have forgotten that I had a certain _score_ to settle with him tonight!"

" _What_ score?" Edgeworth demanded, already frowning at a suddenly sheepish looking Phoenix. "Wright you imbecile, what have you done _now_?"

"Oh, _honey_ , you mean you _didn't_ repeat your _obnoxious, sexist_ comment to our friends, about how your _big, important lawyer job_ is so much _harder_ than me and Franziska's roles as stay at home moms?" Maya asked sweetly.

"Wright you _fool_!" Edgeworth looked aghast. "You said _what_?!"

"And how you thought tonight would _be a breeze_ ," Maya continued ruthlessly as her husband reddened further. "You told me you guys could just _chill out and watch some TV_ and baby-sitting would be like _getting a night off_?"

"Hey, she's putting words in my mouth!" Phoenix insisted. "I didn't _quite_ say it like that!"

" _Oh_?" Now it was Franziska's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Do tell us then, Phoenix, how you _did_ put it?"

"Well…" Phoenix visibly withered under the three sets of eyes glowering at him, two indignant female and one visibly irked male. "Maya was complaining about how the kids were driving her nuts one day, and I _might_ have said…um, if she thought _that_ was hard, she should try coming to court and dealing with the wackos _I_ have to contend with…"

Edgeworth was impatiently tapping his famous forefinger against his arm as he silently let his friend try to crawl out of the hole he'd dug himself into.

"Come on Edgeworth, back me up!" Phoenix begged, as the women upped their withering stares. " _You've_ seen the kind of witnesses and clients I've dealt with over the years in the quest of justice for all!"

The prosecutor dropped his stern gaze a notch and looked guiltily at his wife, who was standing in an identical stance to Maya, arms crossed and tapping her foot, in wait of his response.

"Well…. _meine dame_ , you've been a lawyer as well!" He said at last. "Wright is hardly exaggerating about the kind of _lunatics_ and cockamamie shenanigans we've _all_ had to contend with! And Maya, while you weren't an attorney, you _were_ his legal assistant for a long time! _Surely_ you recall the trials and tribulations of the courts…"

"Miles Edgeworth, I cannot _believe_ you're defending this _sexist_ foolish fool!" Franziska fumed. "I thought _you_ at least, were the more evolved one of the two of you! How sorely you disappoint me!"

" _Meine dame_ …"

"No, it's fine," Franziska returned crisply. "So, Phoenix, Miles…you two think _our_ jobs being home with the kids are _so much easier_ than yours as _ace attorneys_? So be it! We shall see who has the last laugh after all this – assuming this house _is still standing_ by the time Maya and I return. Come on, Maya, let's go!"

"That goes _double_ for me!" Maya tossed over her shoulder with a wicked grin as she grabbed her purse and sailed out the door after her friend. "Good night fellas, and good _luck_! You're going to _need_ it!"

The condo door slammed shut behind the women, with enough force to make the walls rattle.

Phoenix looked at Edgeworth, and Edgeworth looked at Phoenix.

"Man," the spiky-haired attorney mumbled, absently bouncing Ace in his arms. "They're pretty pissed, aren't they? Should we um, go after them? Or call to apologize or something?"

"Not at all. They were being ridiculous, insulting our ability to look after our own children," the Chief Prosecutor argued, crossing his arms across his broad chest. "After all, Wright, we are _fully_ _grown_ , _professional, educated_ men! We handle _thieves, psychos, murderers_ for a living! How bad can four small children be?"

Suddenly there was a loud, piercing, _ear-splitting_ wail that echoed eerily within the condo, sounding like the combination of a demon-possessed cat being strangled…by a howling banshee.

Both men stiffened in horror.

" _My kid or yours_?" They shouted in unison.

" _Wahhhh! I want my Mommy_!"


	2. Girl's Night Shout

_A/N: I am terrible I know, delaying what the legal foxes are suffering from and bringing you this hopefully equally enjoyable POV of the hen night out instead! XD  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Two** **:** **Girls Night Shout** **  
**

 ** _Franziska Von-Edgeworth, Maya Fey-Wright,_** _  
 **Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews and Ema Skye**  
Exotic Male Dancer Bar, Los Angeles_  
June 21, 2034

"Are we not being too _stereo-typical_ celebrating my milestone birthday by getting drunk at an _adult entertainment bar_?" Franziska asked grumpily as she, Maya, Maggey, Ema and Adrian seated themselves into a booth near the stage of the strip club.

"It's all good, Franny," Ema snickered. "No need to be formal when it's just us gals - call it what it is – _the peelers_!"

"A nudie bar," Adrian grinned. "I mean, if _guys_ can shamelessly go to gentlemen's clubs…"

"Then we femmes can have no shame in being _hens_ in the _foxes den_ ," Maya injected with a wry grin.

"Enough already!" Franziska scowled. "Have none of you any dignity whatsoever? Am I not allowed to be vexed my 35th birthday is being held in a place where that _shameless_ man on stage is now swinging about his… _bratwurst_ like a lasso?!"

"He could poke someone's eye out with that thing!" Ema quipped.

"Franziska, we wouldn't have _needed_ to come here if you hadn't gotten us kicked out of the other bar!" Maya reminded her. "This was the only other place in the area that wasn't packed to the tits tonight! You're lucky that man didn't file assault charges against you!"

" _Humph_!"

* * *

 ** _30 Minutes Ago…_**

 ** _Franziska Von-Edgeworth and Maya Fey-Wright_**  
 _The Pour House, Los Angeles_

"This place is packed, but not so much that we'd not be able to see if the others had arrived," Maya noted, craning her neck to see over the crowded bar. "Maybe Adrian's having a hard time finding parking like we did?"

"Perhaps, when she texted me twenty minutes ago she said she'd already picked up Ema and they were near the Gumshoe's place so they shouldn't be too much longer."

"Well, did you want me to go secure us a table while you go to the bar and order the first round?" Maya offered. "I see that bartender's pretty busy over there."

"I hate waiting," Franziska grimaced. "But there's nothing we can do. Could we not have gone to the bar where Phoenix used to work? Might we not have gotten more preferential treatment there?"

"My husband doesn't like us hanging out at The Borscht Bowl anymore – he said it brings back too many dark memories," Maya explained. "Besides, it's no place for a birthday celebration – remember how we all nearly froze to death there on my 21st birthday? And Nick said it's gotten even seedier since Boris and Natasha no longer own the place."

She looked over her shoulder then and shuddered.

"Let us go to the bar now, but I am going to come with you. There's this nasty creeper in the corner who's been eye banging you since we got here and I don't want to leave you alone."

"Foolish girl," Franziska scoffed. "Nothing or _nobody_ can scare _me_! After all, _I have children_!"

"Yeah, so do I but he's giving me the _heebie jeebs_ ," Maya shivered. "So I'm just going to stick to you like white on rice anyway, OK? Humor me!"

Franziska shrugged and was already headed to the bar, her friend in tow. However, despite Maya's best efforts to dodge him, the lecherous looking man still managed to slither up next to them at the bar.

He ran his eyes up and down Franziska's black mini-skirted figure like a wolf might observe its prey and licked his chops before his thin lips curved into a leery smile.

Maya tried not to retch as the hunched over man with the greasy-looking, slicked back 'do, who was sporting a polyester shirt opened to expose several thick gold chains, and more than a smattering amount of chest hair finally spoke, in a voice as oily as his hair.

"Hey, sexy," he drawled, sidling right up to Franziska, who wrinkled her pert nose at the overpowering scent of bourbon and cheap cologne wafting off of him. "Allow me to buy you and your cute friend a drink."

Maya pressed her lips together. "No, thank you."

Franziska looked at him as though he were a bad smell and didn't even bother replying.

"Aw, come on, baby, cat got your tongue?" Superfly Slick Dick ignored Maya and leaned closer to Franziska. "Why you playing hard to get now? I know you've been eyeing me all night."

 _Admittedly, this was partially true, but only because we were trying to see if he was still following us,_ Maya thought, starting to feel apprehensive and wishing this creep would just get lost and leave them alone. She wished she hadn't left her pepper spray in the SUV.

"I know you want a _piece of_ _this_ , gorgeous." He hooked his fingers through the belt loops of his leather pants and thrust his pelvis in her direction.

"You think wrong." Franziska looked at him disdainfully. "No, thank you, I'm married."

"So what?"

" _Excuse me_?" A threatening glint flashed in Franziska's icy grey eyes.

He shrugged and leaned in even closer to her. "I said, 'So what?' I'm sure I can make you forget all about your husband for the night."

"You've got a _hell_ of a lot of nerve!" Maya snapped. "Did you not _see_ the size of the rock on her finger? Or the even more _sparkling wedding band_ with it?!"

"Relax, shorty, nobody's looking to replace anyone's spouse here," he sneered at Maya then looked back at Franziska. "I'm just talking one night of unbridled ecstasy, baby, not making you breakfast in the morning…"

Franziska exploded then.

"You foolish fool! How dare you?! How dare you assume that my marriage is inconsequential? If it did not matter, I would not have brought it up! And how dare you assume that I am so vapid and fickle that I would throw away a blissful marriage that I consciously choose to be in for a one-night-stand with the disgusting likes of _you_? How _dare_ you think your own brief satisfaction is so much more important than the emotional well-being of a man you don't know? The only reason I mentioned being married was because I wanted to be nice and turn you down without implying any fault in you. Now I see that I was incredibly misguided. In the few sentences you've said, you have proved that you are a _primeval, misogynistic, self-centered_ _arschloch_ who views women as nothing more than glorified sex toys! Even if I were not a happily married woman, I would never consider doing anything with the likes of you! Not even if you were the _last man alive_!"

There was a small smattering of applause from the nearby patrons when the former prosecutor had finished her indignant speech and were now watching them intently.

Rico Wannabe Suave looked shocked for a moment, his mouth opening and closing rapidly like a fish out of water.

" _Yeah_!" Maya couldn't resist piping up, unable to resist the urge to cheer her friend on some more. "And if you _were_ the last man on earth, _we'd demand a recount_!"

The man found his voice at last and glared at Franziska.

"Well, if I had known you were such a _C U Next Tuesday_ , lady, I wouldn't have bothered!"

Franziska's eyes narrowed into barely visible slits as she reached for her holster.

 _Oh boy, now he's in for it…_ Maya wisely took a step back.

"Again, you prove my point. You try to insult me by using a word that implies that my having a vagina is something to be ashamed of. I am inherently proud of being a woman, and would much rather it than the penis that has given you such an undeserved sense of entitlement, arrogance, and ego! _Take that_ , you _swine_!"

And with that, her fury unleashed, along with her whip, the snapping and cracking of the leather weapon flashing with such rapid and furious strokes against the howling man's face and chest that it appeared to be a blur.

Eventually he fell to the floor, mewling pathetically as Franziska relentless whipped him, until at last the bartender fought his way through the crowd, many of whom were cheering, and grabbed Franziska's hand, gently but firmly to halt her.

All the surrounding customers quieted down and awaited his reaction.

"As much as that guy was asking for it, I'm afraid we cannot condone violence of this sort in our establishment, ladies. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Gladly!" Franziska snarled, snatching her wrist out of his grasp and storming towards the exit. Red-faced, Maya turned to follow suit, but the bartender reached for her arm and quickly whispered in her ear.

"Sorry lady, but the owner is a sexiest prick who demanded that I do that. He's always here on Saturday nights. That waste of sperm has been harassing women here for ages, but has never done anything bad enough that we could kick him out. I applaud you – come back next Friday or Sunday. Please, and I promise you, for the rest of the night, your drinks are on the house."

"Thanks," Maya smiled awkwardly. "But um, it's not going to be as easy to convince my friend…"

* * *

 ** _Back to Present…_**

 ** _Franziska Von Edgeworth, Maya Fey Wright,_** _  
 **Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews and Ema Skye**  
The Ball Room, Los Angeles_

The silver-haired woman crossed her arms and scowled, hating to admit Maya was right.

"Well, that _der drecksack_ deserved it!" Franziska declared at last. "I still think we should have tried another venue! _This_ is most unseemly of us – especially _me, yo_ u and _Maggey_ being here, Maya! After all, we are _married with children_!"

"I'm _married_ , not _buried_!" Maggey quipped, a coy smile of appreciation on her lips as she appreciatively eyed the current stage talent, a very sexy male dancer dressed up on the stage as a cowboy to the tune of Big  & Rich's 'Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy'. "And Adrian and Simon just got engaged, so she'll be joining us in Yummy Mummy territory soon enough!"

"Not necessarily," Ema grinned, taking a huge sip of her G-String cocktail. "Klavier and I have been engaged for three years now and he's no closer to planting a seed in me than he was six years ago!"

"Much to his great chagrin, am sure," Maya teased, sipping her fizzy grape juice – her husband's lingering vice from days of old had rubbed off on her. Plus, she was designated driver that night. "What's with your aversion to having rug-rats?"

"Yes, why the hold-up on having your own off-spring, Ema?" Franziska asked curiously.

"After what I _went through with Mila and Gregory_ , are you _seriously_ asking me why I'm in no mad rush to have my own house apes, Franziska?" The newly appointed forensic scientist raised an eyebrow at the German woman.

"My apologies," Franziska blushed and fidgeted with her vodka tonic. "I'm assuming you're not referring _merely_ to babysitting them last weekend on my birthday…"

" _That_ would have been reason enough, the little hellions!" Ema smiled fondly at the memories of her god-children. "We had no idea that your son would take after his parents, and be such an avid little dancer!"

She caught the questioning looks on everyone's faces and elaborated.

"Gregory loves the Gavinners music – or anything with a beat, really. He dances nonstop, even when he's out of breath and sweaty! I don't know what was more hilarious that weekend, the look on my fiancé's face when we found Gregory, all revved up and hyper, frantically dancing, _naked,_ by himself, in front of our bedroom mirror to 'Guilty Love' on the stereo after he'd snuck my fop's hidden stash of rare, European chocolates…"

"Or Klavier's face when he told us how he found out Mila had dug into his expensive dish of Devonshire cream," Franziska laughed. "He was trying so hard not to show his indignation as he showed Miles and I _the evidence_ of her little fingerprints dug out of the butter, where she'd just been grabbing big handfuls of it and shoving them in her mouth! She claimed it wasn't her…it was her imaginary friend Sylvester the Cat…all the while she had this gigantic blob of butter in her hair right above her ear!"

Adrian stared at her best friend with her jaw open, even though her brown eyes were sparkling with mirth behind her wire-rim glasses.

"Franny, you have got some weird-ass kids!" She exclaimed, shaking her head.

"Oh that's nothing!" Maggey chuckled ruefully. "Franziska only has _one_ boy, try having _two_!"

"How old are Gordy and Jeff now?" Ema asked.

"13 and 7," Gumshoe's wife replied, draining the last of her Liquid Viagra cocktail drink. "I just recently uncovered that Jeff has a log of his farts that he keeps in his notebook, and he _proudly_ grades each one on a scale of 1-10 for hilarity!"

The table cracked up amongst a chorus of " _ewwws_ ".

"You should keep it and present it to his new wife as present on their wedding day with a gigantic ' _take that'_!" Maya clapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter. "So that the new junior Mrs. Gumshoe can _truly_ see what she's gotten herself into!"

Buoyed by the merriment, Maggey was on a roll now.

"Just last week, I was changing Gordy's sheets. And I discovered that he had 10 ripped pages from the women's bra and underwear section from the Sears catalogue. He had stuffed the pages between the bedspring and mattress. There was writing on the pages like ' _cool'_ and ' _rocket launchers_ ' beside the model's breast!" Maggey groaned good-naturedly. "Oh did Dick and I have a good laugh!"

"He's just a walking, talking mess of hormones, isn't he?" Ema smirked, once they'd all stopped giggling.

"I should have known it was coming," Maggey told her. "Last year, I made the mistake of checking his iPod internet history, and found he'd been googling _boobs_ , _world's biggest boobs_ , and _sex in bed_." She blushed slightly as her friends erupted in giggles. "Um, I deleted it and have been pretending like I don't know…"

"This is something for me to look forward to indeed!" Maya waved down the waitress for another round of drinks. "Right now, my biggest issue is doodies! I've been trying to explain to Ace that he doesn't need to announce to me, _in public_ , every time he _needs to take a boom-boom_ in his diaper – only when he's _done_ it, and then he can tell me quietly so the other diners at the restaurant don't need to hear him! So he in his latest efforts to be discreet, he goes off quietly to do his business and does his pooping in the corner. He seems to think he's hiding it because he's surrounded by walls." Her dark eyes twinkled. "However, the grunting kinda gives it away anyway! But hell, he tried, right?"

Adrian and Ema wrinkled their noses at that one even though Franziska and Maggey were nodding their heads sympathetically.

"And _then_ when Mia was a baby, maybe six months old," Maya recollected. "She went through a phase when she freaked out over anything the color pink! Nick had recently gotten her hooked on cotton candy one day when I wasn't looking, so, when Pearly was wearing a pair of pink mittens, she both tried to eat her hands, as well as the pink streak in Trucy's hair – she was stronger than she looked being a Fey girl and all…nearly scalped her big sister in the act of that actually …"

Adrian and Ema looked at one another and then back at the other three MILF's at the table.

"So, tubes tied next weekend? Shall I make the appointment?" Adrian deadpanned. "For the _two_ of us?"

"Well let's not be too hasty…I'm 33 now…I have till I'm what, 40 to make up my mind, scientifically speaking…" the former detective replied dryly.

"That's only three more years away for me," Adrian told her.

" _Hey_!" Maya protested. "I said _almost_ scalped! Trucy wasn't mad – she was upset at first but she said Mia looked so cute nom-nom-ing on that streak of her hair!"

Silence at the table, then Adrian spoke again.

"Sooo…in the meantime, here's to our lazy sleep-in, kid-free Sundays, Ema!"

" _Salud and cheers_!" The two clinked glasses.

Franziska shook her head at the two of them. "Don't be ridiculous, these stories are just for fun! There is nothing more rewarding than motherhood!"

"Yeah, she's right," Maggey agreed. "Kids aren't _that_ bad!"

"You _lie_ like a _rug_ ," Ema retorted, even though her lips were twitching.

"Well, nobody here is claiming their kids are _perfect_ – sorry Franziska, _including_ yours!" Maya joked. "However…we've been gone for almost _an hour_ now and I haven't heard a thing from _either_ of the men!"

"Is this good or bad?" Maggey looked anxious. "Do you think they've got a hold of things?"

"Maybe you misjudged them after all?" Adrian asked hopefully.

" _Not a chance_ ," Franziska predicted, a knowing smile creeping across her face. "If anything, I am actually thinking this _unanticipated silence_ means we should be very _worried_ indeed."

"Well aren't you going to call and check up on them then?" Ema inquired.

"No way." A sadistic grin played on the Master of Kurain's face as she shook her head. "Gotta let them _eat their words first_!"

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's (ch 1)_

 **MusicBoxie -** I am glad you are amused about me torturing Wrightworth! I hope not to disappoint! :)

 **kekepikapika -** It was the sound of two very sexy but sexist lawyers eating some serious humble pie! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

 **Blindknyttstories - give me lunatics and murderers over nose picking snot rocket blowing ankle biting house Apes any day of the week! Lol**

 **Who Doesn't Like Reading Grrr-** I love that you got the Layton crossover reference sweetie. Yes, I decided in the future to make Pearl's special someone be the well-reared British gentleman who was a very special professor's apprentice!

 **Yanmegaman - wh** o do you think will crack first, Nick or Miles?

 **Ilet Moratar -** Mi amiga dulce who inspired this work, am so glad you like your birthday present! Yes little boys, as we have read in this chapter are a handful indeed - and kinda gross! Thank God for your two beautiful girls...although we shall find out in the next chapter if Nick and Miles got as lucky with THEIR daughters as YOU did! Lol

 _How bad do the DILF's need to eat their words? Stay tuned! And, as always guys, thanks for reading!_ ** _(Also, in the manner of my drabbles, if you have any specific suggestions of ways I could torture Wrightworth with their kiddie's antics, PM me and see if we can make this a team effort! Hee!)_**


	3. Judges, Lawyers, & ProstitutorsOh My

_A/N: The screeching from the first chapter is now **partially** resolved... (heh-heh!) enjoy!_

* * *

 **Chapter Three: Judges, Lawyers and Prostitutors... Oh Myyyy**

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth**_ _  
Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_  
June 21, 2034

That piteous, yet _tormenting,_ screech made Phoenix's heart leap in his throat and adrenaline course through his veins, putting him on high alert. He caught a quick glimpse of his own dread mirrored on Edgeworth's face as they remained rooted on the spot a split-second, both momentarily paralyzed with panic.

Edgeworth was the first to recover.

The Chief Prosecutor turned and bolted down the hallway leading to the bedrooms, with an impressive swiftness which surpassed that of a frantic Cancun tourist who'd consumed the local water, and was seeking a lavatory.

Hot on his heels, Phoenix dashed behind, Ace still in his arms, his limbs tingling and panicked brain racing in the most unhelpful way. Even after all the years of preparation, and actually experiencing his fourth year as a father, the reality was still alien. In the familiar courtroom Phoenix knew so well, he didn't ever have to think about his surroundings; he went from A to B on autopilot, able to focus on the "problem du jour." But with parenthood, there was no such thing as same old; absolutely _nothing_ was familiar, every day was a new adventure.

Right now, without Maya's reassuring presence to keep a reign on things, his mind kept handing him nightmare what-ifs about the anticipated perilous situation both fathers had heard, but had yet to actually see.

Generally, Phoenix had never known Edgeworth to have been the anxious type. After all the strife the other man had endured in his life, he was known to be ever-composed. Many times, in situations that would have had most other people fraught with anxiety, the austere prosecutor even appeared to be more laid-back than a Sombrero-sporting Mexican on his day off.

But now, as the friends reached Mila's room where the scream had originated from, Phoenix noted that his best friend had a _look in his eye_ that, in the three decades he'd known him, he'd never once seen on _Miles Edgeworth_. It not only didn't _belong_ on the prosecutor's face, it actually _scared_ him; after all, he'd always counted on Edgeworth to be the one who _always_ knew what to do.

 _"Wahhhh! I want my Mommy!"_ Was wailed yet again, now accompanied by bawling.

 _So do_ _ **I**_ , Edgeworth thought frantically, looking over at his spiky-haired companion. _In this discomfort, I can feel my irritability increase and the logic of my actions decrease, as if they're locked into some inverse relationship..._

The defense attorney set Ace down on the floor with a near thud, then bent over double, hands on his knees, struggling to regulate his breathing as his brain tried to process that the harrowing scene they were witnessing was actually _real_ and not from some bad comedy/B-rated horror movie!

 _I want my Maya_.

The room began to twirl around Phoenix as he took in the chaotic scene. He closed his eyes, but found the spinning sensation only worsened.

" _Wright_!" Edgeworth's harsh warning tone dragged him back to reality. "Don't you _dare_ even _think_ about fainting!"

* * *

 _ **Franziska Von Edgeworth, Maya Fey Wright,**_  
 _ **Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews and Ema Skye**_  
 _The Ball Room, Los Angeles_

"Fainting isn't uncommon in these scenarios apparently," Maggey giggled, taking a sip of The Ball Room's signature drink, The Fanny Bagger. "But the doctor _did_ kick Dick out of the room after that. Just as well, since Gordy wound up being _11 lbs_ and I ended up needing a caesarian anyway! Can you imagine if I'd needed to push that _Bullwinkle_ head out of me? My _hoo-ha_ would have _never_ recovered!"

"It's just _too_ funny!" Ema was wiping the tears of mirth from her eyes. "Your _big, bad, brawny_ policeman husband _fainting_ when he saw the size of the epidural needle!"

"Pearly told me that story a few years back," Maya tittered. "She was explaining why _she_ had to be the one to go on stage to be the magician's assistant for Trucy, back in the day at The Wonder Bar. Even as child, my little girl was as amused as we all are now, that her tough-guy Uncle Scruffy would never be Truce's stage assistant whenever she did her _needle through_ thumb trick, due to his aversion to _sharp, flesh piercing_ objects!"

"Men are _such_ babies!" Adrian agreed. "Don't even get me _started_ on what a _ginormous suck_ Simon can be when he gets sick! He had a _wee bit of a cold_ couple of weeks ago, and of course was acting as though he was a _terminal patient_! So since he was stuck in bed, he was whining for a glass of orange juice. When I brought him one, my _allegedly badass_ Twisted Samurai's _lower lip actually came out_. 'Couldn't you get me a bendy straw?' He actually _pouted_!"

"Oh man, I have _got_ to tell Nick this one so he can bust Simon's balls next time they square off in court!" Maya crowed merrily. "Your fiancé, the _Man-Baby_!"

As if on cue, the next act came on the stage just then. The lights lowered, the upbeat tempo music slowed, and Paul Danka's "You're Having My Baby" began to play.

"What in the _world_?" Franziska gasped, nearly choking on her Slow Comfortable Screw cocktail.

All five women's eyes bulged, and their jaws dropped at the sight on stage.

The dancer was fine specimen; Native American, with long, straight, lustrous-looking black hair that rivalled even Maya's, with a body to die for, and smooth brown skin…dressed as a _baby_.

He was donned entirely in _footie pajamas_ , with a _pacifier_ in his mouth, and even had on a _bonnet_.

"Well _this_ is officially _the_ most _wrong_ thing I've seen tonight," Ema noted dryly. "And _this_ is coming from _me_ , the woman who actually had the _misfortune of noticing_ the bride at that wild bachelorette party table next to us actually _drank_ from her glass… after the server, _Rick the Dick_ ¸ used a _very special stirring rod_ in it, prior to presenting it to her!"

"I am _not_ seeing this!" Maya groaned, clapping a hand over her scandalized eyes. "I came out tonight to get _away_ from _my_ baby… _not_ be reminded of him in _any way, shape or_ form!"

" _Christ help you_ if _this_ reminds you of Ace though…" Adrian's eyeglasses looked about ready to shatter on her face.

"It could be worse," Maggey offered weakly, even though her visage was as traumatized as everyone else's at the table.

It _did_ get worse. At that moment, the dancer, whose stage name was _Little Dickie_ , had proceeded to whip out an oversized, plastic baby bottle which he was pretending (or so they all _hoped_!) to _pee_ from!

"I need _brain bleach_ after this!" Maya moaned, daring to sneak a peek at the troubling sight through her fingers.

"And _I_ need _another_ _drink_ ," Franziska said numbly, reaching for the unsuspecting waiter passing by and nearly yanking his arm out of its socket. She looked at him with desperate, pleading eyes. "A double shot of Wild Turkey bourbon, _now_! _Straight up_!"

* * *

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth**_ _  
Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

Phoenix straightened up and took a deep breath as he assessed the nightmare scene before them.

His lovely little Mia, the spitting, pint-sized image of her namesake aunt, right down to her long, toffee-colored tresses, was now sporting a full head of _white_ hair. She could have easily been an otherworldly spirit creature herself, as her entire velour shirt and skirt were presently more _snowy colored_ than the _violet_ they'd been when they had all arrived at the residence, _barely half an hour ago_!

The evidence of what was making his four-year-old resemble Jacob Marley's _ghost_ in the stage production of _A Christmas Carol_ , lay on the ground; what he could only assume was a now empty container of talcum powder. It was _everywhere_ …all over the bedding, literately all over the carpet, in the toy box (the contents which were emptied on the ground) as well as the clothes drawers….

In contrast, Mila, who like her twin brother, normally had platinum blonde, _almost white_ hair, seemed to have channeled her _inner 80's rock star_ and was now _rocking a mane_ of mostly electric blue streaks! On top of it all, Franziska Jr. was brandishing a skipping rope in her hand, in an alarmingly identical manner to her whip-wielding mother, as she mercilessly shrieked at her sobbing brother about what a _"pig-faced, smelly fat-head"_ he was!

Gregory, who was _naked_ except for his _Steel Samurai_ underwear, was face-down on the carpet, still wailing for his Mommy. He was buried head-first in a pile of scattered Legos, which apparently had once been constructed into a tower of some sort. One side of his former fair-haired bowl cut, the one facing the men, was _completely lopped off,_ right _to the skull_ , and his pinky finger was an angry _bright red_. Next to the little boy lay a _slippery-looking,_ enormous roll of gift-wrap, which was unrolled halfway across the room.

As he looked at this with mounting agitation, Edgeworth was the first to find his voice. In an ominously loud voice he normally reserved for the courtroom, his bellow thundered amongst the walls.

" _What is bloody going on here?!"_

The noise in the room came to an abrupt halt, replaced by deafening silence.

Mia looked up sheepishly at her father, the corners of her chalk-colored lips spreading into an angelic smile across her face, which _may or may not_ , have been pink with embarrassment, as it was currently also _ashen with powdered dust_.

"Hi, Daddy…"

"Hi Princess…" was Phoenix could manage to get out before Edgeworth resumed his next emulation round of Apollo's Chords of Steel.

" _Mila Ema Franca Edgeworth_!" Edgeworth thundered, in full _Objection_ -style, finger-pointing mode. " _Gregory Skylar Franz Edgeworth_! I _demand_ an explanation of all this, _post-haste_!"

Both twins looked too stunned and terrified at the ire in their father's tone to comply. Not that Phoenix blamed them – Edgeworth's face was currently the identical shade of his trademark wine-colored suit, he was so incensed. Phoenix wouldn't have blamed the kids if they'd _wet themselves_ in fear!

 _Note to self. When the chips are down, my best friend is_ _ **officially**_ _scarier than his wife. And that's_ _ **saying**_ _something!_

It was the defense attorney's daughter who actually spoke first.

"Well…" Mia began, one hand on her hip, the other scratching the back of her head in a manner not at all dissimilar to her father's when he was trying to bluff his way out of something. "It's a long story, Uncle Miles…"

"I'm all ears, Mia." Edgeworth's scary, angry face softened, albeit just a tad, as he looked wearily at his goddaughter. "I am most curious …" he waved his hand dramatically with a flourish as he gestured to his daughter's formerly immaculate room. "Pray-tell, what preceding events led to this _little shop of horrors_?"

Before the little girl could continue, the house was suddenly filled by the loud musical sound of a sultry _saxophone solo_ , which could only be described as a similar, smoky sound of _Godot's coffee theme song._

"Oh dear Lord!" Edgeworth's attentions immediately did a turnabout from the troublesome trio as his head swiveled in the direction of the resonance, his formerly puce cheeks now drained of all color. "I – I know that sound! It's coming from my room…"

" _How_ is that even _possible_?" Phoenix demanded. "We're _all_ here, and there's _nobody_ _else_ in this house, as Hendricks' butler duties are done for the day. Do you have a _poltergeist_ in your place, Edgeworth? I'd almost prefer to think that indeed something demonic was the result of this…general disarray!" His grim gaze fixed back on the children, zeroing back in on his daughter. "However, don't you _dare_ , Mia Misty Fey-Wright, even _think_ of trying to claim that the _Devil_ made you do _all this_!"

"Don't you get smart with me, Wright!" Edgeworth fumed, folding his arms across his chest and affixing his companion with his trademark glare. "I _specifically_ ensure all my electronic devices are powered off when not in use, because otherwise the electricity bills would be _murder_! Ergo, I have no idea _why_ we seem to suddenly have background _jazzy blues_ as _theme music_!"

Despite the dire straits of their current situation, Phoenix's lips twitched into a mischievous grin and he couldn't resist goading his friend just a tad.

"Well, since you're such a _conscientious_ utility consumer, is my _ghost in the machine_ theory _really_ so far-fetched then?"

"If you don't immediately cease making _senseless, ill-timed, God-awful_ jokes amidst all this calamity, Wright, said electric bill won't be the _only_ thing subject to _murder_!" Edgeworth threatened, momentarily forgetting they had an audience.

Mia, Mila, and Gregory (who had stopped blubbing at this point) were all silently staring at the two bickering men, wide-eyed.

"Way to be a great role-model there, threatening _violence_ in front of the kids!" Phoenix smirked, beginning to enjoy the new-found novelty of seeing the normally calm other man unraveled for a change.

" _Curse you,_ Wright! I ought to…"

"Um, Uncle Phoenix?" Mila interrupted timidly, crossing her arms across her body and clutching her sleeves nervously.

"Yes, Mila?" Phoenix sighed, loathe to have his entertaining argument halted.

"Where's Ace?" The little girl asked, self-consciously running a finger through her chin-length, newly azure-colored tresses.

"He's right here…I just put him down a minute ago…" Phoenix cast an idle glance in the vicinity of his feet, where he'd hastily plopped down the toddler in his previous dumfounded state and found, to his incredulity, that his son was nowhere to be found!

" _Ace_!" He cried, alarmed. "Edgeworth, did you see where Ace scampered off to?"

"Of _course_ I did, you fool!" Edgeworth snapped sarcastically. "In the middle of this _fresh hell_ that's been presented to us, _I've_ been paying attention to _your_ child, whom _you've_ misplaced for the _second_ time now in the _last thirty minutes_!"

"No need to be a wise-guy!" Phoenix retorted, oblivious to the fact that he'd been just as guilty of being an ass himself. "Edgeworth – you fix _this_ mess!" He pointed to the twins. " _I've_ got to find my son! Mia, come with me! Follow that sax!" With that he turned and ran from the room, his daughter in hot pursuit.

 _Edgeworth won't need to murder me_ , he thought, his panic rising once again. _If Maya finds out I lost our son for the_ _ **second**_ _time tonight,_ _ **she's**_ _going to_ _ **freakin' kill me**_ _!  
_

* * *

 _ **Franziska Von-Edgeworth, Maya Fey-Wright,**_  
 _ **Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews and Ema Skye**_  
 _The Ball Room, Los Angeles_

"He's _killing_ me!" Maya groaned, her hands still clapped over her eyes – the last time she'd dared to take a another peek to see if _Little Dickie_ , aka the gigantic _Man-Baby,_ was done his number yet, he'd busted out a bottle of talc and was having women come up on stage and _powder his bare bottom_! "Is he done his set _yet_?"

"All clear now," Maggey reported, already on her fourth drink. She'd been matching the birthday girl glass for glass. "Thank heavens, too! This is supposed to be a night of _fun and fantasies_! Not being reminded of the grim realities of wifey/motherhood!"

"I'm neither a wife nor a mom yet and I found that _mondo disturbia_ ," Adrian shuddered. "I _wish_ I could obliterate that image from my mind like you three are," she gestured to Maggey, Franziska and Ema. "But unfortunately, I'm driving tonight!"

"That was beyond depressing," Ema agreed, draining the last of her Blue Balls cocktail. "I know we're at the peelers and all, but that made me feel _dirty_! I feel like I need to _shower_!"

"You sound semi-germaphobic there, science girl, if _that's_ all it takes to make you feel unsanitary!" Franziska laughed tipsily as she waved about her empty glass. "Wait till motherhood hits you, and you're dealing with being _vomited_ on, _spat up_ on, _urinated_ on…

" _Lovely_! So, _regardless of my preferences_ in, ah, _life_ , it appears that should I opt to procreate, one way or another, I'm _still_ going to be subjected to _golden showers_ anyway!" Ema grimaced.

"Not to mention dealing with their _crap_ , _literally_ and _figuratively_ ," Maggey added with a wicked grin.

"Said _water fountain_ effect can be avoided, _somewhat_ , if you wind up having a boy," Maya offered helpfully. "You just need to remember when changing their diapers to ensure you point their little _ooh-hoo_ south!"

"Wow, this _so_ makes me yearn to get knocked up and join you all on that delightful _mommyhood_ path! How about _you_ , Ema? Doesn't this just makes you wanna hop _right on Klavier_ and get a bun in the oven?" Adrian deadpanned.

"You learn to deal," Franziska shrugged. "After having the twins, I realized that in spite of everything, _Miles_ is definitely more fastidious and hygiene-obsessed than I _ever_ was! I remember when we first brought the twins home and Mila had her first bowel movement. I was already dealing with Gregory's diaper, so I asked Miles to tend to her. Would you _believe_ that my husband came out, suited-up in _rubber gloves_ , _a clothes pin_ on his nose, _goggles_ , _and_ a _scrub top_?!" Her lips twitched into an amused smiled at the memory. "I asked him, ' _How much damage do you think a one week old can do_?' He looked at me like _I_ was the crazy one!"

Maya cracked up then, her former trauma from the previous dancer now completely abolished as the rest of the table dissolved into giggles. "You're kidding, right?" She rasped, clutching her stomach.

"You _know_ my husband _very well_ , Maya! I _couldn't_ make this up if I _tried_!" Franziska snickered. "The first few times we took the twins out in public, strangers would come up to our babies and tickle their toes and pinch their cheeks. Miles got so worked up about this because he is so careful about germs. So he ended up making a sign that read, _'Please, do not touch our newborns. If you must, please disinfect your hands. Thank you_.' He kept a bottle of hand sanitizer ready in his pocket, as well as the sign on the baby carrier, _for three months_!"

They all laughed again.

"Jesus, that man would put those kids in a bubble if he could, wouldn't he?" Maggey shook her head.

"Sounds like he'd opt to live in one _himself_!" Adrian nudged Ema in the ribs. "Miles sounds like a male version of _you_!"

"OK, not even _I'm_ that bad!" Ema scowled and crossed her arms across her chest in a huff.

"And now…ladies…please put your hands together and welcome our next performer!" The MC boomed over the speakers just then. "Give it up for _Mr. Big_!"

"Well _this_ better be good after the _last_ hot mess," Maya muttered, taking a sip of her juice.

"Let's prepare to be amazed, ladies," Franziska drawled. "After all, _you all_ wanted to come here…brace yourselves for the next spectacle we're about to be watching…"

* * *

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth**_ _  
Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

" _Ace_! What in Christ's name _are you watching_?" Phoenix exclaimed in horror when he at last found his son, who was in the Edgeworth's Master bedroom, staring blankly at the 60-inch television in front of him, which was the source of the emitted saxophone music they'd heard. The remote control lay by his tiny feet on the carpet. Mia was at her father's side, her little mouth open in surprise at what was scrolling on the enormous flat-screen.

The words _**Judges, Lawyers and Prostitutors**_ flickered across the set.

 _Oh dear God_ …Phoenix thought, frozen in stupefied disbelief as the image then changed to a man in black judges robes, approaching the stereo-typical, sexy blonde in oversized glasses with her hair pulled up into a topknot and wearing a navy, skin-tight 'business suit'. The top three buttons of her jacket were undone to show her augmented cleavage, and on her long legs were a pair of sky-high stilettos.

"So, shall we get right to the _debriefing_ , your honor?" She purred sultrily, walking up the courtroom lawyer's bench and arching her back while thrusting her buttocks in the air, which were straining against the skin-tight material of her skirt, which rivalled a _belt_ in length! "Or since it's after hours now, should I just call you … Mr. _Mel Practiss_?"

"I'm always ready _to pound you with my gavel_ ," the man rasped, promptly discarding his robe, under which, of course, he had on _nothing at all._ "Prepare yourself to be _legally boned_ , Ms. _Misty Meanor_!"

"Misty!" Mia chirped happily. "That's _my_ middle name, Daddy!"

Phoenix started. He'd forgotten his _daughter_ was with him – he'd been too traumatized by what _he_ – and his nearly _infant, innocent son_! – were unwittingly being subjected to! This was even worse than he could have ever imagined.

 _If Mia breathes a word of this to Maya, I'm going to be the next summoned spirit that requires channeling…_

" _Gah_!" He yelped, snatching the remote from the ground and frantically pushing at the seemingly endless rows of buttons in his efforts to halt the skin-flick.

It didn't work.

Instead, the background sax music was now coming out _even_ _louder_ , in _full stereo_ now, from invisible wall speakers!

" _Ew_!" Mia squealed, clapping a hand to her mouth and pointing at the screen. "That lady lifted her skirt and is showing that man her _butt_! And I can see _his_ hit butt too now!"

" _Ngh_!" Frantically, Phoenix stabbed at a few more buttons on the alien-looking device in his hand, and only succeeded in making _a mirrored disco ball_ somehow drop from the ceiling, the bedroom lights to dim, and a colorful mirage of strobe beams to start reflecting off the walls!

 _Edgeworth, you kinky bastard! Why do you insist on having these stupid high-tech gadgets with a million keys!?_

"Gross! Now he's _hugging the lady_ from _behind_!" Mia reported, as though her horrified father couldn't see for himself.

"Not _Barney_!" Ace began to wail indignantly, stamping his little feet and looking up at his father with a quivering lip. " _Want_ _Barney_!"

Phoenix desperately stabbed at another button, only to wind up activating the fast-forward feature.

" _Yuck_! Now he's hugging her _even faster_! _How_ is he doing that, Daddy?"

 _Someone…just kill me…now…_ Phoenix groaned, hitting one more button, only to make the automated blinds on the floor to ceiling windows suddenly move and close themselves shut.

"No want _lady_!" Ace was crying now. "Want _Barney_!"

"Stop crying Ace! _Please_!" Phoenix begged helplessly, and slapped his forehead with the remote in frustration, half-hoping the action would shut the damn thing off like it did in the movies.

Of course, it didn't. All it succeeded in doing was giving him was a level-5 headache!

" _Ngh_!" Edgeworth's mortified voice suddenly sounded behind Phoenix as he appeared just then, Mila and Gregory tucked under each muscular arm like a football. "Wright, you imbecile, why haven't you _turned this off_!" He dropped the twins and snatched the control box out of Phoenix's hand, and with one flick, mercifully shut off the obscene images on screen.

"What did you think I was _trying_ to do?!" Phoenix protested hotly. "Every button I pressed just kept _triggering something_ _else_! It's not _my_ fault that I'm not tech-savvy…and _you_ have more thingamajig bells and whistles than _Batman_!"

"Well _your son_ somehow managed to turn on a _completely powered off_ television and DVD player," Edgeworth grumbled, his cheeks pink with embarrassment as he adjusted his cravat. "Which means a _two-year-old_ is already more knowledgeable with technology than _you_ are!"

 _Oh bite it sideways Mr. Chief_ _ **Prostitutor**_ _!_

"Be that as it may," Phoenix replied defensively. " _I'm_ not the one who left that… _smut_ in the DVD player _am_ I?! And _how_ am _I_ the imbecile here, when _aforementioned two-year-old_ had _reachable access_ to _said_ _remote_? Shouldn't it have been kept out of reach, along with the _scissors and coloring_ that resulted in _your_ children playing _hairdresser_?!" The defense attorney gave a silent thanks to whatever higher power was up there that despite the blanche powder that colored it, nobody had cut his daughter's beautiful long hair – he was positive if so, Maya would have _throttled him, castrated him and filed for divorce_ – not even necessarily _in that order_!

Edgeworth's cheeks flamed at the rebuttal, well put as it was.

"Don't be so mean to Uncle Phoenix, Daddy!" Mila scolded, waving her finger disapprovingly at her father.

"Yeah, Daddy, you're not good with _all_ electric stuff!" Gregory put in. "You just _fried the motor_ in the vacuum cleaner trying to suck up all the powder from the carpet!"

 _Spoken like the true defense attorney his grandfather was and is aptly named after_ , Phoenix smirked to himself, grinning at his godson as Edgeworth's blush deepened.

Mia was polite enough to cover her mouth with both hands to smother her laughter, but a loud snort still erupted from within her, bringing both men down to earth about their previous plight.

"OK, enough with the giggles, missy!" Phoenix looked sternly at all three kids. "You two, _Thing 1_ and _Thing 2_ ," he wriggled his finger at the twins. "Did _you_ get a chance to explain to your father what in tarnation happened to result in…" he began ticking off the incidents on his fingers. "My daughter looking like ghost, why the front of Gregory's body is all shiny with oil – and why he's _still only in his underwear_! – his pinky is still an angry red, he's got half a faux-hawk on one side of his head, and why Mila looks like something out of an 80's rock video?!"

"Trouble 1 and Trouble 2 never did get around to elaborating," Edgeworth muttered. "Although the vacuum cleaner dying probably distracted them from the truth revelation."

"That wasn't it, Daddy," Mila insisted. "We got distracted when you nearly tripped on the floor Lego, almost twisted your ankle, and got the pieces stuck to the bottom of your feet, and you started yelling _scheiße_ and _welcher hurensohn hat das hier hingelegt_ …"

"That means _something_ in German," her brother chimed in. "We don't know what…"

"We asked Daddy what that meant ….but then he stepped _on another Lego_ ," Mila added. "And he switched to shouting _Fluffernutter_ and _Cheese Nuts_!"

"Those we already knew, because _cheese nuts_ was what Mommy called Daddy one time when she was mad at him," Gregory felt compelled to explain to the amused Phoenix and Mia. "She _insisted_ afterward it was intended to be a sweet nickname, like calling someone _honey_ , but I don't know why grown-ups call each other food names anyway…"

"Yes, well, Uncle Phoenix and your cousin don't need to hear the unnecessary penetralia about me and your mother's marriage, children," Edgeworth interrupted gruffly, crossing his arms and tapping his finger against his arm as he regarded the twins. "Now, back to the point, which was _how_ all this nonsense began?"

"Like I tried to tell Uncle Miles earlier, Daddy," Mia replied solemnly. "It's a looong story."

"That won't work _twice_ , missy." Phoenix crossed his arms across his chest as well. "Luckily, Uncle Miles and I have _all night_."

"We'll tell you, Uncle Phoenix," Gregory promised, then looked up at the defense attorney with a nervous look in his grey eyes. "There's just one thing though…"

"What's that, Gregory?" Phoenix asked, beginning to tire of the stalling tactics. "And it _better_ be good!"

"Um, where's Ace?"

* * *

A/N: _Writing is fun, and can be hard thing to make time for many of us, especially when you work six days a week and have a family like I do. I love this community of readers and writers who support and encourage each other. I put my full efforts and passion into my work, and of all the great stories on here and talented writers, my mind is blown when people take the time to read my work,_ **never mind find inspiration from it. Therefore, if** **anyone wants to make any sort of transformative/derivative work based on my fics (be that** _ **IDEAS/OC's/NAMES/ETC**_ **.), I'm absolutely cool with it. In fact I'd be extremely flattered. All I ask is that you** _ **ask**_ **, or at least** _ **credit**_ **me -** _a_ _nd give me a link so I can send any readers of the original your way._ **Blatant copying, without accrediting the writer who puts their all into their work, however, is** _ **not**_ **cool.** _ **Scruples, people!**_

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's (ch 2)_

 **chloemcg -** Thanks so much for digging the whip-lash wrath that is the indomitable Von-Edgeworth! Please, regale me with your suggestions I'd love to hear your ideas how to further torture these DILFS!

 **Ryszard-** Am glad you like this story, danke! Please forgive any errors I've made in my German in any of my stories (feel free to correct me!) and will the birthday girl get drunk? Hee! We shall see!

 **Yanmegaman -** Twisted Samurai meets the ultimate sub! Match made in heaven if there ever was one! XD

 **Ilet Moratar -** Poor Maggey indeed! Boys are sooo yucky! Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, and boys are made of snips and snails and puppydog tails! LOL. Yes Franny is a tad uptight right now, but that last act of Little Dickie DID send her straight to the bottle - she MAY loosen up a bit now!


	4. Call of Doodie

_A/N: Hope you guys like the penultimate chapter of this DILF comedy of errors!  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Four:** **Call of Doodie**

 _ **Franziska Von Edgeworth, Maya Fey Wright,**_  
 _ **Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews and Ema Skye**_  
 _The Ball Room, Los Angeles_

"OK, I know I'm only _slightly_ less drunk than the birthday girl," Maggey slurred as she stared, agog at the stage. "But just so we can be _sure_ I'm seeing what I _think_ I'm seeing, that _is_ a _stripper_ up there on stage… dressed as a _Transformer_ , who is now pulling off pieces of _very real-looking metal …"_

"This is not a _Decepticon_ of your eyes!" Adrian affirmed, her eyes twinkling behind her glasses. "So yes, Maggey – we are _all_ baring witness to the removal of the metal codpiece off his…er, _junk_!"

"Which, with _no control switch in sight_ , appears to be quite _mechanically functioning_!" Maggey breathed.

"I'm _most_ amused, however, that Optimus _Oh SO Fine_ Prime is _still_ keeping on the metal shoulder and knee pads on though…" The pretty blond snickered.

"Who _cares_? He's unwrapped what's _important_!" Ema raised her glass of Angel's Tit. " _Arigatō Mister Roboto_!"

"This reminds me when Ace was just a year old," Maya reminisced fondly. "Despite _my_ penchant for _Steel Samurai_ , my son is a retro boy like his father, and note, has fallen in love with Nick's DVD series of the 1980's _Transformers_ cartoon! One time, while I was cleaning out the couch cushions, father and son sat there watching the episodes of the show and Ace's reactions were just adorable! He was always cheering for the Autobots to triumph over the Decepticons, and he would constantly do that thing where he'd babble at the screen whenever he saw Megatron. I don't know if I completely agree, but Nick is _positive_ that he was cussing him out, because he looked so angry when he did it!"

"I'm sure if Ace could have yelled _Objection_ at the screen at the time, he would have!" Ema grinned.

"That is _so_ cute!" Franziska sighed wistfully. "I miss the days when _my_ twins were still little angels like that."

"You mean before they could _talk_?" Adrian quipped, causing the German woman to playfully toss her tiny little drink umbrella at her best friend.

"Don't be foolish! I'm being _serious_!" The very tipsy Franziska waved down the waiter and gestured to her umpteenth drained cocktail glass. "I remember Gregory was such a colicky baby. We had trouble getting him to sleep, as more often than not, he would just wake up crying his eyes out. Well, this one time, when they were six months old, while I was going to go check on him and calm him down, he suddenly stopped bawling. I panicked, thinking something had happened and, of course, Miles noticed too. He came running into their nursery with me and when we got into their room, we were both surprised. Gregory had stopped crying because Mila had wrapped her arms around him and snuggled him back to sleep!"

There was a unanimous chorus of cooing _awwwwes_ at the table.

"My god daughter takes her role of big sister pretty seriously, doesn't she?" Ema sighed. "Even if it is only by four minutes!"

"She never lets him forget it either!" Franziska laughed. "But even though she whips him with her jump rope and he throws spiders at her, the twins, in the end are best friends who love each other more than anything in the world!"

* * *

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

"Gregory Edgeworth I _hate_ you more than anything in this whole wide world!" Mila screeched at her brother, her hands on her hips as she looked daggers at him. "That's _not_ how it all happened and you _know_ it, you _big fat liar, liar pants on fire_!"

"Is _too_!" Her twin insisted. "And _I_ hate _you_ more, you doodie head! Up your nose with a rubber hose! So _take that_!"

"You're nothing more than a _rat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained, beetle-butt_!"

"Mila! That's no way to talk to your brother!" Edgeworth scolded. "At least _he's_ attempting to tell me what on God's name happened in your room before –"

Phoenix frantically cast a glance down at the children and realized his godson's question hadn't been a diversion tactic at all. Ace had _actually_ disappeared! _Again_!

"Holy Toledo, Gregory's right!" The defense attorney's eyes were frantic as he turned to the prosecutor and tugged at his sleeve, disturbing the current reprimand to his daughter. "There's only _three_ kids here! Ace really _is_ gone!"

"Your secret secondary job _must_ be as the arithmetic man Wright," Edgeworth retorted, displeased at having his lecture interrupted. "You appear to excel at _adding_ trouble, _subtracting_ pleasure, _dividing_ attention, and _multiplying_ ignorance!"

" _Seriously_?" Phoenix glared his so-called friend _the_ _ass_! "You're going to choose _this_ moment to opt for the typical role of _insufferable_ , _condescending prig_?"

"Are you always an idiot or just when _I'm_ around?!" Edgeworth returned, glowering right back. "How _else_ am I to react when your foolish self has now lost his son for the _third_ time in _less than an hour?!"_

"You know, despite being a father now, you _still_ haven't changed a bit! If anything, your caustic, dismissive attitude towards my plight is evidence that you have actually _regressed_ in all these years!"

" _Hold it_! Daddy! Uncle Miles! Will you two stop fighting like an _old married couple?_!" Mia yelled, putting her hands over her ears.

"Mia's right! Both of you – _zip it_!" Mila nodded earnestly, looking sternly at the suddenly shame-faced fathers.

Phoenix and Miles exchanged sheepish looks and became silent.

"Now Daddy," the blue-haired-girl turned to Edgeworth. "You know that I know that you know that I know that _that_ dork-pie has been a burr in my butt since he was born!" She crossed her arms and scowled at her twin. "This is _all_ his fault!"

"I hope gummy bears pee in your hair, _Streber_!" Gregory screamed back. "It's not _my_ fault Ace is missing!"

"I meant everything that happened _before_ now you, _Pinocchio_! But for the record, since you only told Uncle Phoenix just _now_ that Ace is gone, _that too_ , is your fault _Sie dumm fuhrt!"_

"Is _not_!" Gregory hollered back.

"Is _too_!"

"You fart pick! You're so ugly _Hello Kitty_ said _goodbye_ to you!"

"Shut up you _lying_ _cry-baby snitch_! You'll never be the man your mother is!" Mila shouted.

Despite the dreadfulness of the current situation, Phoenix barely stifled a snort of derision about the _truthful_ validation of that statement!

 _Hmmm, or is it Edgeworth's fastidiously fussy self is_ _ **more of a woman**_ _than his wife_ …? He wondered with a wicked grin, never getting to finish the thought as the next explosion erupted then.

"YOU! YOU!" Gregory shrieked at his sister, pointing his little finger at her, courtroom style. "YOU DO THAT THING DADDY ONCE SAID BUT HE TOLD ME I CAN'T SAY! THAT! YOU DO THAT!"

Edgeworth buried his magenta-colored face in his hands, looking as though he didn't know whether to laugh or cry, making Phoenix belatedly realize that things had come to head, and this was _no_ laughing matter!

"I'm going to leave you to handle this one!" The spiky haired man cried, spinning on his heel as he dashed out the door. " _You_ uncover the truth behind all this calamity and fill _me_ in later, Edgeworth! Good Lord, I've _got_ to _find Ace_! He's _still_ missing!"

* * *

 _ **Franziska Von Edgeworth, Maya Fey Wright,**_  
 _ **Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews and Ema Skye**_  
 _The Ball Room, Los Angeles_

" _This_ is what I've been _missing out on_ for the past nearly 20 years as a housewife!" Maggey crowed as she chugged back her Bend Over Shirley and was all but drooling at the strippers now. "It's like _every naughty dream of mine_ has come to life!"

The gimmicky dancers had merely been crowd warmers and the main events were out now, and definitely there to squeeze, tease and please! The last three sets had been performers who were part of the Hunk-O-Mania set. The Village People's song "In the Navy" began to play, and things kicked off a _naughty_ Navy Seal, who had had women come up and _mix a drink in his mouth_ and then wowed them all by showing off how he could tie a cherry stem into a knot using _just his mouth_!

"That's one _talented tongue_ he's got!" Maggey noted dreamily, ignoring the disapproving look the birthday girl shot her.

Apparently, even in her somewhat loosened, liquored up state, Franziska was _still_ going to play the semi-outraged, respectable, married mother _dignity card!_

Maya had to admit that the tongue twisting technique _was_ _hot_ …and allowed herself the free pass to _eye-bang_ the hell out of the dancer! However, she nearly _gagged_ when he then presented his _creation,_ from the tip of _his tongue,_ onto the _eagerly extended one_ of one of the rowdy bridesmaids at the stagette table next to them!

"This is a disgusting narrative of sordid filth and the very basest of louche immorality!" Franziska frowned disapprovingly. "That man has no idea where that woman's lips have been!"

"And vice versa," Ema added, wrinkling her nose. "Some of these guys are just… _dirty_! Doesn't she know she could contract _mononucleosis_ that way? If he does that with _her_ , he does it with _God knows who else_! Hello – it's called the _kissing disease_ for a reason!"

Adrian, who was still sober, was tittering now. "If you think military man was bad, check out what _Officer Hottie_ is up to now!"

To the tune of Inner Circle's "Bad Boys", the current hunky the man in uniform was followed by the _cocky_ Cop, who had had zero qualms with handcuffing the eager ladies who'd come on stage to the dancer pole upon it, and whacking at their buttocks with … _two very different types of_ _ **night sticks!**_

"Have these women no shame?!" Franziska shook her head in despair. "Such a high level of debauchery is quite unseemly, not to mention _unladylike_!"

Then out came out the fiery fireman, to the Sean Kingston tune of "Somebody Call 911!" He was thus far the sexiest peeler that night, and even Franziska couldn't completely stifle an appreciative smirk as he stepped off the stage, shirtless now, and in nothing else but his fire hat and briefs, grabbed the pitcher of ice water off the rowdy bachelorette's table and poured it onto himself and allowed the cool liquid to trickle down his glistening, bronze, chiseled pecs and rippling abs.

The fireman went back onto the stage, and Maya, while no fragile Mary, was gobsmacked and completely _blown away_ at the effect the _man with the hose_ had on the women! He truly took _shit to the next level_ , and gave the horny ladies who jumped up onto the stage, unable to contain themselves, _quite the interactive experience_! Each one was flipped upside down, twirled, and had all kinds of graphic, simulated sex with the hunk, looking almost more _flushed and blissfully post-orgasmic_ than most women appeared after _doing the_ _ **actual**_ _nasty_ with their partners!

"Wow, some of these broads look like they're bathing after a year in the desert!" The spirit medium gasped.

"Fire Marshall Bill there can _cool me down_ and _put out my fire_ any day!" Maggey declared, sounding envious. "Those lucky dames! That man is doing things on that stage with them that _I_ haven't even _done with my husband_!"

" _Really_?" Adrian arched an eyebrow. "I think you and Dick need to cut loose a bit there, Magpie!"

"Oh leave her alone, Little Miss Hot Yoga contortionist!" Ema teased. "Not everyone's _sexcapades_ need to entail the crazy stuff, like swinging naked from a doorway!"

"Those are some loose lips you get when you're drinking, Science Girl!" Adrian waved her finger mock-disapprovingly at her. "There are some things I've secretly confided to you that I don't necessarily think we need to scandalize this table of _respectable married mommies_ with!"

"Hey!" Franziska looked at her with indignation. "Are you telling me that you withhold information about shaking the sheets from _me,_ of all people, Adrian? I thought we were best friends!"

Adrian shifted uncomfortably in her chair and shot a sidelong glance at Ema, who flushed guiltily at her tongue slip and slumped a bit lower in her seat.

"Well, Franny, you've always seemed so…tight-lipped about these matters…" she mumbled awkwardly. "And now that you've got kids and all I just figured…"

"What, that I had no interest in hearing intimate details of your relationship with your fiancé?" Franziska affixed her with one of her best _stares_. "Or that I had no _knowledge_ of the fun copulation times that came before motherhood? Just how _did_ you think my children were created in the first place, Adrian? Via _immaculate conception_ or _swimming in a basket upstream_?"

"Well scientifically speaking Franzy…" Ema began weakly. "You know that in _your_ particular case…"

"Hush yourself Ema, go by what I _mean_ , not by what I _say_ you fool!" Franziska shot her an icy look then turned back to her guilty-looking best friend. "The point here, Adrian, is that we are all good friends, and nobody here is a blushing maiden virgin sitting in a wildflower field with a unicorn's head in her lap! Being married with children does _not_ _at all_ mean I can no longer relate to matters of sexual intercourse anymore! However, I can concede that having children may perhaps mean that Maya, Maggey and I may not have coitus with our spouses as often as you and Ema do…"

" _Sexual intercourse_? _Coitus_?" Ema recoiled at the word use. "Seriously, why you gotta make this sound so cold, clinical and … _scientific_ , Franzy? And yes, that's coming from _me_! _Must_ you be so formal and proper?!"

"What would you have me say then?" Franziska snapped. "Is it better if I say I feel _slighted? Left out? Incredibly hurt_ that my close female companions believe me to be such an _uptight prudish_ sort that they _balk_ at sharing with me the more intimate details of their _lovemaking_ sessions?"

"Ugh, what is this, _Euphemisms 101_ for primal instincts, _Fabio romance novel_ styles?" Adrian groused. "Can I get a _hell to the no_ on _that_ one?"

"Is _churn butter_ a better alternative to describe my wifely duties, er, in the biblical sense?" Maya offered with a shit-eating grin. "Or rock the casbah? Feed the kitty? Makin' bacon – hmm can you use that last one if you're of Jewish or Islamic faith…?"

"Rolling the newspaper?" Maggey twittered. "Quimsticking? Thumping thighs? Slap bellies?"

"Wind the clock?" Ema chimed in. "Make feet for children's shoes? Post a letter? Buzz the brillo?"

Enough already!" Franziska slapped her hands forcefully on the table, making the glasses all bounce and glaring at the group. "This is a _once in a blue moon_ girl's night out and _I want to hear the fun details_ about when you and your men _knock mops_! There, is _that_ better?"

"Sounds like carnal encounters between Cinderella and her dream janitor," Adrian quipped. She was subjected to a glare that could have bored holes through a wall. Flushing, she put up her palms in the surrender gesture. "Sorry, Franny! _Kidding_!"

Nobody spoke after that and everyone lapsed into an apprehensive silence.

Franziska crossed her arms across her chest and sulked.

Ema crushed the last of the ice cubes of her fully consumed drink with her straw, over and over again, until they were melted into a pool of pinkish colored water at the bottom of the glass.

Adrian fidgeted with her cell phone.

Maggey took off her glasses and focused on wiping the lenses with a clean dry napkin.

Maya slurped up the last remains of her grape juice, fervently wishing it were something stronger and cursing her noble offer to be designated driver.

The awkward hushed atmosphere amongst the friends, with only the gyrating beats of the performance music blaring in the background, continued for what seemed like eons.

The Kurain Master looked around the table and saw four sets of nervous eyes uncomfortably darting back and forth between herself…and then the tabletop. The five women were still being subjected to the _world's most pregnant pause_.

Ema guiltily caught Maya's eye and looked at her with an openly naked, pleading expression.

It appeared the onus of salvaging this birthday party had fallen upon _her_.

 _Great_ , she thought wryly, heaving a soundless sigh. _I guess since I have the ability to temporarily resurrect the dearly departed via channeling, it looks like the onus is on_ _ **me**_ _to try to bring this_ _ **party**_ _ **back to l**_ _ **ife**_ _as well! Gah! Sweet Jesus…_ _ **why me**_ _?!  
_

* * *

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

"Why _me_?!" Phoenix wailed, clapping a hand to his forehead – the same one that was _still_ slightly tender from the self-inflicted prior harm via the TV remote – and looking at the scene before him in complete horror. The impact stung like a hive of bees on the abused area.

 _Ow! Probably shouldn't have done that._

He needed to keep his wits about him, along with a clear, non-throbbing head to get him through this latest catastrophe!

The good news – he had at last found his Speedy Gonzales son, who'd run off to the Edgeworth's guest bathroom, a large, majestic space that was roughly about the size of Phoenix's own _master bedroom_ at his apartment!

The bad news – not before _pure, unmitigated disaster_ had ensued!

"I don't know _what_ my cause of death will be after all is said and done!" Phoenix was near hysteria now in his fretting. "The _plumbing bill_ , which in itself will be _murder_ , and Edgeworth will _undoubtedly_ bill me for… or _death by cravat asphyxiation_ once he gets a load of _this_!"

"Daddy!" Ace squealed excitedly upon the sight of his father, cheerily oblivious to the aghast look on the defense attorney's face.

"Ace!" Phoenix moaned, his eyes round with disbelief. "What have you _done_?!"

His son, Roc Ace Wright, had decided to do some redecorating and simultaneously attempt to ensure his father no longer had _a single black hair left_ on his now surely _purely white_ – from shock and terror! – _head_!

Apparently, Ace had placed a bunch of toilet paper into the loo… presumably in order make his very own _Game of Thrones_ … and _then_ had attempted to flush it down!

Of course, the commode, unable to handle such a vast amount of toilet paper, had overflowed…

 _She's rising like the mighty Mississippi!_ Phoenix noted with dread.

The bathroom was now essentially a _wading pool_! Ace was happily splashing about on the puddled floor like a little duck, completely _naked_ from the waist down! He had decided to _paint_ the _shiny, white, marbled tiles_ of the bathroom walls… with the _insides of his diaper,_ which he'd since removed, along with his socks and pants. All items sat in a curled up, _soggy_ heap on the drenched _jade_ tiled floor!

 _ **How** i_ _n the name of_ _ **all that is holy**_ _, did my son manage to create such a calamity in what,_ _ **5 minutes**_ _?! When they call it the Terrible Twos – they're not freaking kidding!_

" _Ew_ , it _stinks_ in here! Daddy, did you _fart_?!"

Phoenix looked up and saw Mia peeking into the bathroom from the safe, and still mercifully dry, outskirts of the guest room, to which the bathroom was attached, her button nose wrinkled at the ripe aroma of _festering_ baby poop!

"Hi Princess!" He called, reaching down to take off his now sodden socks and carefully rolling up his pant legs to his knees as he waded across the bathroom in an effort to grab Ace.

Unfortunately, the toddler seemed to think he and his father were playing some sort of tag-game, so he kept laughing and running even further away from Phoenix, creating little splashes in his wake as he did so.

"Um, no Mia, Daddy didn't pass gas… Ace had to er, take a _boom-boom_ and um…just stay there on the carpet, OK? Don't come in here!"

" _Pee-yew_! What did you guys _feed_ him?! It smells like something crawled up Ace's butt and _died_!" Mia held her nose with one hand as she craned her neck to see into the sodden bathroom without having to step inside.

 _I have no idea what Maya fed him for dinner!_ Phoenix thought helplessly, trying to breathe through his mouth so he wouldn't wilt from the wafting aroma. _Or even how something so tiny could make such an eye-watering stench this_ _ **large, putrid and**_ _ **vile**_ _!_ _Although based on color, texture and_ _ **stench**_ _…I'd say Ace had either beef and bean tacos and/or mommy's homemade chili! Way to make sure my_ _ **punishment outweighs the crime**_ _, wife of mine!_ _ **Nice**_ _one!_

"Don't worry Daddy, I'm not coming in, it reeks like rotten, _poopy_ in there anyway!" Mia's jaw dropped as she saw the evidence of her brother's _artwork_ on the walls. "Oh yuck! Ace! You smeared your _smelly doody_ all over Uncle Miles and Aunt Franny's walls!"

"I painting, _Mee-ya_!" Ace announced merrily as he pointed to his wall decorating and clapping his hands delightedly. Boy, was he proud!

" _Bad boy_!" His sister waved an admonishing index at him with her free hand – the other was still holding her nose. "Very naughty! Boys are _sooo_ gross, Daddy!"

"Mia…" Phoenix barely resisted the urge to yank at his spikes in frustration as he leaned over to grab at his son again, only to have the toddler slip through his hands yet again. "Could you, um, grab me some towels from the guest hall closet, _please_? And then perhaps ask Uncle Miles where the mop is? Maybe in the utility closet by the kitchen?"

" _Wright_!" A howl of fury thundered just as Mia scampered off.

 _Oh_ _ **crap**_ _!_ _I_ _was hoping to get some of this water mopped up before Edgeworth found the worst of the damning evidence…_

Phoenix winced at the sound of Edgeworth's infuriated roar behind him. While never quick to anger, his friend's temper was a slow burning fuse. There was no problem while there was still more to burn, but then the explosion would catch you by surprise, leaving you shattered and vulnerable.

Desperately, he made one last grab for his son, and finally scooped him into his arms. As he turned around to face the music, holding Ace in front of him as a makeshift human shield, Phoenix idly wondered, as he saw the homicidal look in the other man's eyes, if he could delay his _frilly, fluttery napkin death by strangulation_ just a _tad._

After all _,_ he _was_ holding a toddler in his arms at the present moment!

 _Edgy surely wouldn't murder me right in front of my nearly infant son_ _ **would**_ _he?! I don't care how justifiably he argues his case to the jury – that would just be plain old, good old-fashioned…_ _ **mean**_ _!_

"Hi Edgeworth," Phoenix flashed a sickly grin as he held out the giggling tot to the stormy-eyed prosecutor, hoping that his friend wouldn't blow his stack in front of his son. "Look, um, I found Ace, as you can see…"

Edgeworth's visage resembled one of the faces of Mount Rushmore as he eyed Phoenix stonily.

 _Somehow, I don't think Edgy's going to congratulate me on the success of my quest in the case of the missing toddler…_

Edgeworth's temper was a simmering pot, slow burning, ready to bubble up at any moment. His normally composed face was scarlet, and Phoenix swore he saw actual _steam_ coming off his cheeks!

" _Wright_!" The prosecutor finally bellowed.

Phoenix cringed as he braced himself for what came next.

Edgeworth extended his arm and accusing pointer finger, courtroom style, not at Phoenix, but at something just _behind_ him with a look of utter revulsion.

"I _demand_ an explanation _why_ my bathroom is now _bloody Niagara Falls_ , _why_ my _alabaster_ walls are no longer _white_ …and…" The blood drained from the Chief Prosecutor's face then and he could barely squawk out the rest of the words as they appeared to have died in his throat. "Oh _dear Lord_ …did your son… not _only_ overflow my toilet…and…paint the walls with his stool…but then… _defecate_ _**in my bidet**_?!"

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's:_

 **Luffy** : (chapter 1)

Yes kids are a handful as these Ace Daddies will find out soon enough!

I am amazed by my ability to actually make readers start reviewing…especially in other languages! Let the record show that is now English, Spanish, German…and now Japanese! _Arigatō Misses Roboto!_ You would think with age would come wisdom but if Dual Destinies was anything to go by, it seems Nick only gets hotter (but dumber and goofier!) with age! LOL. Poor Phoenix – you keep threatening him by the (iconic!) spikes! Miles is a genius prosecutor but I can't ever see him being fully at ease with children as he's so anal…see chapter three for examples! (also, see his reaction to Kay, as a grieving child, blowing her nose in his precious cravat!) Muchas gracias!

 **Lotta Zem** (chapter 1)

You've got to get on the Ace Attorney Bandwagon! Bribe, cheat, steal to get your hands at least on the original Phoenix trilogy it's amazing! I do my best to keep my characters true to the personalities in the game, and while Miles is a rigid, stiff upper lip sort of man, he tends to act like the straight man when Phoenix is around playing the hot-headed bumbler and the two of them are pure comic gold in the game so I tried to continue that dynamic here! Sort of like an old married couple of hot dads! It means so much you liked the tale thus far without even knowing the characters but I really think when you do, you'll like this even more and fall in love with them like most of us have!

 **(Chapter 3)**

 **Feraligreater328**

My poor dear friend, I didn't mean to break you! Your babies are not even a year old…surely you have at least another half year to a year of some peace before life imitates art, surely? XD

Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

 **Ilet Moratar**

I could so see Edgeworth trying to wriggle out of diaper duty by acting all prim and proper and Franny needing to whip that _merda_ out of him! I am so pleased you like your birthday present, it is such a welcome, light reprieve from Turnabout Everlasting as it's such light-hearted fluff in comparison!

Next chapter I think will be the final…I hope you are happy with the wrap up!

 **Ryszard**

Edgy is a classy kinky deviant! No _Debbie Does Dallas_ for him! :p

Even if Maya does murder Nick it would be the world's most _justifiable_ homicide, surely? And she's a spirit medium so she could just have him channeled, throttle him, and then kill him some more! XD

Heaven help those who are around for Hurricane Franziska! Age hasn't slowed down that temper one little bit!

I did fix the gratuitous German swearing so danke for that and the colorful commentary as always! Pleasure! (it's Ok to insult Franny…she IS a bit of a bitch! Lol)

 **Yanmegaman**

Skinema? LOL!

Always happy to tickle the funny bone, funny, punny man! Oh man, the drinks was one of my fave parts here! And Franny has had a LOT of them…. XD

Look who's loosened up!

Gah! I don't want to see that Judge naked or think about him in conjunction with any sort of _penal code_! I mean if his wiry grey BEARD hair is bad enough to think of… (ugh, thanks a lot for that imagery!) :p


	5. Objection! Erection! Confession!

_A/N: **Feraligreater328:** most heartfelt thanks to you and your family for their hilarious input for this story on child-rearing and other scandalous details!_

 _...we're rounding the bend guys...enjoy! :)  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Five** **:** **Objection! Erection! Confession!**

 _ **Franziska Von Edgeworth, Maya Fey Wright,**_  
 _ **Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews and Ema Skye**_  
 _The Ball Room, Los Angeles_

The Kurain Master fidgeted with her empty glass, still mulling over the somewhat _ironic_ fact that while Franziska had essentially _commanded_ the others to regale and _entertain_ her with the lurid details of their private lives with their partners, the German woman was notoriously tight-lipped with sharing such details _herself_! Maya would know! She'd _tried_ – just a fortnight ago!

The results had been embarrassingly _painful_ …

* * *

 _Two weeks ago…_

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Maya Fey Wright**_  
 _ **Miles Edgeworth and Franziska Von Edgeworth**_  
 _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

"It's _painfully embarrassing_ that whenever you two foolish fools get together, it is _nigh impossible_ to decipher _either_ of you from the children! Now both of you, _shut your foolish mouths_ _immediately_!" Franziska brandished her whip threateningly at the two sullen lawyers.

"Yeah, and _act your ages_ , not _those of our kids_!" Maya admonished, waving her finger at both their husbands. "Neither of us want to hear a _peep_ out of either one of you until you learn to _play nice!_ Five minutes of silence, as of _now_!"

" _He_ started it," Edgeworth muttered petulantly, then buried his head in his newspaper when Franziska shot him a look that could have rendered him plant food!

It was after dinnertime. The butler had retired downstairs to his place a few floors down for the evening, and Edgeworth was in his armchair, looking over the challenging _New York Times_ crossword puzzle, the answers which he'd confidently boasted to Phoenix he was going to input _in ink_ rather than _pencil!_ (Thoroughly unimpressed, his courtroom rival had merely smirked in response and called the prosecutor a _Poindexter Show-Off_.)

At his end, Phoenix was struggling, for the umpteenth time, to successfully figure out how to change his Dumb Phone ringtone from the _Steel Samurai_ theme song! Maya _still_ refused to help him with that, as she insisted the nearly 20-year-old theme as caller-ID was "nostalgic." (Edgeworth had inserted that it was actually "dated and annoying." Phoenix had retorted that Edgeworth's _face_ was "dated and annoying!")

Hence, the two wives had had to make an objection and give the two _42-going on-5-year-old_ men a five- minute "time-out!"

Ergo, the living room, and the entire condominium, was presently filled with rare, _peaceful_ silence. The twins and Mia were quietly watching some kids TV show on Nickelodeon in Gregory's bedroom, and Ace was currently napping in Mila's room.

"Would anyone like to have some coffee and cake?" Franziska offered her guests. "Hendricks made your favorite, _liebling_ , black forest cake."

"Sounds good, _meine dame_ ," Edgeworth murmured, furrowing his brow at a particularly mind-bending clue in his puzzle.

"Sure, thanks Franziska," Phoenix nodded and resumed _his_ mind-bending task of figuring out his ringtones.

"I'll come help serve," Maya offered, rising from the sofa and following her friend into the kitchen.

The women seemed to have forgotten that the highly sensitive, top of the line, _two-way audio_ _receiver_ of Ace's baby monitor, the other which was in Mila's room, was perched on the dining room table, which was directly in between both the kitchen and living room.

Both men looked up with a start as they heard Phoenix's wife, loud and clear from the other room.

"Hey, Franziska, can I ask you something?" Maya began awkwardly. "Sorry, it's sort of personal…"

"Don't be foolish Maya," Franziska answered. "We've been friends for nearly 20 years! Our husbands are the godfathers of each of our children! There should be no barriers between us!"

"Hmmm, maybe we should turn off that monitor till they return to give them some privacy," Phoenix ventured noncommittedly as he frowned at his phone. "You know, give them some privacy?"

"It's fine, Wright," Edgeworth dismissed absently, while tapping his Mount Blanc fountain pen against his chin. "I'm not really paying much attention, are you?"

"Nah, not really."

"Nick has been begging me to go to 5th base but he's a bit too… _above average_ and I'm kind of apprehensive!" Maya blurted out. "Franny, have _you and Miles_ ever tried it?"

Edgeworth's pen froze in mid-air, and Phoenix felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise, just as Franziska let out an affronted gasp.

"I _beg_ your pardon?"

"You know…" Maya's voice trailed off in embarrassment as she mumbled. " _Backdoor_?"

There was the unmistakable sound of a china cup suddenly shattering on the kitchen floor, followed by the sounds of a gratuitous steady-stream of German curse words from Franziska in response.

" _Gah_!" Phoenix jumped up off the sofa. "I'm going to turn that blasted thing off this instant!"

Without even looking up from the paper, Edgeworth grabbed his friend's arm, effectively halting him.

"Touch that thing, Wright and _I'll break your hand_!"

"You _know_ …" Maya clarified unnecessarily. "When _things_ that normally enter via the _front door_ , ah, decide to take a _different_ _entrance passage_ …hey! You _said_ I could ask you _anything,_ so you can stop giving me that _death glare_ already!"

" _Ngh_! How dare you insinuate something so inappropriate and foolish, you shameless fool!" Franziska snapped. "Don't you know I am a respectable married mother, and not that kind of _schlampe?!"_

"Well I wasn't trying to _offend_ you by _insinuating_ you may know from _personal experience_!" Maya wailed elegiacally. "But you're supposed to be the über sophisticated European one…would you happen to _know_ what's _normal_ for couples…perchance? I mean, it kind of makes me afraid, as Nick is well, how do I say this… _quite a bit more_ than 'normal'…?"

" _Just…kill me…now_ …" Phoenix groaned and took his free hand, which wasn't currently imprisoned by the prosecutor's iron-grip, and clapped it against his face, which was an identical shade to Edgeworth's suit.

"Maya Fey-Wright, if you don't _immediately cease_ sullying my poor ears with this… _overshared, nasty information_ I could have _easily gone another century without hearing_ , I swear I shall make my whip speak for me!"

"Well fine! You go and be all _uptight and puritan_ then! I was hoping that being married the longer of us two, you could actually be relied upon for valuable advice!" Maya retorted. "And the only reason I thought I could ask you about this was because last month, at Adrian's engagement party, you downed a few glasses of wine and confessed that Miles seems to suffer from the same "horse-sized problem" that Nick does…"

Edgeworth let out a slight moan and slid down slightly in his chair.

" _Objection_!" Franziska shouted furiously. "How _dare_ you bring that up! Drunken antics and confessions are completely _inadmissible_ , don't you know _anything_!?"

"For Pete's sake we aren't in a court of law, Franziska! _Ouch_! My _arm_!"

There was the unmistakable crack of leather against flesh.

"Don't say I didn't warn you!"

" _Ow_! My _other_ arm! I'm sorry that my embarrassing reminder of your husband being as _well-hung_ as mine – incidentally, which most women would deem as bragging rights, by the way! – brings you such outraged indignation, _Mother Theresa_! _Yow_! OK, you've made your point, Franny! Enough already! _Please_!"

Phoenix flopped back down onto the sofa and buried his burning face in his hands, then peeked at Edgeworth through his fingers. "Um, shouldn't we be doing something?"

"Wright, _I_ wish to live to see next week's crossword puzzle! If _you_ wish to live long enough to figure out your bloody phone, or see your daughter learn to tie her own shoelaces – _my_ bet would be on the _latter_ being the _sooner and more likely_ to occur – I suggest you make like a seafood buffet and _clam up_!" Edgeworth raised his newspaper higher to further cover his equally fiery cheeks.

"B-But my dear wife just got _whiplashed_ by _your_ not-so-dear wife!"

"Dammit, Wright! _Never_ meddle in female discussions if you know what's good for you!" Edgeworth glared at him over the tops of his glasses. "Not unless your imbecilic self is _actively soliciting_ a _boot to the head_!"

* * *

 _Present Day…_

 _ **Franziska Von-Edgeworth, Maya Fey-Wright,**_  
 _ **Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews and Ema Skye**_  
 _The Ball Room, Los Angeles_

 _A boot to the head would still be more welcome than this sudden graveyard gathering,_ Maya decided, sighing soundlessly. _I'd be all for it, too, if I thought it'd_ _ **kick-start**_ _the_ _ **life**_ _back into the otherwise **mort mood**_ _of everyone here at this damn table!_

To distract herself from these dismal thoughts, the Kurain Master looked up to see what was going up on the stage, which was a prime example of a pure, unadulterated balls to the wall, nail-biting _raunch_ -fest!

Presently, there was quite a _lot_ of sweaty grinding, mild frontal groping, and a _metric shit-ton_ of _bare ass-grabbing_! There were men in the crowd at the same time as the women onstage – where on earth had _they_ come from?! Maya's jaw dropped as she witnessed a girl from the wild bachelorette table next door, laying on the stage, _entirely covered by a hunk_ , only one spare arm sticking out, pulling him even closer! The bride herself looked like she was getting _electrocuted_ during her lap dance, as if they were to touch two bare parts of their body together it would trip a wire!

Well, at least _some_ folks were kicking up their heels and having a good time!

"God bless her," Maya declared, breaking the silence and giving a mock salute with her drained juice glass.

"There is nothing _Godly_ about this!" Franziska snapped. "It is utterly _devoid_ of any redemptive qualities and serves only to _titillate the prurient_ interests!"

"Some women just really get off on places like this," Adrian shrugged. "Who are we to judge? Us, who have front row seats here practically in pervert's row!"

"We are _not_ in _pervert's row_! That would be if we were in those _happily occupied direct chairs_ right in front of the stage!" Maggey defended. "It just so happens that we had to take _this_ table…right _next_ _to the stage_ , because it was the only one available when we got here!"

"Am I the only one who finds these places more _amusing_ than _arousing_?" Ema drawled, flagging down a waiter and placing another drink order for a Kinky Blow Pop. "I mean, really, you've seen _one_ dong, you've seen them _all_ , right? You kind of get immune after a while."

"I still think a man's _glied_ should not be for public viewing and for one special person's private viewing pleasure only!" Franziska grabbed her newly replaced Popped Cherry cocktail and tossed back half of it in one gulp, gasping as it seared a burning path down her throat. "How would any of _you_ feel, knowing another woman has been aware of the details of _your_ partner's … _parts_?"

"Well, at Adrian and Simon's engagement party, you knocked back a few too many and gave us some _serious TMI_ on _Miles' said parts_!" Maggey sniggered, too drunk to notice the infuriated blush spreading across Franziska's face at the reminder.

"Yeah, you may as well have _drawn us a picture_!" Ema chimed in, clapping a hand over her mouth to smother her own giggles. "What was it you called him? _Seabiscuit_?"

"Cut it out, Ema!" Franziska growled, cheeks further reddening, but her eyes dropped to the table. "I was drinking that evening and can't possible recall every foolish thing I said!"

"I thought it was _Mr. Ed_?" Maggey was wiping the tears of mirth from her eyes. "Or would you prefer if I'd say _Herr Ed_ , instead?"

"I was _not_ in the right sorts from the copious amounts of vintage wine Klavier insisted on bringing from our native land to the party, so I shouldn't be held accountable for that night!"

"Come on, Franny!" Adrian joked. "This isn't a courtroom! Drunk or sober, anything _epically_ _hilarious_ that you _overshare_ indeed _can and will be_ used to tease you mercilessly amongst your friends!"

"Stop it!" Franziska cried plaintively, angry tears now forming in her eyes as she looked at her friends. " _Please_!"

Maya looked with concern at the birthday girl, noting that she no longer seemed angry, just genuinely distressed, and discomfited by the relentless ribbing.

"Guys, come on, knock it off!" The Master ordered, using her best authoritative _Mommy_ voice and shooting a warning look at their friends. "Can't you guys see if she's not kidding here?"

Maya then turned to the distraught German woman and gently placed a hand on her arm.

"Franziska, please don't be so upset, they were only teasing," she urged softly, noticing her friend was actually starting to sniffle. "We can't have _another_ birthday where the guest of honor is crying at her own party! Otherwise, I'm going to feel like this is a time machine warp and we're in a part-two redo of 14 years ago, circa my 21st shindig at The Borscht Bowl Club!"

Franziska reluctantly exhibited a watery smile, but when she looked up at Maya again, her beautiful gray orbs were still glistening.

" _Oh no_!" Ema gasped in dismay as she saw the unshed tears sparkling in the former prosecutor's eyes. "Franny, please forgive us!"

"We didn't _mean_ it!" Maggey wailed, sounding near tears herself now. "We're _so sorry_!"

"Oh honey! _Please_ don't cry!" Adrian begged. "We _totally_ suck and stuff! You have _full permission_ to punish us to the maximum in any way you see fit! I decree that you give us _each_ _1000 lashes_!"

 _Speak for yourself, woman_! Maya thought grimly. _As much as_ _ **your**_ _kinky self may very well deserve– and_ _ **possibly enjoy**_ _! – Such retribution, let the record show that_ _ **I**_ _didn't partake in this razzing_ _ **at all!**_ _Also,_ _ **I've**_ _already paid_ _ **my**_ _dues with that whip, thankyouverymuch!_

"I _know_ I am being a foolish fool," Franziska admitted, dabbing at her eyes with the napkin Maya handed her. "But I cannot desist from feeling like I have breached a most sacred trust with my husband! As though I have sullied the sanctity of my marriage by revealing something so revealingly private about my Miles' _privates_ , by unwittingly… _exposing_ such privy details, and in such an _unseemly_ manner!"

"Hey, you had no problem trying to make _us_ confess details of our love lives!" Ema protested.

"That's the worst part! While _I've_ always attempted complete discretion in my personal affairs, due to my upbringing, I know how _you_ _American girls_ just love to share – sometimes even _overshare_! – And I have done my best to keep up with the _when in Rome_ antics!" Franziska looked absolutely miserable. "Despite being gun-shy myself, I very much still wish to be kept abreast in the ongoings of my dearest friends! If _sharing is caring_ , then so be it, and let it be how we maintain our female bonds, despite us all now being partnered up and/or having children!"

"Oh Franny…" Adrian soothed, reaching across the table and patting her best friend's hand. "And of course we'll all still be close, marriage and children shouldn't have to change that. There's no need to beat yourself up like this! It's alright…we understand."

"I don't think you do! I _know_ it seems hypocritical of me, and it's most unintentional. Yet I can't help the way I was raised and having old-fashioned values! Miles is my _husband_ , the _father of my children_ , not just some _random man_ I had…one-time _relations with_! My father always said a _lady_ was not to speak of such personal matters, like a common strumpet, and should honor her husband, and have more _respect_ than to air out details that only a wife should know!" Franziska buried her burning face in her hands. " _That's_ why I'm so ashamed! I cannot _imagine_ Papa's reaction if he were still alive and had heard me then! Heaven forbid if _Miles_ had heard me …what would _he_ _think_ of me!"

 _Oh man!_ Maya thought sympathetically, patting Franziska's shoulder. _It always comes back to old Manfred Von Karma doesn't it? That diabolical fiend_ _ **really**_ _did a number on her, didn't he? The poor woman has more demons in her closet than_ _ **Beelzebub**_ _!_

"Let me get this straight," Adrian began slowly. "You think your _husband_ , who has loved you for nearly _twenty years_ , would suddenly think his wife and mother of his children is no better than some _common doxy_ , merely because _one time_ , you were celebrating a little bit too much with your best friends, and revealed he was _Long Dong Silver_?!"

"Of course not!" Maggey insisted. "Miles may be a little mortified initially that the secret of his _oversized trouser snake_ became known at first, but Mr. Stuffy Prosecutor is _still_ a _man_! Trust me, he'd get over it eventually, and then totally be a _cocky peacock_ over this! After all, it's not as if you pointed out his ah… _shortcomings_ , right? He thinks the _world_ of you, Franny! _That_ will _never_ change!"

"None of us should be judged as some sort of loose-moral women because we choose to share stories beyond diaper duties," Maya said kindly. "Dishing about silly, sometimes private, things in the name of girl talk is just harmless fun between friends, Franziska. Gossiping about their husbands is how women have been _bonding_ since _the beginning of time_!"

" _Yeah_ , it's not like you _blogged about it and put up a picture_!" Ema exclaimed. "Now that would be a case where _sharing is scaring_! However, I _swear_ to you girl, this will be the _last_ we mention of it, _ever_ , we _promise_! And we'll never breathe a word of it to another soul!"

Franziska flashed a grateful smile then. " _Danke_ , _fräulein_. I still can't help but feel a tad embarrassed though…"

"Would it help you feel better at all, if perhaps _we_ ," Maya gestured to herself and the others. "Revealed some silly, embarrassing thing, about our partners, to _you_? In strictest confidence of course! Which we will all take a blood oath will _never_ go past anyone at this table," she added quickly.

"That's a great idea!" Adrian chimed in. "I'm game if everyone else is!"

The others all nodded, keen to make amends.

"While this is most kind, I must admit, this is a most… _unusual_ act of peacekeeping," Franziska tittered, her now dry eyes bright with curiosity as she beamed then. "So, who would like to go first?"

There was a pregnant pause at the table.

 _Mystic Ami help me!_ Maya moaned to herself. _Not again_! _There's only so much necromancy I am capable of if this party dies another death! Time to take one for the team even if it is in absentia…Larry, Iris…please forgive me for what I'm about to do…_

"This one's from Iris," she blurted out before she could stop herself. "But apparently, Larry _cries_ after every orgasm! Like, full blown bawls. _Each and every time_."

There was a momentary stunned silence at the table…right before all five women simultaneously exploded with laughter.

" _Hoo boy_! _Why_ does this not surprise me in the least?" Maggey gasped, taking off her glasses because she was literally crying tears of mirth. "That Butz always was a gigantic sissy crybaby wasn't he?"

"More of a bawling infant than that man-baby stripper could ever be!" Adrian jibed.

"My poor cousin!" Maya guffawed. "7 years and three kids later, Iris is used to it now. But the first time they made love and it happened, she thought he'd _broken something_ and completely panicked! How was the poor girl supposed to know he was sobbing tears of _exuberant gratitude?!"_

The ball was completely free-rolling now, and with more velocity and vigor than the giant boulder from the _Indiana_ _Jones_ movie.

"Lana told me that Jake never, _ever_ takes off his cowboy hat," Ema inserted. "Like, _ever_ , even _during the deed_! We are talking two decades of her having to be a _ride em cowboy_ kinda girl for the most part!"

" _Yee-haw! Give it to Grandma_!" Maya howled.

"Well, am sure that Stetson makes it easier if they're role playing," Maggey quipped. "Even if it does make old Jake be rather _type-cast_!"

"He also tends to _thank_ my sister, _post giddyap_ , _every single time_!" Ema added. "Lana's like, ' _I don't know if I should be gratified for gratifying him, or feel like a hooker who's done him a favor_?' As she pointed out, it's _hardly_ a chore, right? _She_ kinda likes it too! Enough to give him two girls, on _two_ separate occasions!"

"The _harlot and the cowboy_ …sounds like makings for some amusing role play!" Franziska laughed, finally getting into the swing of things.

"Don't even get _me_ started on role playing!" Adrian groaned. "Simon takes _that_ to a whole new dimension; to the point where he wants to _practice being in character_ before he's ready for the _Iaijutsu_ of his _katana_ to _wield it for action_! We are talking method methodical here... he'll literally bark… ' _SILENCE, Andrian-dono! THAT IS NOT YOUR LINE!'_ Like, _fully costumed and written script_ scenarios here, ladies!"

"Well, we always knew those samurais were a _disciplined lot_!" Maya twittered. "I guess Simon would take things seriously in every sense, even it means _acting, scripting and directing_ his own love scenes so there's minimal outtakes!"

" _Scenes_? Try _a whole skin flick_! If I ever give up managing Lordly Tailor, I could be the biggest porn queen since Jemma Jameson!" Adrian sighed. "Do you know we have a hidden library collection of our various movie plots, since he also insists on _recording_ these… performances?!"

"This would be a very _different_ kind of _Steel Samurai, sword unsheathing_ video than the kind you and Miles so enjoyed, wouldn't it, Maya?" Franziska giggled maniacally.

"The best part is, my Twisted Samurai ultimately isn't _that_ disciplined!" Adrian smirked. "No matter what role he's playing, Simon still _insists_ on keeping that feather in his mouth! Do you even _know_ how much that blasted thing tickles?!"

"At least _feathers_ are still _erotic_!" Maggey snickered.

" _Erotic_ is when you use _a_ feather!" Maya clarified, nearly doubling over. " _Kinky_ is when you use _the whole hawk_!"

"Oh dear God!" Adrian dropped her head on the table, her slender shoulders shaking with laughter.

"Me next!" Ema begged. "My confession is that my former rock star, Klavier…literally _sings_ when I offer him… _lip service_! However, his private concert crooning is _nothing_ like he does on stage though! We are talking _noise polluting, tone deaf warbling_ , in contrast to his normally swoon-worthy serenading self! Ugh, I'm tempted to _cover my ears with my hands_ or secretly put in earplugs, it's so bad! Not to mention that it seriously throws off my groove with _Herr Mike_!"

"Herr Mike?" Franziska took a break from tittering then, her brow furrowed in confusion.

Ema shrugged sheepishly. " _Herr_ , as in _Mister_ Mike. Um, that's what we named… _it_. _Mike_ …as in _microphone_."

" _Hee_!" Maggey clapped a hand over her mouth. "Once a performer, always a performer! Sounds like Klavier and Simon's ultimate roles are playing _a couple of hams_!"

"Yes, am sure it's a _total shocker_ that my glimmerous fop busts out the flamboyant moves both _in and out_ of the sack!" Ema grinned mischievously. "One time, to break up the monotony, I decided to surprise him by moving my mouthy ministrations to … _unchartered paths_! You should have heard him! Instead of ' _Achtung baby_!' he was like, ' _Ack! Tongue, Baby_!'"

Franziska was sure her sides would split open from laughing so hard. Encouraged, Maya looked at the amused faces around her, then flushed when she realized that the four sets of inquisitive eyes were now on _her_.

"So…I guess I'm next." The spirit medium's cheeks reddened. "Well…you all know Nick is Mr. Unbreakable, right, and feels no discomfort no matter _what_ you do to him?" Everyone nodded eagerly. "Well…the thing is, my husband is sort of _into_ pain. Like not S  & M stuff but…" she lowered her voice. "He likes it when I _bite_ him!"

" _Mein Gott_!" Franziska's eyes widened. "Did this hidden deviance become unleashed due to all those times I whipped him in court back in the day?!"

"For Chrissake, I don't bite him _there_!" Maya muttered. "We're just talking um, _love bites_ …that sometimes leave behind some _evidence beyond the typical hickey_ since Nick has a freakishly higher pain tolerance than most people is all…"

"Scientifically speaking, the only other kind of evidence resulting from this sort of tongue and teeth action beyond surface bruising and discoloration of the epidermis is…" Ema's eyes grew to the size of saucers then. "Wait! _You don't mean_ …"

The Master nodded. "Nick was wearing shorts one day, and they kind of rode up while he was horsing around with Ace. And our overly astute, very concerned daughter inquired about the _bite marks on his inner thigh_ and asked how Daddy got hurt!" Maya clapped a hand over her eyes as she confessed. "He had to tell Mia Daddy had an encounter with a big, mean dog in People Park!"

"I always had you pegged as more a _Chihuahua than Pitbull_ , Maya!" Maggey teased.

"Very funny!" Maya crossed her arms and stared at the former Goddess of Misfortune. "I do believe it's _your_ turn with the _scandal_ talking stick, Madam. So tell us, does Gumshoe do anything… _weird_?"

Maggey turned crimson and downed the remains of her drink in one swallow.

"Dick, farts."

"WHAT?!" The other four women exclaimed in unison. "DICK FARTS?"

"After every… _release_." Maggey slunk lower in her seat. "Dick gets so relaxed that he literally…has sex farts. It's so bad that I've been contemplating buying a rubber hood just so I can cover my nose…"

"Ngh! Waiter!" Franziska raised her hand at the passing server. "I think I need another drink now!"

"Well, it's pretty obvious where Jeff the fart logger gets it from!" Maya was laughing so hard she nearly fell off her chair.

"And also, _every single time_ afterwards…after he releases both _gas and essence_ …" Maggey clapped a hand over her mouth to smother her guffaw. "He _giggles_."

"On top of everything else, are you seriously telling us that the former scruffy detective _giggles_ after…lovemaking?" Franziska echoed, her eyes dancing with merriment. "Ah…is he ticklish?"

"No!" Maggey chuckled. "Not in the least. Kind of unnerving and distracting too, let me tell you, depending on what I'm doing at the time."

"I cannot believe you managed to conceive two kids!" Adrian shook her head.

"Neither do I!"

"Bonus one from Athena," Ema ventured. "Even though he's Mr. Chords of Steel in the courtroom, Apollo is apparently pretty _quiet_ in the bedroom. The only sounds he makes are cute little squeaks, like a happy little chipmunk!"

"Should we privately dub him Alvin, Simon, or Theodore?" Maya joked.

"Like _you_ , Maya, he's quite the sharp-toothed little critter indeed, and gets quite into the role!" Ema added, clapping a hand to her mouth. "He chewed a hole through her undies once – and no they weren't the edible kind!"

"That's one way to get yourself a free pair of _crotch-less_ panties!" Maggey rasped, clutching her sides.

"You ladies are _scandalous, silly, and sublime_!" Franziska snickered, shook her head, and smiled fondly at them. "And I adore each and every one of you! This has been the greatest birthday I think I've ever had!"

"See, Franny, sharing isn't so bad," Ema smiled. "It's all good-natured fun!"

"You're right," Franziska agreed, taking a long sip of her new drink, hilariously named The Angry German. "Which is why I'm prompted to tell you all something wonderfully maddening about my fastidiously, fixated on cleanliness husband. Ema, do you recall last weekend how you and Klavier watched the children while Miles took me out for a romantic dinner?"

"How could I forget?" Ema rolled her eyes comically. "We're _still_ scrubbing the crayon marks off our walls from the little artists in training!"

"Well, after dinner, I had Miles rush us home," Franziska confided. "I desperately yearned for _one_ _passionate night_ of frantic lovemaking with complete abandon; for Miles to just _ravage_ me, there and then! Take me right in that living room, or even _on the floor_ , because I'd hoped my sexy new lacy red bra and panties set that I was wearing under my dress would get him so worked up he wouldn't be able to make it to the bedroom!"

"Ooh, sounds hot!" Maya leaned forward, delighted her conservative friend had at last loosened her tongue – only about a half dozen or so drinks later! "Sooo….what happened?!"

"I married the fussiest, and most _fusty_ man in America, is what happened!" Franziska griped. "He insisted on _first wiping down the couches_ and then getting the extra sheets from the linen closet and laying them down on the furniture before he would allow us to become joined upon them with our bare flesh!"

"At least he didn't use any type of disinfectant on you both beforehand, right?" Adrian hooted.

"No he did not." Franziska's lips twitched into a wry smile. "Although we were together six months before I raised an _objection_ to his incessant need to _immediately_ go wash his nether regions immediately post-copulation!"

" _Bwah-ha-ha-ha_!" Ema was howling. "Does Miles not know that unless sex is _dirty_ , he's not doing it right?"

"If you want clean, that's what showers are for!" Maggey added.

"Oh, we had that!" A dreamy smile crossed Franziska's face at the memory. "That was right after the sofa…but before I said to hell with the sheets and made him take me right on the rug in front of the fireplace. Maya, why do you think he was wearing long pants tonight? To hide the rug burn battle wounds on his knees, of course!"

"You go girl! Show him how it's done!" Maya gave her friend a high five. "Cleanliness and finicky semantics be damned!"

"Well Maya, I suppose _you and Phoenix_ are the reason he was so neurotic about _our_ bare flesh on those prized Italian leather couches of his!"

Maya's face flamed. She knew where this was going.

"It's _their_ fault?" Ema asked, perplexed. "How so?"

"Oh, from the time we loaned them our condo as their private _love shack_!" Franziska smirked as Maya moaned in mortification and slunk down in her seat. "Hendricks told me it took him nearly three months to get those _sweaty, oily butt prints_ buffed out of the cushions!"

" _Just…kill…me…now…"_ Maya actually wondered if it was possible to _die_ from humiliation, as her friends all nearly went into cardiac arrest around her. She scowled, hoping they'd laugh so hard they'd wet their pants!

Luckily, she was spared further ribbing as the MC then announced the next dancer on stage.

"Ladies…give it up for Zorro!"

A handsome, tanned Hispanic man came out then, complete with the mask and cape and a rose in his teeth, which, while he whipped off his hat and threw it aside, he tossed right at the completely enthralled looking Maggey and then continued his striptease to some pulsating Latin beats.

"Oh, come to mama…" she breathed, her alcohol-glazed over eyes glowing behind her glasses.

"Come now, don't tell me you actually find this _arousing_?" Franziska scorned, gesturing to the women who were already on the stage, bumping and grinding with the stripper as he shook his admittedly ridiculous-looking sequined thong booty at them. "Surely, Maggey you have more class than to be flaunting your body and dirty dancing like the rest of those disgraceful shameless hussies up there?!"

"Hey, I thought you'd agreed to loosen up a bit after that last confession session, birthday girl?" Adrian joked.

"Yes, looser with my _lips,_ and only amongst _meine damen_ , not with my _hips_ , like some _miststück_ in heat!" Franziska crossed her arms. "Also, you shan't see _me_ putting money down a man's pants! It's dirty, it's immoral, it's degrading..."

Suddenly, Zorro jumped off from the stage and whipped off his sequined thong, revealing an even teeny-tinier underwear underneath – which could only be described as a _C-string!_ He came right up to Maggey and rubbed the discarded glittery loin cloth over the top of her hair, then proceeded to grind his pelvis against the back of her head. Her eyes widened in shock and fear.

Maggey began to look to more and more uncomfortable as the dancer spun her around in her seat and then proceeded to wave his crotch against her face, taking her stiff hands and putting them over his glistening pecs and bare ass. Obviously, she'd been content to look, but had no desire to touch! And the dancer was relentless, grabbing her by the waist and doing some kind of slithery dancing move up and down the front of her body while she unsuccessfully tried to shimmy free, but to no avail. It was like dancing with an eel. She looked desperately at her friends for rescue.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Maya asked awkwardly, noting the "help me!" Maggey was mouthing at them but not knowing what to do.

"I dunno, she did say 'come to Mama'…" Adrian shrugged helplessly. "Maybe he heard her?"

"Well, regardless, if she isn't keen, she shouldn't have to be bullied by some filthy brute!" Franziska declared in annoyance. "Besides, she's a respectable married woman! Hey!" She shouted as loudly as she could over the loud music. "Hey, Zorro! _Alto! Déjala! ¡Ándale! Ella es una mujer_ _casada_!"

Zorro looked at Franziska, now standing up at their table with her hands on her hips, a frown of disapproval on her face, then shrugged and went back to grinding on Maggey, who was looking absolutely overwhelmed and trapped.

"I don't think he cares she's a married woman, Franziska," Ema noted. "And he seems to have no intention of stopping!"

Zorro grabbed Maggey's resisting hand and placed it on his bulging arousal, ignoring her yelp of indignation.

That did it!

"Well, it's obvious she's not interested and the fool insists in hanging around like a bad smell! He must learn some manners!" Franziska yelled, and raced up to the bachelorette table next to theirs, grabbing the giant, inflatable penis they had in the corner. Without preamble, she picked it up like a baseball bat and commenced hitting Zorro over the head with it!

" _Ay Caramba_!" Zorro yelled, loosening his grip on Maggey and putting his hands protectively over his head. " _Gringa loca!_ "

"Good Lord, what was in that last drink she had?" Maya's eyes were wide with shock…and a hint of admiration.

"I thought I'd ordered her an Angry German!" Ema snorted as Zorro continued to yelp like a wounded Chihuahua. "But maybe it was a _Screaming Nazi_?"

The incensed Franziska was still whacking the dancer about his head and shoulders with the gigantic, phallic shaped object, with poor Zorro all the while squealing: " _señora lo siento! Alto! Por Favor_!"

She wasn't hitting him hard enough to hurt him, obviously - it was, after all, an inflatable penis–but insistently. The look of real fear on Zorro's face as he was running away from her was something the sniggering women would never forget. Even the newly freed Maggey had gotten over her trauma long enough to snap some memorable photos of the dancer fleeing the scene with her cell phone camera!

The crowd was rooting for Franziska. Maybe the patrons thought it was part of the act, or perhaps were too drunk to care, or just had a thing for improv slapstick feminist comedy, but they burst into loud applause when the panting German woman at last ceased with the novelty item, tossed it back to the bridesmaids at the next table, and took a bow.

Eager to move on, the MC announced the next dancer hastily, who was named _Magic Ike_ , and amid the swooning sound of Celine Dion's "The Power of Love," the newest dancer came out.

Franziska spun around to face the stage as she heard her wedding dance song and watched as though mesmerized, as the suave, debonair man in a black tuxedo, white shirt unbuttoned to the navel to show off a sculpted, tanned chest locked eyes with her.

The German woman's eyes blinked rapidly as her appreciative gaze remained transfixed on the dark haired man, whose smoldering eyes and long dark bangs made Maya reminiscent of a younger Miles Edgeworth.

Apparently, she wasn't the only one to think so.

The ladies all watched as Franziska melted into a pile of _quivering, titillated, aroused goo_ right before their eyes.

Magic Ike smiled mysteriously at the striking woman as he leaned down from the stage, still fully dressed, and offered Franziska one white gloved hand. She took it without blinking, as though in a trance, and before Maya, Adrian, Ema and Maggey's stunned eyes, allowed the handsome man to pull her not only on stage, but begin a graceful, spell-binding dance with her. He held her hand in his, a muscled arm around her back, as he fluidly moved into a smooth waltz with her.

Franziska was a flawless dancer, and matched his moves expertly, completely under the spell of her partner. Then, as the music suddenly changed to a faster beat, she matched his lead perfectly as he changed the movements to a tango, spinning her away, then grabbing her whip from its holster and expertly using it to wrap around her and pull her right back into his strong arms! Breathing heavily against her collarbone, the dancer, who appeared to be panting as heavily as the woman he held, bent Franziska backwards into a graceful dip.

Although both man and woman were fully clothed and doing nothing more than dancing, it was the most sensual, erotic performance anyone in that club had seen that night. There wasn't a woman in that club who didn't wish they were in Franziska's place, including each of her friends!

"Damn what I'd give to be Franny right now!" Adrian gaped. "I'm feeling a little jealous of my bestie right now!"

"OK, am I the only one who's kind of jealous of _Miles_?" Maggey breathed. "That woman has moves unlike any I've ever seen!"

The music changed again, and so did the dance. To the loud beats of Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me," Magic Ike effortlessly lifted Franziska up and wrapped her legs around his waist so she was essentially frontal riding him now! She pressed her lithe body against him, before expertly arching herself backwards, hands nearly trailing back behind her on the stage, eyes closed blissfully as he moved rhythmically with her and grazed his nose from her cleavage to the top of her throat.

The picturesque poetry in motion image was shattered in the next moment as the birthday girl suddenly shot herself right back up, locked her legs even tighter around the stripper's waist, and then, the most prudish, moralist, uptight German woman on earth literally belted out a loud, unmistakable, " _Yee-Haw! Give it to Franziska!"_

Maya nearly choked on her drink in shock.

Maggey's jaw fell to the floor.

Adrian smirked and looked over her shoulder at Ema.

"Girl, _please_ tell me you're _getting_ all this delicious future blackmail material?!"

The forensic scientist winked, her hand never once wavering from the video record mode on her iPhone.

"Waaay ahead of you!"

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's:_

 **Chapter 4**

 **SkyiesTheLimit**

So glad you like my somewhat insane humor sweetie! Thank you!

 **Feraligreater328**

So how did Maya do in the necromancing of the dead fiesta bud? Also…enjoy those little angels…they'll be walking and talking and hellraising before you know it! XD

 **Forgreatcoffee**

That's the problem when you play fun daddy and mean mommy – the hell spawns seem to never take them seriously! Although the one named after your kitten is the least of all evils, wouldn't you say?

Well…Ace is only _2_ after all…he probably was trying to potty train himself just used wrong commode and no doubt bidet is easier access… LOL. A for effort?

I'd consider writing a short epilogue tale about these little buggers when they're older if there was enough reader interest….

 **Ilet Moratar**

I learned never to bet against a feisty Latina…if anyone can make blush a man who waves his wang for a living, it would be you mi amiga dolce! I am over the moon that you like your birthday gift and hope to wrap it up this month!

I think if the men are not eating their words yet and appreciating the difficulties of child-rearing as of yet, they will be by next chapter! XD

Gasp! Edgeworth bearing spawn that are not lawyers! Just kill him now! I think teen Mia falling for a musician would be a cakewalk compared to what she could do as a career path instead…being a _prosecutor_! :p Prepare for Phoenix Wright freak out!

 **Yanmegaman**

Alas, punny man, a great vocab doth not maturity make –else Edgy for that alone would be an ace daddy not just attorney! XD

I hope you enjoyed the additional details of the Twisted Samurai Sexcapades!

You want me to add the Golden Globes to all the debauchery? LOL

I dunno if the famed Fey twins could have been so readily un-handed if a stripper had had his greasy paws on them instead of Maggey's more modest set! Franziska would have needed more than a blow up phallus to beat him off methinks!

I'm not going to lie- while I do angst better than comedy – I am no comic genius – I won't lie, taking a break from the more somber TE for this was a blast!

 **Chapter 1**

 **Ariastella**

An hour with these hellion house apes can feel like a year when the Mister Moms are inexperienced Idiot Attorneys!


	6. Watergate Two Point Oh

_A/N:_ _I wanted to keep the chapters to this silly little fluffy comedy short and sweet, but the end is near!_ _  
_

* * *

 ** _Chapter Six: Watergate 2.0_**

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

" _Wright_!" Edgeworth thundered, famous courtroom finger fully extended so that it was nearly poking Phoenix in the nose. "I _demand_ an answer to my question, this _instant_!"

Phoenix gave his friend a sickly grin, and assumed his most innocuous expression. Had he not been holding Ace in his arms at that moment as a human shield against his friend's wrath, he would've been scratching the back of his neck to further exemplify the perfect picture of innocent obtuseness personified.

"Err… I'm guessing you would like explanation for the _brown paint_ on your walls?" He asked feebly.

"I would _also_ like to know why my bathroom is now a _wading_ pool!" Edgeworth's face was identical in shade to his suit, such was his rage. "And your imbecilic self seems to be dodging the $64,000 question, which was, and I _pray_ you will tell me that my eyes are deceiving me: Did your son _take a deuce_ in my bidet?!"

The defense attorney forced himself to smile weakly, even as he withered underneath the Chief Prosecutor's ferocious glare.

"Um, yeah, about that…" Phoenix cleared his throat nervously. "Ah, you see, Edgy, Maya and I have been working on potty training Ace for the longest time now. And, er, I guess the toilet was too high for him to reach, plus it may have been a trifle unusable seeing as how he _did_ ... _kind of_ fill it with toilet paper. And then, um, _flushed_. Which is the reason the floors are _a wee bit wet_ right now…"

Edgeworth's incensed eyes were nearly bulging out of his sockets. Phoenix had never seen his normally composed friend so unraveled.

"You call _this_ …a _wee bit wet_?!" He gestured to the ankle deep water on the bathroom floor, which Ace had been wading in. "Clearly, your asinine simian countenance alludes that this fetid stench has _annulled_ the anthropoid ape species diversity, if you _genuinely believe_ those are the words that best suitably describe this _catastrophic disarray of monumental proportions,_ which is now my facilities!"

"Hey! _I'm_ not the one who did this! _Must_ you be so _gosh darn mean_?" Phoenix flushed at the insult and scowled at his friend. "Look I'm sorry, but you got here faster than I thought you would! I'd sent Mia out to the kitchen to get me a mop and then get me some towels…" Suddenly a panicked look came into his eye. "Oh my God, she's been gone a while now! I need to go check on her!"

"Oh no, you don't! I don't think so! There is _no_ way you're going to get out of this one _that_ easily Wright!" Edgeworth bellowed. He clamped a firm hand on Phoenix's shoulder as he made a move to dodge by and rush out the door, Ace already tucked under his arm like a football. " _What_ do you plan on doing about _this_ predicament, Wright? I'll be lucky _Watergate_ 2.0 hasn't already leaked downstairs through the neighbor's ceiling!"

"Send me the plumbing bill later, Edgeworth!" Phoenix shoved past him and was already booking it down the hall. "I need to check on my little girl!"

"Fine, but _this time,_ I shall come with you! I am _sick and tired_ of you leaving me to fend for myself while _you_ play this cockamamie game of hide and go seek with your children!"

Edgeworth followed the defense attorney in hot pursuit towards the kitchen, just as they heard the four-year-old's tiny voice call out helplessly to them.

"Daddy! Uncle Miles! Help! I'm _stuck_!"

Phoenix's jaw hit the ground as he found his daughter exactly where he'd asked her to be; standing in front of the utility closet in the Edgeworth's kitchen. She smiled in relief when she saw him and then gestured to the floor by her stockinged feet, which were surrounded by a clumpy stickiness of sorts, along with a mysterious fine white dust?!

"Hi, Daddy." Mia smiled sheepishly through the white power that was still on her face, which unless Phoenix's panicked eyes were deceiving him, now looked even _whiter_ somehow?! "Um…could I get a little help here, please?"

In shock, Phoenix set down Ace onto the ground with a plunk, and clapped a hand against his forehead – yet again forgetting his self-inflicted remote injury – and winced in pain momentarily, before his face morphed into one of pure dismay.

Edgeworth looked completely aghast as he took in the enigmatic _glue substance_ which seem to cover a good chunk of the oak wood kitchen tiles. Ankle deep in the muck was his best friend's daughter, who up until that point, had been _the sole child_ that night who hadn't been guilty of causing any sort of naughty mischief!

"Mia, what in God's name happened here?" The prodigal prosecutor croaked, his puce face now completely ashen.

"Princess…" Phoenix gulped as he gawked at his daughter's feet, which seemed to be _cemented_ to the ground. "I remember I asked you to try to get me the mop so I could cleanup Uncle Miles' bathroom…"

"And that's just what I tried to _do_ Daddy!" Mia's amber eyes were wide with sincerity as she nodded her head vigorously. "The thing is, the mop was wedged into that little pantry closet off to the side by the fridge, and it was jammed next this heavy plastic bin, with this white powdery stuff inside of it. So when I tried to yank the mop, the container fell over and a lot of the stuff fell to the floor, and onto _me_! Well, I didn't want to make _another_ mess on top of the one Ace made in the bathroom already…after all, you always say we should try to clean up after our own messes, don't you Daddy?"

Phoenix gave a strained smile and focused all his attention on his daughter, while trying to ignore the death glare Mia's last statement earned him from Edgeworth.

"OK, go on, Mia…"

"So anyway, I got on the stepladder that Uncle Miles keeps off to side..."

Phoenix coughed. "I think you mean step _stool_ , not ladder, honey."

"Seriously, Wright?" Edgeworth's glare in his direction intensified a ten-fold. "NOW of all times?!"

"Reflex action." Phoenix reddened. "My bad."

" _Hello_!" Mia waved her hands to get their attention again. "Can I please get back to my story?!"

"Sorry." The two men muttered sheepishly.

"Well, anyway, I grabbed the nozzle hose thing next to the kitchen sink faucet, dragged it over, and shot some water onto the floor, and then I tried to mop it up. But the stuff just kept _getting stickier and harder_ the more water I put on it… And then… the mop got stuck in it! As I stepped on it, my feet got glued down and I've been stuck here waiting for someone to come find me ever since… "

Edgeworth looked over at the spilled contents and then at the tipped over bin on the floor and groaned.

"She knocked over the flour bin!" He yanked at his hair. "Hendricks made black forest cake for dessert tonight, and then was probably in a haste to hurry up and give us our privacy, so he just stuck the mop there temporarily, because that's not normally where it goes…"

"And it seems that flour and water turn into a _heavy glue substance_ when mixed together in copious amounts," Phoenix finished, as understanding dawned upon him. "Ugh, it all sounds like a bad chemistry lab experiment going _boink_!"

"Yes, whoever would have known that _adding liquids_ to _powder_ could make a sticky mess?" Sarcasm was positively dripping off Edgeworth's tongue as he glowered at his courtroom rival. "It absolutely _tugs at my heartstrings,_ Wright, that you and your offspring are getting an _educational lesson in science_ , while my house gets destroyed piece by piece!"

"I'm so sorry, Uncle Miles!" Mia wailed. Her lower lip trembled. "I was only trying to help Daddy!"

"You _crotchety, cantankerous,_ _ **curmudgeon**_!" Now it was Phoenix's turn to do the glaring. "I cannot _believe_ you, Edgeworth! It's one thing when you're mean and nasty to _me;_ I'm a big boy and _I_ can handle that forked tongue of yours, which could open a corked wine bottle! But are you _seriously_ giving _H –E –Double Hockey Sticks_ to a _four-year-old_ right now, you...God-awful _brute_?!"

Edgeworth had the decency to look shamefaced at the reprimand, and looked away guiltily, as he was so rarely on the _receiving_ end of them!

"You're absolutely right, Wright," he mumbled shoving his hands into his pockets. "Mia please pardon me. I am not angry with you…I -I am just frustrated with the situation. I know you meant no harm."

Eager to make amends, Edgeworth walked over to his goddaughter and swiftly lifted the sniffling child off the floor, but found that her stockings were not parting ways with her! They remained firmly cemented to the ground, even as he struggled to pull harder to free her. However, while Mia's tights stretched like gooey cheese strings on a pizza, they still refused to unstick from the tiles!

"Oh dear," he mumbled, setting Mia back down and looking over at Phoenix with a troubled expression. "She really _is_ stuck, Wright!"

" _That's_ what I've been trying to _tell_ you, Uncle Miles!" Mia sounded way more exasperated than any four-year-old should ever be allowed to be. "I _tried_ to yank my feet free but didn't want to rip and ruin my tights, because Daddy says _everything costs money_!"

 _Of all the times for her to start quoting me and listening to me, she just had to choose now…_

Phoenix sighed and walked over to his daughter.

"I hope your mother didn't spend a lot of money on these things," he muttered. "I don't think I can save them, Mia." He pointed to the string mop, which was pasted upright in the gunk. "I think these tights are as much a goner as that mop over there." As he busied himself lifting up Mia's skirt and then unrolling the stockings from the waist down, he looked over at Edgeworth with a concerned frown.

"Apologies, Edgeworth, amidst this latest calamity, I only just _now_ noticed that we seem to be down two…no… _three_ kids… Good Lord where are _yours_?" Phoenix exclaimed, as he at last successfully rolled down his daughter's leg covers and lifted her off the floor. The end result was Mia finally becoming freed, but her tights were left behind as a casualty on the glue-ridden tiles. "Oh no, where's _Ace_?!"

"I left the twins in Mila's room and told them to try to clean up that mess in there before I came to find you," Edgeworth replied, looking very apprehensive all of a sudden. "However, they've been _way too quiet_ for my comfort ever since, which can _never_ be a good thing, especially since your son seems to be running amok yet again!"

"I only put him down a few minutes ago, so he can't have gone _too_ far or done anything _too_ bad _already_!" Phoenix panted as he raced on the hall after his friend towards the bedroom, Mia in tow.

Edgeworth shot a disgruntled look over his shoulder as he flung open Mila's door.

"Your obtuseness never ceases to amaze me! How is it you're _still_ underestimating your son, Wright? Need I remind you that he turned our bathroom into Niagara Falls, after being out of your sight _for less than five minutes?!"_

Phoenix didn't even bother replying to that statement, as he Mia and Edgeworth now took in the latest sight before them.

Sitting on the floor, red-faced and sheepish looking, were Mila and Gregory, angelic smiles on both their faces as they looked up at their father.

"Hi Daddy," they chorused in unison.

Edgeworth looked around the room. While nothing had really been cleared, no further damage had occurred since he'd left. Of course, the mystery of _why_ the twins had been unable to do any cleaning was answered as his horrified eyes cast a downward glance.

Mila's right ankle was handcuffed to her brother's left ankle! With what appeared to be _real handcuffs!_

"Mila! Gregory! _What have you done_?" Edgeworth cried in disbelief.

Mila glared at her brother. "Ask _fart-face dummkopf_ over here! It was _his_ idea!"

" _Objection_!" Gregory shrieked. "We still wouldn't be like this if we had the keys!"

Phoenix was almost afraid to ask.

" _Objection_! We wouldn't be in the situation _in the first place_ if _you_ hadn't decided to try to play Houdini with the handcuffs! So _take that!"_

" _Objection! Hold_ _it!_ " Mia cried, holding up her little hands in a T-formation like a referee calling timeout. "As Daddy would say, we can play the blame game later. That's _not_ what's important right now!"

"Thank you, Mia!" Phoenix swallowed back an amused chuckle, then turned back to the twins. "Are you telling me that you two _don't have the key_? I'm not sure I even _want to know_ how you two even got your hands on a pair of those very _real-looking_ handcuffs…so instead, I'll inquire: _how on earth_ did you two _lose the keys_?"

Gregory looked at the ground.

"Well I hate to be a tattletale, Uncle Phoenix…"

"Oh shut up and stop lying!" Mila fumed, crossing her arms across her chest and scowling at her twin. "You _know_ you _love it_ , you _lying, crybaby snitch!"_

"Okay _fine,_ poo face!" The little boy glowered at his sister. " _Make_ me rat on our cousin then, why don't you?" He swung his guilty eyes at Phoenix. "Um, _Ace_ took off with the keys, Uncle Phoenix."

" _Why_ doesn't that surprise me?" Edgeworth eyed Phoenix stonily. "Are you _sure_ your son wasn't born with a pointed tail, Wright? Do those spikes of his _mask_ the hidden horns on his head?"

"Save the finger-pointing and sanctimonious act already, Edgeworth!" Phoenix snapped. "I'm sorry Ace is so _devilish_ compared to _your_ oh-so-angelic children by comparison, who have been such _better examples_ of model good behavior! I noticed that it has already conveniently escaped your memory that _your_ offspring have managed to not only get their hands on sharp objects this evening, but now _adults handcuffs_ as well! Forget asking the twins, shouldn't I be asking _you_ how they got their hands on _those,_ Edgeworth?!"

Edgeworth's face reddened at the rebuttal, although this time it appeared to be more from embarrassment than anger.

"I'm going to go try to find the keys. You and Mila try to find Ace," he said abruptly. "For once, I can leave Trouble 1 and Trouble 2 alone without worry, because I know they can't do a whole lot in their current state!" With that, he bolted out the door.

"Uncle Phoenix?" Gregory mumbled uncomfortably, looking up at his godfather with a pained expression.

"Yes, Gregory?" Phoenix asked tiredly.

The little boy smiled awkwardly.

"Um… I need to go to the bathroom."

Phoenix groaned inwardly.

 _Of course you do…_

" _Eweth_!" Mila exclaimed, wrinkling her little nose distastefully. "I don't want to be there and have to watch my brother _tinkle_!"

"As it stands right now, I can't see how you have much of a choice!" Phoenix replied firmly. "You'll just have to close your eyes and not look! I'll take you; don't try to walk… the last thing I need is the two of you falling on your faces!"

"We tried," Gregory admitted, gesturing to the red rug burn mark on his bare knee. "It didn't go so well. My sister and I will _not_ be doing any three-legged races anytime soon!"

Phoenix sighed soundlessly as he scooped up the twins in his arms and carried them towards the master bedroom, as the bathroom there was still untainted, as far as he knew!

He looked back at his barefoot daughter over his shoulder.

"Princess, can I please assign you the task of trying to find your brother?"

"OK, Daddy!" Mia affirmed and then raced out of the room.

Phoenix deposited the twins into the master bathroom right in front of the toilet and closed the door partially to give them some privacy, instructing Gregory to call for him or their father whenever he was finished. He walked back into the bedroom to find Edgeworth frantically rummaging through his night table drawer.

"They've _got_ to be here!" He grumbled to himself as he rummaged through the contents. "Dammit, the keys really are _missing_!"

"How can you tell in that jumbled mess?" Phoenix peeked over his friend's shoulder… and then immediately wished he hadn't.

 _Batteries, lube, a few vibrators…OK standard stuff for Mr. Chief Prostitutor…Good grief…a ball gag?! Nipple clamps?! Restraint system?! However and wherever do they fit that toadstool sized – oh damn, is that a butt plug?! ?! Gah! And that's_ _ **a strap-on**_ _?! OK I am_ _ **officially scarred for life now**_ _…_

Edgeworth shot up then, blushing furiously, and slammed the damning evidence drawer shut. His eyes were wild.

"Wright!" He cried, looking panicked. "Not only are the keys not in here...there's _other items that are missing_ as well!"

"Oh man, however can you tell?" Phoenix asked, trying to keep his tone neutral so that his friend would never know that he had unwittingly peeked into his Little Shop of Horrors. He was also trying to squelch the harrowing images in his mind of his innocent baby boy running around with some crazy, _magenta colored,_ spiky, double-headed instrument for God only knew _what_ – or _whose_! – bodily orifices!

"I just _can_! I know these contents like the back of my hand…"

"Oh no! Ace! _Stop_!"

Both men started and looked at each other with identical expressions of panic at Mia's sudden cry.

" _Ack_! _Ace_! What are you _doing?_!" Mia's startled shriek was even louder this time.

"To the kitchen!" The fathers shouted in unison, and ran out the door.

The lawyers skidded to a halt and immediately realized the cause of the little girl's distressed cries.

Standing there over the mess of glue, staring at an empty bottle on the floor, stood Mia, eyes round with horror and a hand clapped against her little mouth. Before her stood Ace, still naked waist down, with his dark hair looking _strangely wet and greasy,_ while feathers rained all around him, and fell to the floor!

Before his son could claim he too, was stuck, Phoenix hurriedly raced over and scooped up the little troublemaker in his arms. As he did, a _strangely syrupy and fruity_ scent from the floor assaulted his nostrils.

" _Ace_!" Phoenix moaned, looking down at his son, who emanated the same sickly sweet, pungent odor, for some reason! " _What_ have you done _now_?!"

Edgeworth rushed over and looked down at the black discarded bottle on the ground, which was labeled as _divine nectar raspberry lime body glide._ A nearly plucked feathered contraption, with a leather handle, was stuck beside the mop on the floor, next to a whole bunch of _scattered white feathers_. It looked like a _barnyard of chickens_ had been mottled and de-feathered!

"I helping clean, Daddy!" Ace squealed, pointing at the bottle and smiling proudly. But then, as he noticed both Phoenix and Edgeworth's somber expressions, the toddler suddenly looked worried.

" _Not soap_?" He asked hesitantly.

Phoenix shook his head solemnly.

Ace pointed to the feathered handle contraption and then looked at Edgeworth, with his lower lip quivering.

" _Not mop_?"

Edgeworth swallowed heavily, looking somewhat nauseous and incapable of speech, but he somehow managed to shake his head in response to his godson's question.

"What _I_ want to know," Mia piped up in the background. "Is _how_ he got that oily stuff in his hair?! Ace were you trying to _clean the floor_ with your _spikes_!?"

Ace looked sadly at the additional mess he had created and pointed to his hair, which was glistening with the fragrant oil, then looked at first his sister, then father and uncle with earnest navy eyes.

"I open cap and _not soap_ go _sploosh_!"

 _Well,_ _ **that**_ _mystery at least, has been explained!_ Phoenix thought wryly. _My walking disaster but well-intentioned son tried to remove the cap to this_ _ **hedonist, odorous, body lube,**_ _which he mistook for soap, to try to help clean up this mess. In doing so, some of it exploded onto his hair,_ _ **and face and clothes**_ _from the looks of it! Then, I'm guessing, he thought he'd use this_ _ **weird looking**_ _…_ _ **feathery thingie**_ _to try to 'mop up' things, only to_ _ **make it worse**_ _! Some mysteries are best left unsolved…I'm_ _ **perfectly alright**_ _with not asking exactly what that_ _ **not mop**_ _Ace undoubtedly found in Edgy's fun time drawer_ _ **actually was**_ _…I already need some sort of_ _ **brain bleach**_ _because of what I already_ _ **did**_ _see in there!_

As much as the explanation was satisfactory for Phoenix, Edgeworth looked like he didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Wright!" He groaned, dragging a hand down his face. "What in the name of God am I going to do about this state of emergency disaster area that has become my house?!"

Phoenix looked at him helplessly.

"I don't suppose this qualifies as enough of a catastrophe to call the National Guard?" He asked hopefully.

Edgeworth's eyes suddenly brightened.

"No, it probably does not," he answered slowly. "However I _just_ might have access to the cavalry we need in order to potentially save us from this situation, without being _tarred and feathered_ , or winding up in court, as divorce defendants!"

 _That would be a best-case scenario_ , Phoenix thought dryly. _If our wives ever got wind of this, being tarred and feathered would be_ _ **merciful**_ _!_ _He's conveniently forgotten the very high possibility of us appearing in court_ _ **posthumously,**_ _as assault, battery, or homicide victims, and not even necessarily in that order!_

Edgeworth was suddenly in take-charge mode.

"Wright, go get the twins and set them down on the couch along with Mia and Ace," he instructed. "I want to make sure all four children are within our sights, and then I will call in the reinforcements!"

"Roger that!" Phoenix grinned and gave his friend a mock salute before rushing down the hallway into the bathroom, where both twins were patiently sitting on the floor, which was where he had last left them.

"Come on kids!" He announced, scooping them up into his arms. "We're going to the living room!"

"Thank heavens you're back, Uncle Phoenix!" Mila exclaimed. "We thought you'd forgotten about us!"

"Yeah, thanks Uncle Phoenix," Gregory smiled with relief, and then let out a little sneeze. "That bathroom tile was getting _really_ cold on my heinie!"

Phoenix looked down at his partially shorn godson, and realized that the poor kid, whose bare glistening upper body was as oily as Ace's hair, was still wearing nothing but his _underwear_!

 _Great, the last thing I need is him catching a cold on top of everything else! However, because they're handcuffed at the ankle, I can't put a pair of pants on him! Looks like I have to get creative…_

Five minutes later, Phoenix returned to the living room with a scowling Mila and embarrassed looking Gregory in his arms and plopped them down on the sofa next to Ace, who was under strict watch by Edgeworth, and Mia.

The prosecutor, who was on the phone at the time, did a double take at the sight of his son.

"Wright, _why_ in the name of all that is holy is my son wearing his sister's best Sunday church dress?"

"I _told_ you I look like a big sissy in pink, Uncle Phoenix!" Gregory sulked.

Edgeworth paused his phone conversation long enough to frown at his son.

"Gregory that dress is not _pink,_ it's _magenta_!"

" _Really_ , Edgeworth?" Phoenix stared at his friend incredulously. " _Now_ of all times?!"

Edgeworth's cheeks turned the color of the dress and he grinned ruefully.

"Er, you're right, Wright. Reflex action. Anyhow, I'm on the phone..."

"It's my _favorite_ dress too, Daddy!" Mila scowled, folding her arms across her chest. "I _tried_ to tell Uncle Phoenix that, but he didn't care!"

His brow furrowing, Edgeworth turned his back to them then and tried to resume his call, sounding agitated beyond recognition as he relayed the situation to the other party, and waved a hand at them to pipe down over his shoulder.

"OK guys, let's take it down a notch, your Daddy is on the phone. Now, Mila, again, I'm really sorry, but I didn't really have time to rummage through your clothes for you to find the _least desirable attire_ in your wardrobe to lend your twin in this case emergency!" Phoenix was exasperated. "Your poor brother was shivering! Would you rather he catch his death with a cold, if I had let him just stay in his underwear?!"

Mila actually seemed to be seriously contemplating this question as she scrunched up her face and appeared to be in deep thought.

"I _guess_ not," she pouted. "But it _still_ would have _served him right_! Can I just go on record and state, for the hundredth time, that _everything_ tonight was my _booger-brained_ brother's fault?"

"Yes please come posthaste," Edgeworth was saying into his cell now. "And do make sure you bring the items I advised. We'll see you soon."

Hanging up the phone, he turned to look at the twins with a raised eyebrow.

"What's that I heard, Mila? Are you lot _finally_ ready to tell us what _really_ happened tonight?"

Gregory folded his arms across his chest.

"What _I_ was about to tell you, Daddy, is that _your daughter_ is the most dirty, rotten liar since _Pinocchio_ for trying to blame this whole thing on me…"

"I am _not_ lying, you _weeweehead_!" Mila shouted.

"Oh _please you big fat fibber_!" Gregory glared at his twin. "I can't believe _your nose hasn't grown leaves yet_!"

Suddenly Phoenix's phone went off, and both lawyers stiffened at the familiar sound of the _Steel Samurai_ ringtone.

"Hold that thought, guys!" Now it was Phoenix's turn to hold up his hand as he hastily answered the cell, assuming it was Maya checking up on them.

Taking took a deep breath, the defense attorney affected his most calm tone, despite the wild hammering of his heart.

"H-hello?"

* * *

 ** _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_**

 **dsceptor27**

I have no idea how you manage to write a review that was even funnier than my story! Lol

gorilla glue your ass back! OMG the imagery this brought to my mind you have no idea!

I will do my reply all on next chapter publicly but about gummy...the laughing farty pants…aka...SHITS and GIGGLES get it?

 **Feraligreater328**

Franny can't hunt them down if she can't FIND THEM!LOL

So she may join her hubby in YouTube hall of fame! Is that really so bad? XD

 **Ilet Moratar**

I think your sexy Latina self doing belly dancing would be hotter than anything on that stage …and may set of the smoke alarms Amiga! Also, I'm thinking Franziska would need to use that penis shaped blowup to beat the men off in your case as well!;)

I figure with all the time Franny has spent traveling and also living in Europe she may have ventured in Spain a few times I mean she's Miss perfect fun, I'll think it's so far-fetched that she would dabble in a few other languages! The way I look at it is Franny and Miles can be YouTube celebrities! Couples but get _shamed_ together in online infamy _stay_ together right?

 **Forgreatcoffee**

I truly think being a hung like a horse would be a case of let's be friends for me… Seabiscuit yeah too much of a good thing ow! LOL

Yeah next time Maggey goes back to the workforce can put ability to be holding her breath longer the most scuba divers on her resume! XD

As they got out of this by eating a helping dose of humble berry pie the lesson here is Phoenix shut the hell up you foolish fool!

 **Yanmegaman**

Punny man your written wit kills me so if I have inspired you to go do more funny I'm a very happy woman!

This is so funny - thanks to you now I too am picturing Jake Marshall having a hat like those little Matryoshka nesting Russian dolls! XD

Why do I keep thinking Mia and Diego's sexcapades would somehow involve coffee now that you mention dribbling?!

While Adrian to declare herself the new Jenna Jamison since the twisted samurai is way more twisted than you could ever thought…

 **Chapter 3**

 **Luffy**

Mi hermana Maya,

It's the Ace Attorney Game Show called _Who Wants to Be a Prostitutor_!

Well it really shouldn't be too shocking to any offsprings of Maya Fey and Franziska von Karma would be los diablos! XD

That's right I'm blaming the women! LOL

I am so happy to have made you laugh your emails and had me in stitches! Speaking of which I hope to hear from you again soon!

I wonder how badly Edgeworth would've busted Nick's balls if he had actually said _I want my Maya_ out loud! :p

 **Chapter 2**

 **Luffy**

Darling girl, if there is one thing I have learned in my life that men are dumb… disclaimer… in fanfiction – not in real life! XD (I do not want to offend my male readers who I adore very much!) LOL

I hope you had a chance to continue with the story so you could see the ultimate height of debauchery! I had so much fun writing the story for your mom and I will be so sad it's over but hopefully will still get your feedback on turnabout everlasting which God willing, will be finished before the new game comes out!

Kisses back!


	7. A Time to Kill

_The mystery caller is revealed! Did any of you try to guess? How many got it Wright?_

* * *

 **Chapter Seven:** **A Time to Kill**

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

There was a hushed silence from Edgeworth and the children as five sets of anxious eyes fixated on the defense attorney, whose fingers were trembling as he held the cell phone to his ear.

"H-hello?" He swallowed hard and tried to keep his voice steady, even as he felt beads of sweat forming by his temples.

"Hey, Mr. Wright! How's it going? Are you and Mr. Edgeworth watching that John Grisham movie _A Time to Kill_? It's on TV tonight!"

 _A Time to Kill? Otherwise known as_ _ **anytime**_ _should our wives ever find out about the series of unfortunate events that transpired tonight?!_

" _A-Apollo_?" Phoenix's knees literally sagged beneath him, such was the weight of his respite, as he flopped down on the sofa between the twins and Ace as limply as a rag doll. The sound of his subordinate's voice on the other end of the line, instead of the anticipated suspicious and disapproving one of his wife, made him feel as if he'd just gotten the world's biggest reprieve!

Around him, Edgeworth and the children gave a collective sigh of relief as well.

"Yeah, Mr. Wright, don't you remember?" Apollo sounded surprised. "Earlier today at the office, you said that since your wives were going out, you and Mr. Edgeworth would babysitting tonight at his place and would shuffle the kids off to bed early and that afterwards, your game plan was to relax and check out that movie. I said I'd do the same, and we were going to compare notes at work, and laugh our butts off at all the dumb Hollywood courtroom and legal inaccuracies in it!"

 _Take it easy_? Phoenix rubbed his aching forehead with his free hand. _Did I actually_ _ **say**_ _that? Moreover did I seriously_ _ **believe**_ _that?! How_ _ **foolish and naïve**_ _could I have possibly been back then… even though this was only_ _ **14 hours ago**_ _?! What_ _ **possessed me**_ _to ever think that looking after kids was going to be relaxing?!_

Phoenix cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck.

"Oh yeah, I guess I _did_ say that, didn't I?" He mumbled, feeling a blush crawling up his cheeks. "Is that what you and Athena are doing right now?"

"Well, Athena's upstairs putting Dion to bed," Apollo explained. "But that was _my_ game plan for the rest of the evening, unless of course…" There was a smirk in his voice with his next innuendo sentence. "My lovely wife has _better and more creative_ ideas for what we can do the rest of the night..."

The meaning of the subtle as a Mack truck words were not lost on Phoenix, who suddenly felt ridiculously envious of his employee for getting the chance to kick back and idly watch television, as _his_ young son was only a young infant, and therefore still incapable of walking and talking!

"Yeah well appreciate _that_ while it lasts," he muttered darkly. "If you've never taken my advice before, Apollo heed my words _now_ as your older and wiser boss OK? Enjoy what time you have now to relax and be with your wife while Dion is still a baby! And if you _really_ know what's good for you… You'll stop at just _one_!"

"But I'd love to have another one! I really enjoy being a father!" Apollo protested. "By the time I get home from work, it's just in time for me to give my son his dinner. I love feeding him – he's starting to be on solid foods now and isn't just solely _on tap_ anymore – and then he just goes to sleep shortly afterwards, and I get to enjoy the rest of the evening with my wife! So, what is there not to love about being a parent to such a sweet baby? And you have to admit, little Dion is cuter than most!"

 _Would it be really mean to tell him that's probably because Dion's looks took after his mother's, ergo they got_ _ **lucky**_ _with this one?_ Phoenix thought grumpily.

"You'll see what I mean once the little guy is running around and talking," he advised with a knowing grin, just as he suddenly heard Athena's voice in the background.

"I'm _still_ recovering from spending _20 hours_ in labor and being ripped from _stem to stern_ , getting _your spiky haired, big headed_ baby out of me, and you're _already_ talking about another one?!" Athena exclaimed in disbelief. "Do _I_ get any say in this at all?! And you think just because Dionysus is worn out and ready for bed by the time _you_ come home, that that's _all_ there is to being a parent?! _You're_ not the one who has to keep an eye on him _all day_ and clean up every time he spits up and pees, Apollo! Being a stay-at-home mom is _a lot harder_ than you think, Buster!"

 _Ain't that the truth!_ Phoenix silently agreed. _Tonight was obviously me and Edgeworth's_ _ **karmic retribution**_ _for ever_ _ **thinking**_ _, never mind_ _ **saying**_ _, otherwise!_

"B-but…" Apollo stammered, frantically trying to placate his wife. "I- I didn't mean it like that, Athena! _Ow_! Why'd you have to hit me!?"

"Because you just _don't get it_!"

"Tiger, I'm _sorry_!"

"After getting _sore and chapped_ nipples from feeding that greedy little guy _every day for the past six months_ , who, by the way, has got an even more insatiable appetite for my breasts _than his father_ ever did, including off and on _all day today_ , I am _not_ spending the rest of my evening watching anything _even remotely lawyer_ related!" Athena asserted. "For _once_ , we are gonna do something that _I_ want to do! And _pour_ _votre information_ , I am absolutely exhausted, so don't even _think_ about any of this evening's activities _in any way_ including the unzipping of your pants!"

" _Athena_!" Apollo whined plaintively. " _Mr. Wright's_ on the phone!"

"Yeah well he's got kids, and I'm sure he's done _the same thing we did_ to wind up with them!" The yellow attorney giggled shamelessly. "Now put it on the Women's Network! There is a commercial-free _50 Shades of Grey_ trilogy marathon that I'm dying to check out!"

Apollo barely stifled a whimper in response.

"I'm going to make some popcorn!" Athena announced cheerfully. "It starts in five minutes! Tell Boss and Mr. Edgeworth I said hi!"

"Of course, you're entitled to do whatever you want Tiger…" The red attorney stammered, frantically groping for a way out of this _unanticipated fresh hell_! "Er, I'm just going to step out for a bit…I um, need to deliver some legal files over to Mr. Edgeworth's that Mr. Wright asked me for – _just now_!"

"No _I did not_!" Phoenix chuckled ruthlessly. "I _refuse_ to be your alibi if it means partaking in any sort of dishonesty, especially regarding your wife _and_ my fellow employee, Mr. Justice! Shame on you!" He barely suppressed another snicker at his end as he pictured the red attorney's radio antenna horns drooping like fallen rabbit ears in defeat.

Apollo's voice dropped a notch to a frantic whisper.

"Come on, Mr. Wright! You _heard_ what _cruel and unusual punishment_ she's got planned for me! You've _got_ to help me out!" Apollo begged. "I will do _anything_ you want! I'll even clean the toilets, _until they sparkle,_ just like those lame ass _Twilight_ vampires _, every single day_ , for a _month_!"

"Sorry, I can't be your get out jail card, Apollo, but Mr. Edgeworth and I have our hands full tonight as it is! Besides, this will build character! You know what they say, couples that _suffer_ together, _stay_ together!"

Phoenix rung off then before the young man could make another desperate plea, and was still laughing to himself, however heartless it may have been, that his employee would have preferred to deal with _30 Days of Shit_ rather than _50 Shades of Grey!_

He sobered then as he looked at Edgeworth and the kids, immediately reminded that his current plight was _no laughing matter_!

"That was Apollo and Athena," Phoenix told them, fighting to erase all harboring traces of mirth from his face. "The newlyweds say hi."

"That was a rather _lengthy_ hello," Edgeworth commented with a knowing grin, giving full indication that he had overheard the majority of the conversation.

"What can I say? My employees are chatter boxes!" The blue attorney smirked right back.

Just then, there was a knock at the door to the condominium and the sound of jingling keys.

The look of relief that flashed across the chief prosecutor's pensive face at the sight of the recent arrival was unmistakable.

The cavalry had arrived at last.

The next moment, a tall, barrel chested, broad shouldered man carrying a pair of galoshes in one hand and a toolbox in the other, confidently strode into the living room. Despite his casual attire of faded denim and polo shirt, he carried himself with a dignified air, and turned to Edgeworth with an attentive expression

"I have arrived at your bidding, Master Edgeworth," he announced grandly in his posh British accent, with his customary reserved countenance and decorum, despite being off duty. "How might I be of service?"

"Hiyee, _Hand-Dicks_!" Ace chirped, waving cheerily from the sofa.

There was the mother of all awkward pauses in the living room.

"I'm so sorry…my son's only 2… he can't say _Hendricks_ …" Phoenix muttered, beyond mortified, but the butler waved the apology away with a good-natured smile and turned to his employer.

Edgeworth gulped, obviously uncertain of how to begin.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice Hendricks," he mumbled awkwardly. "I realize that you are indeed off for the evening and apologize for any imposition this may have made on your plans…and assure you of course that you will be consequently compensated for this additional time." He coughed nervously. "Er, you do remember my friend, Phoenix Wright and his children, don't you?"

Hendricks looked at Edgeworth with an uncharacteristic expression of barely restrained amusement as he graciously inclined his head towards Phoenix.

"But of course," he replied politely. "I do say Mr. Wright, you haven't _changed a bit_! It's been _hours."_

The butler's gentle teasing reminder to his flustered employer that he had already been there previously that evening (and served the guests) was not lost on Phoenix, who grinned in response, but Edgeworth just looked at his manservant blankly for a moment, obviously too stressed to have gotten the joke.

"Although, I _do_ notice some changes from the last time I saw _your children_ , Mr. Wright," Hendricks continued, his merriment evident now as his dark mustache twitched to hide a smile. "Now of course, my memory may be fading in my old age, but I could have _sworn_ your lovely daughter did _not_ have _more_ white hair on her head than _I_ did, when I saw her last, and that your mini-me son… appeared to have been _washed and bathed_ and in custody of _trousers_."

Phoenix's cheeks reddened. Aside from Mia's powdery ghostly appearance, he realized that his son's bare bottom on that leather sofa was probably bringing back other memories to the butler which the defense attorney fervently hoped wouldn't be brought up at that particular moment!

 _Dear God please let him have forgotten,_ he prayed. _After all, our use of that couch goes back_ _ **over 10 years**_ _ **ago**_ _now…_

"I see your son is following in his _parental_ footsteps, Mr. Wright, and continuing the grand custom of leaving of his personalized _cheek marks_ on that poor chesterfield," Hendricks derided, his dark eyes twinkling. "Ergo, I foresee my _Wright family traditional scrubbing_ of the _next generation's_ _posterior prints_ from those cushions will be a long-standing practice of mine, which shall need continuance."

Phoenix wished the earth would open up and swallow him at that precise moment! Would he _never_ live down the shame of the time he and Maya had needed to use Edgeworth's condo as their love shack, under the strict watch of Hendricks, the _cock-blocking,_ mercilessly-ribbing _Butler from Brighton_?!

Well, _maybe_ when the manservant passed on.

 _Hmmm… he's in his 60's now after all, although as fit as a fiddle, it appears, along with his_ _ **accursed fool-proof memory**_ _!_

"Yes well, I shall take care of anything Ace happens to, ah, leave behind, so as not further laden your workload, Hendricks," he mumbled, jamming his hands in his pockets. "As luck would have it, my wife left earlier this evening in quite a hurry, and therefore forgot the diaper bag with Ace's extra diapers and clothes, which also had a change of outfit for Mia in it, as well, in the car…"

"Fret not, Mr. Wright, I imagine any _markings_ of your _son's_ , at least, will still take me less than the _previous three months_ to remove!" Hendricks put up a rubber-gloved hand. "Say no more; they often say the truth is stranger than fiction, after all, and I'm only here to _mock_ , not _make judgment_."

The manservant then turned to the twins, his well-groomed brows nearly rising up into his salt-and-pepper hairline at the sight of Gregory's _velvet and lace_ attire.

"Master Gregory," the butler began grandly. "If you do not mind my candor, I must say that particular shade of _dusky rose_ does absolutely nothing for your coloring _at all_."

" _Rose?! See_! I _told_ you this was _pink_ , Daddy!" Gregory pouted. "This color _totally_ makes me look like a _dumb, prissy,_ _ **sissy**_ _girl!"_

"I disagree with that notion entirely! The color pink does _not in the least_ make you look like a sissy girl, Master Gregory," the butler deadpanned. "I believe _that_ would be the entire fault of _the dress_ _itself."_

Mia let out a snigger and quickly clapped her hands over her mouth to stifle it. Phoenix bit his lower lip, _hard_ , to withhold his own. Edgeworth scowled at them both.

Undaunted, Hendricks then shook his head at the sight of Mila's electric blue dye job.

"Miss Mila, I do declare that while your own hairdo is the _lesser_ shocking one between you and your brother's, I do hope this was a _temporary rinse._ I cannot emphasize enough the importance of one's _brightness_ being an exhibited reflection of their _brain_ , _not_ from the _blinding glare_ of their _hair_! However, I suppose we should be _grateful_ that _you_ still have all the strands on _your_ _entire head_. May I please, at this point, attempt to dissuade _either of you_ from attempting to pursue a hairstylist career path?"

Mila simply treated the manservant to a _Miles Edgeworth trademark glare_ and huffily crossed her arms.

Hendricks turned back to Edgeworth.

"Might I suggest _professional services_ to remedy this _hair scare_ , Sir? My areas of expertise include cooking cleaning and minor plumbing issues… however, fixing hairdo blunders _stemmed from the depths of_ _Hades_ is not among them, unfortunately."

Edgeworth cleared his throat and crossed his arms.

"Yes I completely understand Hendricks. If you will follow me to the kitchen…"

The two men left the living room for no more than ten seconds, and the next thing Phoenix knew, Edgeworth was frantically racing after the manservant, who was making rapid, determined strides towards the front door, his chin lifted in the air.

"Hendricks!" Edgeworth yelped, his cool completely unraveled as he gripped the butler's arm. "Where on earth are you going? You haven't even looked at the bathroom yet!"

Hendricks looked at his employer with an expression of barely masked disdain and turned his nose up.

"I have seen _all_ there is to see, Master Edgeworth," he sniffed. "I can _smell_ the evidence of _said_ lavatory from here! You had indicated that the toilet had merely _overflowed_ , and naught else! This overpowering, _fetid_ , _wafting aroma_ , coupled with the _scene straight from Abaddon_ that I have witnessed in your kitchen, is enough for me to enquire if I might use this opportunity to give immediate notice of my _impending early retirement_?"

" _Retiring_?!" The prosecutor cried disbelievingly, his eyes round with shock. "As of _when?"_

"As of…" The butler looked down at his Rolex watch. " _Thirty seconds ago_ , Sir."

"Hendricks, _please_! Have mercy!" Edgeworth was practically wringing his hands. "You can't do this to me! Do you have _any idea_ what Mrs. Von Edgeworth will do to me if she sees the state of this place, after she entrusted me in the care of our children, for _one evening?!"_

"I can only imagine she won't stop at merely killing you swiftly. I fathom the Mistress would whip you into a bloody pulp until there was no more flesh left on your bones, and then use said weapon for purposes of asphyxiation that have nothing to do with the erotic proclivities," Hendricks answered without cracking a smile. "Speaking of which, my gentleman tendencies prevented me from querying how a bottle of _amatory oil_ even made its way out here into the kitchen. However, judging by the scent of Mr. Wright's son over there, I can certainly hazard a guess."

He bowed grandly then.

"I wish you a good night, Master Edgeworth. I must be off. I do believe I have some packing to do this evening. I've heard that Barbados is a beautiful place to visit this time of year…"

" _Ngh_!" Edgeworth raked his hands through his hair and looked at his loyal employee of over 20 years with an imploring expression. "Hendricks, _have a heart_! This is my _marriage_ we're talking about… Not to mention my _mortality_! I – I will _double your salary_!"

The butler paused, one hand on the door handle, and looked at Edgeworth with a raised eyebrow. Then, with a sigh, he put down his toolbox, removed his loafers, and slipped on his rubber boots.

"Perhaps I was too hasty. Allow me to take a look at the collateral damage in the guest facilities." He headed down the hallway, and returned a mere half minute later, wrinkling his nose as he reached for the doorknob again. "Farewell, Master Edgeworth."

" _Hendricks_!" Edgeworth rasped. "I will _triple your salary_ …effective _immediately_!"

The Englishman tilted his head to the side and a small smile played on his lips.

"Perhaps… I can wait until Christmastime to visit the beautiful Caribbean after all," he conceded. Nevertheless, he still reached for the doorknob.

"Hendricks! I thought you had just agreed to help me out, under the stipulation of _tripling your salary_!" Edgeworth's eyes were wild with panic.

"Oh I _did,_ Master Edgeworth." Hendricks smiled reassuringly. "However, I need to go back downstairs to my flat in order to retrieve the _clothes-pin I will need_ for my _nose,_ in order to _stomach_ exorcising the demons from that underworld, which is presently your _loo_!"

"No! If you leave this place, you know that I know that you know that I know you will _never_ _return_!" The prosecutor shook his head frantically and then ran to the kitchen, frenziedly rummaged into a drawer, and came back with a giant yellow plastic item, which said _chip clip_ on the side. "Here, _this_ will suffice!"

"It really should!" Gregory piped up helpfully. "That's what Mommy uses whenever she's gone to the bathroom after Daddy!"

"Can you stop flapping your gums for one minute, you big mouth!" Mila jabbed her brother in the arm. "Hendricks doesn't need to know _everything_ that happens in this house! Besides, Mommy only says Daddy _stinks up this place to high heaven_ whenever he eats Mexican, _not all the time_!"

Phoenix snorted derisively. This time he just couldn't help it!

 _That's one great defense team you got there Edgeworth!_

Edgeworth face turned bright red as he glared at his best friend, and then looked pleadingly at the butler.

"Hendricks, I beseech you, please hurry!"

"Righto, Sir!" The butler obligingly opened the clip, clamped it against his nostrils, grabbed his toolbox, and walked back towards the bathroom with as much dignity as he could muster. "I believe I have a latrine to snake!"

Edgeworth's shoulders sagged in relief as he shuffled himself back towards living room.

"So now we have _that_ situation under somewhat control…" He flopped onto his armchair and looked at the four silent perpetrators, all sitting on the sofa next to Phoenix. "I want to hear, first of all, _how in the name of Go_ d the two of you wound up handcuffed together!"

* * *

 _Flashback 20 minutes ago…_

 _ **Mila Edgeworth and Gregory Edgeworth  
**_ _Mila's Bedroom, Edgeworth Penthouse, Los Angeles_ _ **  
**_

"It's _your_ stupid room," Gregory muttered as he halfheartedly tossed a few stray Lego pieces from the floor back into the plastic bucket. "I don't see why Daddy said that _I_ have to help you clean it up! _You_ never help me clean _mine_!"

"Because, _Streber!"_ Mila snapped. " _You're_ the reason that it's such a mess right now, so shut your blathering pie hole and help me clean already!"

"Don't you call me _Streber,_ _Sie dumm fuhrt!"_ Gregory yelled, stamping his foot. "And you can't tell me to shut up! You're not the boss of me!"

Mila brandished her skipping rope menacingly, looking very much like a miniaturized version of her mother wielding her whip, poised for action.

"If you won't listen to _me_ ," she threatened, narrowing her eyes. "Would you prefer to listen to _this_ instead?"

"If you hit me again with that thing, I'm gonna tell Daddy!"

" _Hiyee_!" Ace singsonged suddenly, running into the room from out of nowhere. A silver set of shiny bracelets dangled from his tiny fingers. " _Lookee_! Magic! Like _Two-see!"_

The twins turned around and realized that the bangles the toddler was holding were actually handcuffs, with two tiny keys, one that was placed in the middle of the lock.

"Hey those are Uncle Gumshoe's, Ace," Mila noted, walking over and taking them from him. She studied them with a puzzled frown. "Where did you find these?"

Ace clapped his hands excitedly and flashed a disarming dimpled smile in lieu of replying.

"Do magic!" He cheeped excitedly. "Do magic like _Two-see!"_

"He's trying to say _Trucy_ ," Gregory said, coming over and taking the cuffs out of his sister's hand.

"I _know_ that! I'm not a _dummkopf_ like you!" Mila glowered at her twin and then looked at Ace while shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Ace. Your big sister is a _professional magician_. As much as we would love to show you her handcuffed magic trick right now, we can't, because _we_ are not magicians."

"Oh _please_!" Gregory scoffed. "We've seen Trucy do that trick a million times on stage! I bet you I could figure out how to do it, _no problem_ – it's super easy!"

"I don't think so, Gregory." Mila shook her head again and looked doubtful. "Trucy has been performing since she was about our age, so _of course_ it looks easy when _she_ does it, but I don't think it really is as simple as you think it is!"

Ace began to whimper, his eyes filling with tears

"Do magic!" He blubbered. "Want magic!"

"Way to go, _you big mean stink face_!" Gregory glared at his sister. "Ace is our cousin, and he's just a baby! Now, _you've_ made him _cry_! Try explaining _that_ to Uncle Phoenix!"

Mila bit her lip and tried to put a consoling hand on the bawling Ace's shoulder, while looking worriedly at her brother.

"Ace stop crying, _please_!" She begged. "I'm going to get in even more trouble if Daddy thinks I'm being mean to you, and Uncle Phoenix will _hate_ me! _Ngh_! Gregory, are you _sure_ you know how to do this?"

"Piece of cake!" Her brother proclaimed confidently and then without warning, slapped the handcuff onto his left ankle and then onto his sister's unsuspecting right one. "See! _Ta-da_!"

Ace immediately stopped crying, as if on command, and beamed happily, jumping up and down jubilantly.

" _Magic_!" He squealed joyously, clapping his hands. Then, without warning, he bent down, grabbed the keys from the lock, and giggled. " _Yay_!"

Unfortunately, Gregory and Mila's attentions were diverted from the mischievous toddler at the moment as the little girl wriggled her ankle, and found the more she moved it, the _tighter_ the cuffs got!

"What do you mean _ta-da_?" A concerned look flickered across her face as she looked at her brother. "Okay great Houdini, now that you got us handcuffed together, _how_ do you do the magic part of _separating us_ now?"

Ace grinned roguishly at the twins, the keys clutched in his chubby fist as he turned around, giving one last wave over his shoulder.

"Bye-bye!"

With that, the little hellion swiftly ran out of the room with the tiny single object, the _sole thing_ that could separate the twins, in his hot little hands!

"What – the? Ace! _Where you going_?!" Mila shrieked in horror. " _Come back here_!"

"It's fine!" Gregory assured her as he wriggled with his own fastening. " _Trucy_ never needed keys to get out of these, and _neither do I_!" He tugged at the handcuff link around his ankle and his eyes widened in alarm as it further tightened. "Uh-oh. I don't think _this_ part is supposed to happen."

"Gee, you _think_?" Mila's gray eyes shot daggers at her brother. "I _told_ you this was a bad idea, you dork pie! _Now_ what are we supposed to do?!"

"That's easy, we go after Ace!" Without thinking, Gregory lunged forward with his free leg, only to forget that his other one was attached to his twin's, and wound up sprawled, face down on the carpet, dragging his knee roughly against it, while catapulting his sister flat on her bottom at the same time. "Ow! My _knee_!"

"Yeah _that's_ what I thought was gonna happen if we tried that, which is why _I_ didn't try to do it!" Mila rubbed her sore bottom, then smacked her brother upside the head. "So, what are we going to do _now_ , _lint for brains?"_

"We sit here and we wait for someone to find us, that's what!" Gregory groaned and rubbed the tender back of his skull.

"Ugh," Mila grimaced. "I cannot _believe_ I am stuck here with your _foolish behind_ when I should be playing with Mia! Which I _was_ …until _you_ ruined it!"

"Oh quit your griping!" Gregory sulked, folding his arms across his chest. "If _anyone_ should be complaining right now, it should be _me!"_

" _You_?! Why _you_?!"

"Er, _because_." Gregory grinned sheepishly. "I kinda, sorta… Need to go to the bathroom."

"Well you'll just have to _hold it_!" Mila snarled and gripped her skipping rope tightly in her hand. "Because if you even _think_ of peeing all over my Pink Princess rug, Gregory Edgeworth, I swear to God, I will _skin you alive_!"

* * *

 _Back to the Present_

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth  
** Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

Edgeworth didn't speak. Once the twins were done giving their explanation, rather than utter a word, he just let out a barely audible grunt and slumped defeatedly in his armchair, while gently massaging his temples, obviously bemoaning his fate and wondering what he had ever done to deserve any of this!

Seeing as how his best friend seemed to be just inches away from a complete nervous breakdown, Phoenix had to be the one to speak.

"Let me get this straight," he said slowly. "Mila, the reason you agreed to go against your better judgment and actually _let_ your brother handcuff the two of you, is because he figured that he could emulate Trucy's magic trick?" Upon hearing this, Gregory whimpered softly, and slumped lower on the sofa. "And because you didn't want to make my son cry?"

Mila nodded and bit her lip.

The spiky haired man sighed. He couldn't possibly be angry with his goddaughter, or at his _alarmingly manipulative_ toddler son (who could apparently cry on command and at will)! However, he _did_ need to have a little chat with his godson, since apparently _his own father_ didn't seem capable of speech at the moment!

"Gregory," the blue attorney began. "You _do_ understand don't you, that my daughter is a _professional magician_ , who has been doing this for over half her life now, and moreover, doesn't use _real handcuffs_? She has a very special pair of _trick handcuffs._ "

"Really?" Gregory sniffled and looked miserably at his godfather. "Like, magic cuffs?"

"Yes Gregory," Phoenix replied gently. His lips twitched as he fought back a smile. "I don't even think _my daughter_ , Troupe Gramarye legend Trucy Wright, would be able to get out of _genuine police handcuffs_ , which it appears _those_ actually are, if she didn't have the key!"

"Which leads us to the question." Edgeworth finally spoke. "Which is, where _are_ those keys now?"

They all turned to look at Ace. Nobody wanted to ask the $64,000 question. They were too afraid of the answer.

Finally, Phoenix bit the bullet. Picking up his son off the couch, he held him up in his arms so they were face-to-face and affixed Ace with his most serious expression.

" _Roc Ace Wright_ ," he said in his sternest possible Daddy voice. "What did you do with those handcuff keys?"

Ace looked nervously at his father and his lower lip quivered.

"Ace, I'm _not_ fooling around." Phoenix was officially in courtroom mode now and his face was one to be reckoned with. "Tell me _where_ you put those keys. And _no crying_!"

Ace shook his head sadly.

"Key go down the hole."

Phoenix sweat dropped.

Gregory gulped.

Mila groaned and clapped her hands over her eyes.

Mia shook her head in dismay.

Edgeworth resumed rubbing his temples.

 _This_ had been the answer they'd all been afraid of. There was no doubt… The _all_ knew _what_ hole….

Things were looking very grim indeed...

* * *

 _ **Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's. Everyone else thanks so much for reading!**_

 **Chapter 6**

 **Yanmegaman**

Ace… What can I say there's a reason why Edgeworth asked Nick if the child had hidden horns…

 _"I came here to kick ass and clean floors. And I'm all out of ass." XD_

Awesome line! I would have used it and it's one of the few side splitters ones of yours that I haven't, but I totally one of if I thought I could have let the proper English gentleman get away with saying this! LOL

I don't know if you're old enough to remember the fresh Prince of Bel Air if not just YouTube Geoffrey the Butler from that show if you want to get an idea how I picture Hendricks' voice!

Anyway, what are you trying to say trying to say? That the dignity of his office should not allow The Chief Prostitutor to be a deviant behind closed doors? :p

Your guess was correct my dear friend - while he was no Alfred, I hope the Butler from Brighton did not disappoint! As for your other two guesses one of them does make an appearance in the next chapter have to stay tuned for which one! :-)

 **Ilet Moratar**

 _De nada por toda mi amiga dulce!_

I am very happy on your behalf that your children were nothing like the hell spawn that I created in the story! My biggest fear is art imitating life and giving birth to a demon spawn like the one I have created in the form of Ace Wright! XD

At the rate I'm going a should have the story done this week and then I can go back to working on the for Edgeworth and Franny arc in turnabout everlasting!

 **The Generic Overlord**

As one of my most long time supportive readers I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the motivation I need to keep writing on the sometimes silent review boards! You're awesome Chiquita!


	8. Concealing the Evidence

_A/N: A third stooge joins the mix in this chapter, I hope you guys like the new addition!_

* * *

 **Chapter Eight: Concealing the Evidence**

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

"Key go down the hole and go _whoosh_!" Ace added helpfully, just in case nobody had been clear on the meaning of his words.

"Should I take that as my cue, Sir?" Hendricks reentered the living room, obviously overhearing the _burial at sea_ key confession. "I have finally managed to remove the _painting_ from your walls and the _unwanted deposit_ in your bidet, as well as drained your former wading pool lavatory and restored it back to drier floor order. Shall I include _fishing for a pair of estranged handcuff keys_ as part of the repertoire, while I snake the loo now?"

Edgeworth nodded and continued rubbing what was sure to become a _hole_ in his temples.

"I don't know how long I will be, though, Sir," Hendricks told him. "That commode was clogged _to the dickens_!" He cast a scrutinizing glance at the twins' shackled ankles. "Might I suggest that you contact the handcuff owner to see if he has spare keys handy?"

"The _handcuff_ _owner_?" Phoenix looked at the butler in surprise and arched an eyebrow at Mila and Gregory. Apparently, there was _a very important part_ of the twins' retelling of events, which he and Edgeworth either had _missed_ , or had been _omitted_!

"Indeed, Mr. Wright. If I'm not mistaken those are _the very same pair_ of handcuffs that your friend Police Chief Gumshoe forgot when he was visiting the other day. _Most curious_ how the twins could've gotten their hands on them, however."

" _Oh_?" Phoenix prompted, casting a suspicious glance at his best friend. A fiery blush begin to spread across Edgeworth's cheeks.

"Why, yes. I could've _sworn_ I put them atop the _highest glass shelving_ in the corner of the living room there, completely out of children's reach, where the Master's most valuable, limited edition _Steel Samurai_ memorabilia is locked away…"

"Yes indeed it _is_ quite a _mystery_." Edgeworth coughed. "That will be all, Hendricks; do let me know when the bathroom is safe for reentry again."

"Will do, Master Edgeworth. Might I take the liberty of making one more suggestion?"

 _With the obscene salary I am now forced to pay you_ , _Hendricks_ , _I imagine you are allowed a free pass to take_ _ **whatever liberties you wish**_ _, as it is painfully aware that you now have me by the proverbial_ _ **short and curlies**_ _!_ Edgeworth grumbled to himself. _In fact, it wouldn't shock me in the least if you bought yourself a shiny new Rolls Royce with your newfound riches, with the personalized vanity plates,_ _ **IOWNU**_!

"On the off chance that you were at _all_ considering calling a locksmith, _in lieu of_ contacting your friend Gumshoe, to come free your children from those cuffs…" A knowing smile twitched on Hendricks' lips. "I just wanted the Master to be aware that perhaps a trip from the seventh floor of this building might result in a quicker arrival, then that of any locksmith you may find. After all, I am presuming your goal is to try to restore order before the return of your wives, as the hour is indeed growing late, and last call at the bar is at 2 o'clock. This however, is supposing they aren't _already_ , if you pardon the expression, completely _pissed_ already."

 _Huh?_ _ **How**_ _could they be pissed_ _ **already**_ _?_ Phoenix was bewildered. _I thought we had avoided A Time to Kill thus far_ _ **because**_ _Franziska and Maya still have no idea what_ _ **shit**_ _went down tonight! Not_ _ **yet**_ _, anyway! Pun totally_ _ **not**_ _intended!_

The flummoxed expression on the blue attorney's face was impossible to miss, and the butler couldn't suppress a smirk while he clarified.

"Apologies for any confusion my British colloquialism may have caused. The context is not to be confused with our other famous English expression, _which is taking the piss,_ something I profess I enjoy _perhaps a tad too much_ with you, as you just _make it so easy_ , Mr. Wright!" Hendricks' eyes were dancing with merriment as Phoenix blushed. "In this instance, however, I meant it in drinking excessive terms, or, as you Yanks would so quaintly say…" he stopped speaking then and silently mouthed the word, _shitfaced_.

Clearing his throat then, the dignified Englishman regained his composure and assumed his air of austerity once more.

"Anyhow, that was all I wished to convey. I shall be off to confront… _the John_." He gave the lawyers a mock salute, squared his shoulders, assumed his most ready-for-battle expression, and off he went.

The minute he was gone, the spiky haired man whirled around to face the Chief Prosecutor, who was _suddenly preoccupied_ with wiping his glasses on a lens cloth, and pretending not to notice Phoenix's ferocious glare.

"Those handcuffs belong to _Gumshoe?!"_ He echoed incredulously. "As in _Chief Gumshoe_ , who could have been here _ages_ ago?!"

Edgeworth didn't answer.

"And _you_ were just… _sitting there silently,_ when your children could've been freed, because you were too _embarrassed_ to call our friend, _who lives in this same building, all this time_?!" Phoenix was fuming as he pointed an accusing courtroom finger at the other man. "Exactly _who_ is the imbecile _now_ , Edgeworth?!"

"I was… distracted by the whole kitchen and bathroom debacle!" Edgeworth retorted defensively, looking away from Phoenix's condemnatory gaze. "Er, now that we have Hendricks here to attend to those matters, I shall call him posthaste."

The prosecutor made a big show of looking through his cell phone contacts.

"Gumshoe recently changed his phone number, so I'm not sure if I _have_ the new one…"

"Edgeworth will you _get over yourself_ and _curb your blasted pride already_?" Phoenix shook his head in disgust. "With all this stalling, I'm wondering if it'd be faster for me to _just run downstairs_ _and_ _fetch him myself_! Oh for Pete's sake, _stop pretending to scroll_ and just use _my_ phone already, as _I_ have his number on speed dial!"

"Pipe down, Wright, I am calling him _now_! No need to _nag_!" Edgeworth scowled and at last dialed the number.

The children just sat there and stared at their fathers in dumfounded silence.

"Guys, why do our Daddies always wind up bickering like _an old married couple_ whenever they're together?" Mia whispered to the twins, making sure the men couldn't hear. "Daddy and Mommy don't even get _this_ bad!"

"They sound worse than _our_ Mommy and Daddy whenever they're fighting, too!" Mila hissed back, with Gregory nodding in silent agreement.

"Mommy says they sound more like _foolish schoolboys_ than anything else, and one is no better than the other, as they're _both_ a couple of _foolish fools_ who argue over completely _fool hearted foolery_!" The little boy added, and then quickly shushed them as Gumshoe finally came on the line.

"What's up, pal?"

"Gumshoe, it's me." The prosecutor began brusquely, without preamble. "I really need you to come upstairs to the penthouse immediately. It's a matter of utmost importance."

"Um, sure, no problem, although is there any way this could maybe wait about 20 or so minutes? Klavier called me on the other line to talk about a case, but then we started watching _A Time to Kill_ together…"

"No it _cannot_ wait, but that _ridiculous_ movie, with all its _inconsistencies and legal inaccuracies_ most certainly _can_!" Edgeworth barked. "I need you to come up with the spare key to your handcuffs! The twins somehow have locked themselves together and lost the keys!"

"They _what_?!" Gumshoe sounded like he was trying hard not to laugh. "How on earth did _that_ happen?!"

His mirth only served to further grind Edgeworth's already frayed nerves.

"Perhaps because _your foolish self_ forgot them here at my house! Gumshoe, this is _all_ your fault! I _insist_ that you come up here, posthaste!"

"Um you _do_ know that _you're_ the one in need here, and that you are no longer my boss, don't you _Miles_?" Gumshoe spoke pleasantly enough, but there was an underlying edge to his voice. "So, I'm sure you are _also_ aware that you can no longer _command or threaten to cut my salary,_ in order to make me do your bidding, right _pal_?"

Translation: _I don't_ _ **have**_ _to put up with your shit anymore and I_ _ **won't**_ _!_

Phoenix overheard the implied, unspoken, but _loudly heard_ words of their normally good-natured friend in the otherwise silent room and groaned inwardly.

 _Gah! Why didn't_ _ **I**_ _just make the call instead?!_ He silently screamed. _Dammit Edgeworth,_ _ **you're**_ _asking_ _ **him**_ _for a_ _ **favor**_ _! Can you_ _ **not**_ _be a pompous, presumptuous douchebag_ _ **just once?!**_

"You're right," Edgeworth sighed in defeat, and affected a more cajoling and pleading tenor. "There is no excuse for my tone and manner, and I apologize. But, please understand that as we now speak, on top of my children looking like members of a _mini chain gang, minus the garbage spikes_ , they have also somehow given themselves _the most atrocious hairdo's known to man_ , and my _son_ , since he cannot wear pants, has been reduced to wearing my _daughter's_ _best church dress_."

"I'm very sorry about that, Miles," the police chief replied mildly, although his tone was now rich with amusement. "I do remember now that I left the handcuffs at your place the last time I was over. I guess I downed too much cognac with you during that game of chess! But I could've _sworn_ I left the cuffs sitting atop your fireplace mantel, which is too high for the kids to reach… _However_ did they manage to get their hands on them?"

" _That_ is not the matter of relevance at the moment, now, _is_ it?" Edgeworth hastily cleared his throat. "I fully recognize that I am no longer your superior and ergo, cannot _order_ you to come here. But _Dick_ , as my longtime friend, I'm _imploring_ you to put aside your movie, and come help me in this desperate time."

It was the unaccustomed humility behind the normally haughty prosecutor's words that sprang the chief into action.

"I'll be there right away, pal," Gumshoe promised. "I just need to let Klavier go. Tell the twins to sit tight!"

"I guarantee you they shall, because they have no other choice! Ah, there's just one _more_ thing, before you go…" Edgeworth hedged cautiously. "Since you're talking to that pretty boy prosecutor already… there was something I was hoping you could ask him on my behalf?"

* * *

 _ **Phoenix Wright, Miles Edgeworth and Dick Gumshoe  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

Just over a quarter of an hour later, there was a knock at the door and the chief of police was ushered in by Edgeworth into the living room.

"What took you so long?" The chief prosecutor demanded crossly, frowning at his friend. "You only live 23 floors down!"

"Well I had to let Klavier go first!" Gumshoe defended, putting his hands up in mock surrender. "To do so, I had to explain the gist to him as to why I was bailing on our _telephone movie night._ And then of course, I had to _wait for him to stop laughing_ …"

"I'm assuming you spared him none of the grisly details!" Edgeworth glared at him. "So amidst the two of you _cawing and cackling_ like a couple of _crows_ at my misfortune, did you at least manage, perchance, to inquire about _that other little thing_ to him?"

"Um, yeah, I did." Gumshoe grinned sheepishly and scratched his head. "Golden boy was pretty offended by the assumption, let me tell you! He went off on this long tangent and said something along the lines of: " _Achtung, baby_! _You tell Herr Bangs_ _that just because I have long, lustrous, satiny hair - which no, I_ _ **don't dye,**_ _and that_ _ **is**_ _my natural hair color!- which you all jeeringly say is as_ _ **pretty as a girl's**_ _, ja, does not mean I actually have the know-how of how to cut it!"_

 _Natural hair color my foot!_ The Chief Prosecutor smirked to himself. _**Him**_ _, and_ _ **Katie Perry!**_

"Humph! You can later convey my apologies for offending his _delicate sensibilities_ with my _oh-so-outré_ presumption!" Edgeworth retorted, crossing his arms huffily. "I assumed there was no harm in _asking."_

"Well if you want me to be _completely_ honest…" Gumshoe mumbled awkwardly. "What he _actually_ first told me to tell you when he heard you make the hairdresser query of him were three words: _Come Blo Me_."

Edgeworth reared back, stunned at the words, for a split second right before he _completely_ unraveled!

" _What_?! The _audacity_ of that _impudent, uncouth, glimmerous fop_!" The prosecutor's eyes were blazing with indignant fury. "Has that foul-mannered crass-talking, _schwein_ completely forgotten that _I_ actually _am_ _his_ _boss_!"

"But Miles…" Gumshoe interjected helplessly. "You don't understand…"

However, Edgeworth was too incensed to listen to either reason or logic as he continued his tirade.

"Mark my words, Klavier Gavin will _rue the day_ he hath dared _such impertinence_! Why, I've got half a mind to call him up _right now_ and tell him to... _start_ _ruing_!"

"No need to have a conniption, Edgeworth!" Phoenix intervened quickly. "I am 100% positive that your subordinate prosecutor's _suggestion_ was not meant to be taken in the _literal sense,_ at _all_!"

Edgeworth looked at him with puzzled eyes, his anger seeming to simmer to a slow boil now, as the defense attorney quickly continued.

"Don't you remember Longines Beaugosse's successful blow-dry bar salon chain, _You Blo Me_? Well a couple of years ago he launched a secondary spinoff business where the same blowout treatment was brought to you in your own home by professional hairstylists, with the cheeky, somewhat amusing and _easily misunderstood_ name, _Come Blo Me_!"

 _Eureka! I remember now! What with my completely shattered nerves from tonight's events, I completely forgot about that!_ Edgeworth realized, blushing furiously at his uncharacteristically overactive response, further evidence that he was completely shaken out of the norm. _It's kind of sad that for once, I was unable to understand Gumshoe's mangled train wreck of a sentence..._

"That's what I was _trying to tell you_ , pal!" Gumshoe exclaimed. "So take a deep breath before your blood pressure hits the ceiling! I even have the name and number for you of the woman that regularly _comes and blows_ Klavier at his home!" The burly man turned _50 shades of red_ as he looked over at the sofa and caught sight of four sets of young eyes staring back at him in confusion. " _Gah_! I mean _no_! I mean, _not like that_! Er, um…you know…um, _she blows_ _him dry_! _Ngh_! His _hair_ , I mean!"

 _Good grief!_ Phoenix face palmed. _Did you want some water to help you wash down that foot, pal?!_

"She cuts and styles it too! I know it's late, but he's already contacted her for you. Just tell her that you're a friend of his, and she will be more than willing to come make a house call… Provided of course, you make it worth her while of course …"

 _Oh why not?_ Edgeworth lamented grumpily. _This night alone has cost me plenty enough already, what with Hendricks' impromptu_ _ **mortgage equivalent salary increase**_ _, not to mention every shred of my remaining sanity! What's_ _ **another**_ _three or four digits in the mix, really?_

"Please make the call for me, Dick." The prosecutor was completely drained by then. "Just tell her to get over here as soon as possible. I have no idea when the ladies will be returning, but ideally I would like all order to be restored before they do!"

Suddenly, Gumshoe's cell rang, and he looked down at the number with a knitted brow.

"I have to take this call," he told Edgeworth, handing him a slip of paper with the name and phone number of the hairdresser. "Just give her a shout and she oughta be here in two shakes of a lambs tail."

As the flustered Edgeworth called the number and embarrassedly mumbled his request to the person who answered, Phoenix quietly chortled to himself at the whole situation; he just couldn't help it! It was all too hysterical for words!

 _Come on! It's not_ _ **every day**_ _a_ _ **happily married man**_ _is able to, with no repercussion, call up another woman and use the words_ _ **Come Blo Me…**_

* * *

 _ **Dick Gumshoe and Maggey Gumshoe  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse/The Ball Room, Los Angeles_

"Honey, what's going on?" Gumshoe's forehead was furrowed with concern as he walked back towards the front door of Edgeworth's condo, opened it and stepped into the main hallway outside the penthouse suite. "Is everything all right?"

"No sweetie! We didn't get into a _fight_!" His wife responded loudly, with a telltale slur to her words. "We're _fine_! Juz…fiiiine!"

"Maggey, that's _not_ what I asked!" The police chief exclaimed. "I can barely hear you over that racket! Are you sure you can hear me?!"

In the background, he could clearly hear the loud blaring of the suggestive R & B song, "Pony" by Ginuwine.

 _The things I will do to you_  
 _You and your body_  
 _Every single portion_  
 _Send chills up and down your spine_  
 _Juices flowing down your thigh…_

"S - sorry Dick!" Maggey hiccupped slightly. "Gimme one sex! Er, _sec_! I'm at the bar and they are totally _blasting_ _the_ _beats_!"

"I'll _say_ they are!" Gumshoe frowned, wondering how his wife could stand being a place that played such _filth_! "Can't you go someplace quieter where I can actually hear you and not that hump up and grind noise pollution they're calling music?!"

 _If you're horny, let's do it_  
 _Ride it, my pony_  
 _My saddle's waiting_  
 _Come and jump on it…_

" _Oopsie_!" Maggey twittered. "One sec sweetie! I'm going to go duck into the ladies room!"

Gumshoe waited patiently for a moment until his wife came back on the line. He could still hear the sordid lyrics of _equestrian themed sexual euphemisms_ , albeit more in the background now.

"Can you hear me now?" Maggey asked. "Wait, I need to pee! Try not to listen!"

Gumshoe barely suppressed the urge to roll his eyes.

"Don't worry about it honey, the music is still loud enough to drown out the _delicate sound of your tinkling_!" He chuckled.

"Ahhh… All good now!" She announced happily a minute later. "I was about due for a potty break anyway! I completely broke the seal!"

Then she burst into giggles.

"Maggey, just how drunk _are_ you?!" Gumshoe exclaimed, uncertain whether or not to be entertained or annoyed by this entire phone call! "Wait don't answer that; you're having your girl night – just enjoy and have fun… as long as you're not driving!"

"I am still _nowhere_ _near_ as _shitfaced_ as the birthday girl!" She told him and stifled back another giggle. "Or _Ema_! That's why I'm calling you honey! We're going to be a little later than we planned because Little Miss Science was a bad, _bad_ girl tonight!"

"What do you mean?" He asked wearily. "How bad is _bad_ , Maggey? Do I need to come bail you girls out or something?"

"No, no! Nothing like _that_!" She reassured him and hiccupped again. "It's just that something _kind of happened_ and we are going to have to stay here until after last call when the bar closes down, and the dancers are done performing, because we need to go talk to one of them backstage…"

" _Dancers_?!" Gumshoe repeated in disbelief as he mentally pieced together the information he had just heard with the _type of music_ playing in the background! "Maggey Gumshoe, are you telling me that you're spending _Franziska von Karma's_ birthday at some seedy _nudie bar_?!"

"Don't make it sound so _dirty_ , Dick!" Maggie tried to sound indignant but only wound up giggling again. "The Ball Room is a place of professional _exotic dancers_ who prefer to be known as _entertainers_! And for the record, you know that her last name has been von Edgeworth for _over half a decade now!"_

Gumshoe was too busy trying to squelch the disturbing images of him no longer being _the only Dick_ that his wife was seeing to bother telling her to quit arguing about semantics and get to the point of her call already!

As though reading his mind, Maggey's voice suddenly took on a slightly sheepish tone.

"I bet you are wondering why I'm calling you."

"Uh-huh…"

"See here's the thing honey, _technically_ we could – and probably _should_ and _would_ if we _could_! – come home _now_ as the birthday girl and Ema are _completely_ _three sheets to the wind already,_ and one more drop of alcohol in _either_ of their systems will result in a _really messy incident_ here!"

There was a loud clanging sound in the background as Maggey apparently stumbled into something metal.

"Dammit!" She muttered, as though forgetting that her husband was on the other end of the line. "I could've _sworn_ that garbage can wasn't there when I first walked in here!"

 _Looks like Franziska and Ema aren't the only ones who need another drink like they need a hole in the head!_ Gumshoe thought wryly. _And_ _ **they're**_ _supposedly_ _ **worse**_ _than my wife right now?!_

"Promise you won't get mad?" Maggey began nervously. "And _swear_ you won't tell Klavier?!"

"Maggey just tell me what happened…" Gumshoe ran a hand through his thick dark hair while thinking to himself: _Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this one little bit?_ "And if it's _really_ that important to you, I promise I won't tell _Klavier_."

"We were being good girls, _really_!" She began. "Nobody was dirty dancing with any of the naked men or getting lap dances… It was all one big laugh really… And you needn't to worry about anybody getting fresh with me or anything like that! Franny is the table bodyguard for the night! She beat off a perverted dancer with a big giant penis!"

" _What_ the hell?! Where did she get her _hands on a penis_ from? Or rather _whose_?"

 _OK I am_ _ **so glad**_ _that I left Miles' place to come outside and take this call, so innocent kiddy ears wouldn't hear this conversation… Not after my rambling_ _ **blo**_ _commentary!_

"Relax! It wasn't a _real dick,_ Dick, nor was it _hers_!" Maggey assured him, snickering. "I'll explain about _that_ later when I get home! The point is we were all being respectable married women and mommies… Right up until _Bill Thigh_ , The Science Guy, came onstage…"

"Did I mishear you, honey?" Gumshoe blinked. Just how drunk _was_ his wife? "Did you say _Thigh_? Don't you mean Bill _Nye_ , The Science Guy?"

 _What the heck is_ _ **that**_ _spindly Poindexter doing at the peelers though? Not that I swing that way or anything, but_ _ **who'd**_ _want to see_ _ **him**_ _strip? I'd pay him to put his clothes back_ _ **on**_ _!_

"No, the _entertainer's_ stage name was Bill _Thigh_ , The Science Guy," Maggey explained. "His whole gimmick was coming out as a science geek, you know, with the white lab coat and the goggles and carrying smoky glass test tubes? But he was also really buff n' stuff, and had these _thighs of steel_ you could have _cracked a coconut with_!"

The feeling of dread began building within him. He had a sinking suspicion of _exactly_ how this conversation was about to correlate to their science-enthusiast friend being led off the straight and narrow path…

"Picture it, honey! Here's this _hot_ guy – get that disapproving look off your face, Dick, I'm _married_ , not _buried_! – in a scientist outfit, shaking what mama gave him to that Thomas Dolby song from the 80s 'She Blinded Me With Science' and shaking his money maker in nothing but a little thong underneath the lab coat… Ema _just couldn't help herself_!"

 _Christ Almighty!_ The burly man let out a horrified silent groan. _Do I even_ _ **want**_ _to know…?_

"Well, Ema _refused_ to believe that _really wasn't a beaker in his pocket_ and he _actually was just that happy to see_ her when he came to visit our table. I guess she caught his eye, being the only other woman in the place that was wearing a lab coat just like his…" Maggey was on a roll now. "So er, since she had already convinced herself, and now wanted to prove to _us_ that, _scientifically speaking_ , it was absolutely impossible for any man to be that… _gifted_ … She decided to try to _prove_ it, by, ah, _tipping_ him…"

Gumshoe groaned again, louder and more audible this time.

"It was an accident, I _swear_!" She insisted, even though her shocked into silence husband still hadn't spoken. "But while Ema was proving her point - she wrong by the way, that was ALL BILL - her engagement ring fell off her finger and she sort of lost it down Billy Boy's um… Underpants…"

"I should tell you not to go on anymore, as I've heard _more than I cared to hear_ ," Gumshoe sighed. "But I'm sensing you're rounding the bend honey…"

"And when we tried to go backstage after Bill's set was over, the bouncer remembered Franny as the girl with the _giant penis_ and refused to let us enter –what the hell, did he think we were going to _use it_ on the dancers back there!? – And said that if it was _really_ that important, we could wait till after the show was done! But he also said not to hold our breath, _because the club was not liable or responsible for any items of value_ that might get lost _on or in_ the dancers... ever since the _last_ incident six months ago…"

* * *

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

"How long is he going to be on the blasted phone?" Edgeworth raged, pacing back and forth across the Oriental living room rug like a caged panther. "The least he could have done was throw us the bloody keys before taking off, so that would be _one_ less thing to have to worry about in the meantime!"

The children just sat there silently, in complete awe, as the normally cool, composed prosecutor completely resumed the fine art of _losing his_ _shit_!

"Daddy?" Mila began timidly, her eyes darting nervously back and forth between the two attorneys, the blue-clad one trying to keep calm and carry on, while the other magenta-clad one seemed determined to wear a groove into his own expensive carpeting.

" _Yes_ , Mila?" Edgeworth bit, through gritted teeth. "What is it _now?"_

"N-nothing," the little girl mumbled as she timidly shrank back further against the sofa cushions and crossed her legs tightly, all the while with a pained look on her face.

A stressed out Miles Edgeworth was a force absolutely _nobody_ wanted to reckon with!

"OK guys, I'm back!" Gumshoe announced at that moment as he reentered the condominium. "And I've got some news from the ladies."

"Can it wait until we've freed these two?" Phoenix asked, noting his goddaughter's discomfited expression. "I have the feeling if you don't unlock them at this very moment, the guest john, aka Watergate 2.0, won't be the _only_ spillage we will have to contend with!"

Mila smiled gratefully at her godfather.

Gumshoe nodded and busied himself unlocking the handcuffs around the twins' ankles. The minute he did, Gregory jumped off the couch and did a little midair jump and spin.

" _Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last_!" He cried theatrically, as though he had been enchained for _ages_ rather than _an hour!_

Still in pure performance overkill mode, Gregory then extended his arms and began a Disney Princess-style twirl, which made the skirt of the dress he was wearing flare about, and just overall look hilariously _wrong_ on _so_ many different levels!

 _I wonder where he learned such theatrics from?_

Phoenix was tempted to quip that the only thing missing was the _tiara_! Instead, he swallowed back the laughter threatening to erupt from within him and beamed at the little boy, then at his less amused looking father.

" _What a ham_!" He chuckled.

"Oh _thank you_ , _thy art a most valiant gentleman_ , Uncle Gumshoe!" Mila exclaimed joyfully, hopping down to the floor and giving the big man a huge hug. She then clasped her hands to her chest like a woman who had just received a death row reprieve. "I had to pee _so_ bad! Truly, thou hath _saved my life!"_

 _And there goes the_ _ **other**_ _aspiring thespian in the family!_ Phoenix sniggered silently. _I foresee the stages of Broadway beckoning the both of you!_

With that, she raced down the hallway.

 _Okay no more going to Shakespeare plays for that one!_ The prosecutor stared after his daughter. _Methinks me hath too fully submerged her into Elizabethan culture!_

"She had to go to the bathroom?" Edgeworth frowned. "What didn't she just _say_ so?"

"I do believe she _tried,"_ Phoenix replied dryly, his lips twitching again to hide another indulgent smile. "And judging by the expression on your face, I do believe _that_ was why she drew back in terror, for fear that you were going to bite her little head off!"

Edgeworth looked shamefaced and jammed his hands in his pockets, then looked in dismay at his still happily twirling son, who had grabbed Mia by the hands and was doing a spur-of-the-moment _waltz_ with her around the living room, while white flour from her hair and clothing flew about! It appeared that Gregory suddenly was no longer in a big hurry to get out of his previously hated dress! Then he looked over at Ace, in his oil-stained T-shirted glory, while his lower body remained bottomless, and heaved a great sigh.

"Ace," the prosecutor asked his godson patiently. "We wouldn't want anybody to have an accident on that nice couch, which has suffered enough historically _at the hands of your kinsmen_." He cocked a half smile in Phoenix's direction. "Do _you_ need to go to the bathroom too?"

The toddler nodded silently, his little eyes transfixed on the miniature Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire performance in front of him.

"Wright, check to see if Mila is done in the master bathroom, as I don't want to rush Hendricks with his plumbing duties in the guest one, and take Ace to do his business," Edgeworth instructed. "Mia, go ask Mila to lend you one of her dresses; she's a little taller, but you should be able to fit well enough into her clothes. Let's get you out of those powder-dusted ones, post-haste."

"Yes, Uncle Miles." Mia reluctantly excused herself from her ballroom partner and ran down the hallway, leaving Gregory, unaffected, to blissfully continue dancing with himself, at the present standing on his tippy toes, with his arms over his head, like a pint-sized, _cross-dressed, ballerina_!

 _Lord help me!_ Edgeworth dragged a hand down his face. _In addition,_ _ **this**_ _one has seen his_ _ **final**_ _Swan Lake performance! I have no desire to see real life imitating art at this point!_

"Gregory."

The little boy finally stopped his pirouettes and looked at his father expectantly.

"Yes, Daddy?"

"Go grab one of my old workout T-shirts, because _your_ clothes are too big to fit Ace. Let's see if we can make some sort of makeshift diaper for him in the meantime."

"No problem Daddy." The little boy nodded and did a mock curtsy while holding his skirts, and then began a surprisingly well-executed series of attempted Grand Jetés down the hallway.

Edgeworth groaned to himself.

 _Okay my son is starting to get_ _ **much**_ _too comfortable in that dress for my liking… I would've thought_ _ **he**_ _would be the first one jumping off the couch and racing to his room to get back into his normal clothing!_

"And son?"

"Yes, Daddy?" Gregory twirled around smoothly.

"Will you please _take off your sister's dress_ and get into _your own boy's clothes_ _before_ you do _anything_ else!"

The child looked crestfallen.

"Come _on_!" He pouted. "Do I _have_ to?"

Edgeworth only _looked_ at him.

"As you wish." Gregory shuffled off then, the picture of pure dejection, head hanging and feet dragging, like a man condemned to a prison life sentence, as he muttered to himself. "He _never_ lets me have _any_ fun…"

Phoenix bit his lip, which at this point possibly had _permanent teeth marks_ on it from all the stifled laughter, and scooped Ace up into his arms, before quirking an eyebrow at the _extremely_ entertained looking Gumshoe, and the exasperated Edgeworth, who had sagged back down on the armchair.

"Before I take this one to the bathroom, didn't you say you had an update about the ladies?" He prompted.

"Oh yeah right, I did." Gumshoe turned to his friends and flashed a conspiring grin. " _Someone_ up there likes you guys! You have just been bought a little more extra time to get things fixed up around here. There was a certain _situation_ at the bar right now, and they're unable to leave at the moment."

"Nothing involving being behind bars or the ER I hope?" Phoenix quipped, grateful for the reprieve.

"Care to enlighten us, Dick?" Edgeworth asked tiredly, too drained to display his relief at the news.

"Maggey made me promise not to tell _Klavier_ ," Gumshoe began, scratching his head. "But as long as you two _swear_ you won't either, I guess I can let the cat out of the bag." He then proceeded to relate to them the circumstances of their wives' detainment.

Both attorneys' jaws dropped to the floor for a good minute at the news.

Phoenix was the first to recover.

"I guess I'm happy that wasn't my Maya…" He offered hesitantly, trying not to sound judgmental.

 _Considering my wife is presumably stone cold sober since_ _ **she was designated**_ _driver, she would've needed one_ _ **hell**_ _of an excuse if it_ _ **had**_ _been!_

"I certainly hope Ema is able to retrieve said item of value," Edgeworth managed at last. "Despite the unseemly, unprecedented, circumstances that have resulted in us getting the deadline extension, I suppose I should be grateful for it nevertheless, seeing as how the hairdresser is not here yet."

"If _my_ wife were to ever lose something of _hers_ down some _dancer's pants_ …" Gumshoe muttered darkly. " _So would_ _ **he**_!"

Edgeworth cringed slightly at the imagery.

"I didn't realize being a stripper was such a _potentially dangerous_ profession!" Phoenix joked.

"It's not like I'm _too_ worried about Maggey misbehaving!" Gumshoe sounded smug. "You don't go _fishing for minnows_ when you've got _**Moby Dick**_ _at home_!"

Now Edgeworth made another sound, which _might_ have been a laugh, which he swiftly masked as coughing.

"Still, I'm kind of surprised that you two are being pretty good-natured about this!"

"I guess it's because we have bigger _fish to fry_ at the moment, Gumshoe." Phoenix turned to head to the bathroom and gestured to his oily, half naked son with his chin. "That, and we _still_ have yet to discover exactly what caused the series of unfortunate events in the first place!"

"I admit, I sort of want to stick around to hear it," the police chief guffawed. "Gordy is a big boy and can certainly handle watching Jeff for a little bit longer. Besides, you can just include this incident into the infamous Kid's Mischief Hall of Fame! I have a feeling this will _rank right up there_ with the time that Adrian and Simon watched our boys a few years ago."

Encouraged by the curious expressions on both attorneys' faces Gumshoe could barely contain his mirth as he told the story.

"Somehow, the little monsters managed to secretly get into Blackquill's Netflix account, and _gave five-star ratings_ to Teletubby videos, Justin Bieber documentaries, and stoner movies. For ages, the Twisted Samurai could not figure out why Netflix suddenly thought he was some sort of _druggie pedophile!_ "

Edgeworth and Phoenix cracked up at that, and the police chief joined in. It was a much-needed relief for the two babysitters, and both felt some of the tension ease from their bodies as they prepared themselves for the arrival of the final member of the rescue mission to arrive.

 _There's still a chance we can have the mother of all turnabouts and pull this one out of the fire in the nick of time_ , Phoenix hoped, casting a wary glance at the hall clock. _I just hope my longtime lucky streak of turning things around isn't only limited to the courtroom..._

 **Ginuwine - Pony**

* * *

 _ **Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's. Everyone else thanks so much for reading!**_

 **Chapter 7**

 **Forgreatcoffee**

Between you and me, I share your point of view on JusticeCykes. I don't think motherhood would mellow out Athena one bit, and I have little doubt that on their wedding night she was the one carrying Apollo over the threshold! LOL

I couldn't resist poking fun at _50 Shades of Grey_ and the fact that Apollo would rather endure _30 days of shi_ t then watch it! Now to be fair Athena never told him he _had to stay awake_ during that marathon, although he seems like a pretty smart guy- he will keep _pinching_ himself to make sure he does!

Will this make them equal now for pain; childbirth labor versus sitting through three of these!? XD

I actually got a kick out of your vanity plates and new vehicle suggestion I hope you caught it!

I'm so happy you like Hendricks! It means the world to me that my readers actually enjoying my original characters thank you so much!

As for how the children got their hands on these handcuffs in order to try to emulate Trucy's magic trick it still does remains a mystery doesn't it? After all, Edgeworth's not talking! LOL

 **Yanmegaman**

Master Yanmegaman, one does not merely forget scrubbing out not _one_ but _two_ sets of posterior prints from Italian leather couch cushions that took three months to buff out as a result of all the _buffing_ them upon them! One cannot help but revel in _taking the piss_ out of Phoenix Wright he truly sets himself up for it! Got love that dry British humor and I'm delighted you get such a kick out of the character! I have such a full cast in Turnabout Everlasting so it's hard for me to squeeze the classy Butler in there beyond where I already have, so this story was a lot of fun because I got to let him have a major role! :-)

A man who is willing to watch 50 Shades of Grey with you… If that's not love then I don't know what is! However, as you are a friend of mine, I hope that you are never asked to prove your devotion in such a manner! Stick with more tried-and-true ways, such as running across the burning bridge instead! XD

 **Chapter 6**

 **DannyDragon**

I sincerely thank you for taking the time to read and review my silly little story and I'm so happy that you like it and get my warped sense of humor! _Si, hablo un poco de español. Escribí esta historia para mi amig **a** que es cuban **a** para su cumpleaños_.

My speaking of much better than my writing, as it's been a while since I studied the beautiful language. As with my occasional other languages written in my stories and to my readers, I am but at the mercy of Google translate! :)


	9. The Unkindest Cut of All

_A/N This specific chapter is dedicated to mi amiga dulce whom I wrote this story for, Ilet Moratar! She may find the character of the Come Blo Me cavalry seems a bit…familiar… ;)  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Nine:** **The Unkindest Cut of All**

 _ **Phoenix Wright, Miles Edgeworth, Dick Gumshoe, and Come Blo Me Cavalry  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

A quarter of an hour later, there was a knock on the door. Phoenix and Edgeworth were going at it again on one of their ridiculous squabbles while the children watched on as a captive audience, and Hendricks was still playing double agent duty as plumber.

Therefore, the onus was on Gumshoe to open the door. On the other side stood an absolutely striking Latina woman, who appeared to be in her mid to late 30s. Her lithe figure was showcased in a pair of black jeggings, and her white, fitted tank top contrasted beautifully with her tanned olive skin and lustrous, golden-streaked, mahogany hair, which tumbled past her shoulders.

" _Buenas noches! Me llamo Eliete_ , _de Come Blo Me_ ," she introduced herself to the police chief in her lilting Cuban accent, shaking his hand with her free one, as her other one was holding a large black plastic travelling case. "¿ _Se encuentra el Señor Edgeworth?"_

The big man stared at the hairdresser for a moment without blinking, suddenly looking completely tongue-tied. Despite being a now happily married man, growing up, he'd always had an inner shyness around attractive women that he had never really outgrown.

"No, _Señora, me llamo_ Gumshoe," he finally managed to utter, rapidly searching his brain to remember his high school Spanish and pointing to himself comically. " _Señor Edgeworth está en la sala."_

Eliete flashed a pretty, indulgent smile, although he wasn't sure if it was because she was humoring him for his Spanish effort, despite his terrible accent, or just general friendliness. However, either way, it only made the big man's blush further deepen as he let out a nervous high-pitched giggle.

" _Por favor entra_ ," he invited awkwardly, closing the door behind her.

The hairdresser placed her case on the floor, her inquisitive dark eyes widening as she took in the scene before her:

\- A tiny girl, no more than four, wearing a slightly too large lavender sundress, whose face and hair made her look like a _ghost in a stage theater_ _production._

\- A slightly older girl next to the ghost child, with electric blue hair so glaringly bright, one almost needed sunglasses to look at her.

\- A little platinum blond boy who was presumably _Smurfette headed_ girl's brother, sporting a bowl cut on one side with the other side trimmed so short it looked as though he'd practically been _scalped._

\- A _guapo_ , spiky-haired _hombre_ trying to successfully wrap an oversized T-shirt around an oily, squirming miniature version of himself on the sofa, with what looked suspiciously like multiple _chip clips_ into some sort of onesie, as it was too large to merely just be used as a diaper.

\- A _muy bonito_ , elegant _hidalgo_ in a wine suit, whose good looks were currently marred by the fact that he was shouting so loudly at the man in the blue suit that his furious face was the same colour as his outfit.

"You are _unbelievable_ , Wright! It's inconceivable that you seriously have _the gall_ to be _diapering your son_ with my _imported designer, 12-gauge knit Italian cashmere shirt_!" The gray-haired man fumed, waving his hands dramatically in the air in a manner that would have made _any_ Italian proud!

" _What_ do you _want_ from my _life_ , Edgeworth?" The black haired man glared back. "It was either I take the first thing _your son_ retrieved for me, or let my toddler run around with no bottoms and risk having _an accident on your precious rug_!"

"I'm sorry Daddy!" The little boy with the lopsided haircut wailed plaintively. "I couldn't reach your top-drawer, and Hendricks was busy, so I grabbed the first thing I could find from the bottom drawer that I _could_ reach!"

" _Ngh_! It's all right Gregory. An honest mistake… I blame _Wright_ here for grabbing it from you and not recognizing that wasn't an everyday cotton T-shirt!"

" _Objection_! How _in the name of God_ am I to know one material from another with your _shi-shi froufrou T-shirts_?" The man named Wright demanded, as he finally managed to outfit the toddler into a makeshift onesie with four clips in the back to hold it together. "First of all, what is _with_ you and your import obsession, Edgeworth? Italian couches, Oriental rug, and now Italian cashmere?! Can you do _nothing_ to help the US economy and buy _local_ once in a while?! And second, why on earth do you even own a cashmere T-shirt anyway?! It's an average of 80° year-round… we live in _Los Angeles_ for Christ's sake _!_ "

" _Objection_! For your bloody information, sometimes it gets _cold_ _on the rooftop_ in the evenings!"

"Give it a rest, Edgeworth! Just _bill me_ for the blasted thing, just like you threatened to do with the _plumbing bill_!"

" _Hold it!_ Fellas!" Gumshoe whistled loudly to get their attention. "Can you both cool your jets and at least _pretend_ that you're gentlemen? There's a _lady_ present!"

"There's no reason to assume _I_ am _not a_ _gentleman_! _I_ wasn't the crass one using the _Lord's name in vain_ multiple times in the same sentence …" Edgeworth grumbled, finally looking up to see the recent arrival. Staring at the pretty woman by his friend's side, his words died in his throat, and a heated blush crept up his cheeks, the fight dying in him entirely.

" _Por favor, disculpe Señora_ ," the chief prosecutor immediately morphed back into his customary chivalrous mode. Bowing slightly in greeting, he continued to speak in flawless Spanish that entirely put Gumshoe's previous efforts to shame, and strode up to the hairdresser. As he clasped her hand in both of his own, his normally cool grey eyes glowed with uncharacteristic warmth. " _Es usted_ Eliete? _Encantado. Soy_ Miles Edgeworth _. Gracias por venir tan rápido. Bienvenida a mi casa."_

" _Mucho gusto_ , _Señor_ Edgeworth." The handsome prosecutor was treated to a dazzling smile.

" _No_ , _Señora,"_ Edgeworth murmured in a _smooth as silk_ voice Phoenix had _never_ heard him use before. " _El gusto es_ _ **mio**_ _."_

The blue attorney took note of this 180-degree shift in behavior with an arched eyebrow.

 _Okay Edgeworth has totally gone past the polite normal three seconds greeting stare!_ He observed. _I had no idea he could do a_ _ **complete turnabout**_ _and go from being ridiculously rage-filled over imported wool shirts, to morphing into Rico Sauvé within 5 seconds! Looks like he has a soft spot for good-looking Spanish women! Yeesh, is that hint of_ _ **admiration**_ _I see in his eyes? Am I going to need to remind him that_ _ **he's a married man**_ _, since he has also **far surpassed**_ _the standard two second handshake already, and is_ _ **still**_ _holding her hand?!_

With a smirk, the defense attorney got up from the sofa, keeping hold of Ace in his arms – the _one lesson_ he had _finally_ learned that entire night was that the toddler couldn't seem to cause any grief as long as you kept _a sure grip_ on him! – and strode over to Eliete and Edgeworth, who were still happily beaming at one another, her tiny hand _still remaining_ clasped in his.

 _While, I_ _ **suppose**_ _if you don't know about Edgy's grumpy disposition and judge him solely at first glance, he comes across as_ _ **somewhat**_ _charming,_ the defense attorney was forced to admit to himself, plastering a friendly smile onto his face.

" _Hola_ , Eliete," he greeted the woman, purposely extending his hand and finally forcing the prosecutor to reluctantly drop his own so she could shake it. " _Soy_ Phoenix Wright. _Hablas inglés_?"

Eliete nodded, her friendly dark eyes twinkling as she shook his hand, although her admiring expression seemed to have been exclusively reserved for his friend.

" _Si_ , I speak English, Señor Wright, although I do appreciate the efforts of you kind gentlemen to speak to me in my native tongue," she replied cheerfully. "Now that I see you up close, I recognize you from the papers. You're _the_ legendary Phoenix Wright! My oldest daughter Leia is a _huge_ fan and has the _biggest_ crush on you!"

Phoenix felt a fiery blush creeping across his face.

 _Okay I'm not going judge Edgeworth anymore for acting like_ _ **a complete tool**_ _just now! This woman could charm the pants off the Pope! I don't know what_ _ **his**_ _weak spot was, but for me it's that gorgeous accent!_

The hairdresser noted the pinkness in his cheeks and her smile became more playful.

" _Es verdad!_ Leia goes to as many of your court trials as possible just to watch you from the gallery! Don't worry, she is no homewrecker; she knows you're married!" She teased. "But I shall have to tell her that you're even more handsome in person! I think she's a sucker for those spikes!"

Phoenix didn't think it was actually _possible_ for his face to get any more red, but at that point, he was _pretty sure_ you could have _roasted a marshmallow_ on his cheeks!

"Personally…" The hairdresser's tone took on a slightly teasing edge as she flashed a wink Edgeworth. "I've always had a weakness for _men in cravats_ myself."

The prosecutor's usually stern countenance broke into an embarrassed smile of pleasure while his face turned crimson.

 _Yes historically the fluttery frilly napkin thingies were last seen as fashionable by 17th-century military men, and then later favored by both Bram Stoker's Dracula and Nosferatu's doppelganger, Manfred von Karma!_ Phoenix added silently, noting the goofy, flattered smile on Edgeworth's face that was only surpassed by his reddened cheeks. _Yeesh, the two of us must look like_ _ **real lady-killers**_ _here, what with both of us being grown-ass, married men in our 40's, who are blushing like schoolboys at the friendly flirtations of a woman whom we've only just met!_

"So…" The hairdresser looked back and forth between the two attorneys. "Despite the current circumstances which prove that something _really bad_ must have happened here, I can see evidence, Señor. Edgeworth, that you once had two _beautiful, normal-looking_ _niños_! Moreover, Señor. Wright, I'm assuming _su hija_ did not _always_ resemble somebody that your wife, the famous spirit medium, _could channel_ , and that _su hijo_ did not always look like the victim of a _Gulf oil spill_!"

Phoenix shuffled his feet awkwardly. Edgeworth jammed his hands in his pockets. The two looked down, shamefaced, in silence.

Neither still had any idea about how to reply to the questions to which neither _still_ as of yet knew the answers!

" _Well_?" Eliete prompted. "Is somebody going to tell me what happened so that I can try to _undo_ all the damage? It would help if I knew _what was in the hair_ , and I'm sure there's a story to go with it, for starters …?"

Mia let out a long-suffering sigh and hopped off the couch. She walked up to Eliete and flashed her most disarming smile.

"Since the twins have been calling each other _liars_ the entire night every _time either one of them_ of tries to tell the story, I guess that leaves _me_ as the only neutral third-party that can be the key witness here," she began. "But before I do, I just wanted to tell you something."

"What's that, _niña bonita_?" Eliete squatted down so they were at eye level and smiled indulgently into the angelic face.

"When I told my Daddy that there was a boy in my junior kindergarten class who kept staring at me and turning red every time he did, Daddy said that was probably because he thought I was pretty and it made him shy," Mia explained. "You're really pretty, too. I think _that's_ why Daddy and Uncle Miles' faces turn into tomatoes every time you look at them and smile at them."

Eliete only giggled softly in response as both attorneys groaned inwardly and wished they could vanish _right there and then_! Behind them, Gumshoe snickered into his hand, glad he wasn't the only one to morph into _doofus mode_ in the presence of a foxy female!

"Don't worry, Daddy," Mila reassured Edgeworth kindly. "Like Mommy always says, you're allowed to _look_ , just not _touch_!"

"That's right!" Gregory chimed in. "Mommy also says if Daddy ever _touches_ , she will _chop his hand off!"_

"I thought Mommy said she'd chop his _glied_ off?" Mila looked at her twin in confusion.

"She _did_! But when I asked her with that meant, she got all red-faced, and told me that _glied_ meant _another word_ for _hand_ in German!"

Edgeworth gave a low moan of humiliation and buried his face in his hands then.

"Really? Your Mommy says _that_?" Mia asked the twins in surprise. " _My_ Mommy just says: " _It's alright to_ _ **look**_ _, Nick, you're_ _ **married**_ _, not_ _ **buried**_!"

"Alright children, I think you've made your point!" Hendricks mercifully intervened as he strode into the room just then, before the two men _literally died of mortification_. He triumphantly jingled a pair of keys in his hand, which he immediately handed to the police chief. "I believe these belong to _you_ , Señor. Gumshoe. Master Edgeworth, the toilet snaking was a success, and both twins' bedrooms have been cleaned, as has the kitchen. Your house is now essentially restored to pre-babysitting orderliness. Do you require anything else, or shall I _retire_?"

 _He's_ _ **still**_ _threatening to retire?!_ Edgeworth looked about ready to faint.

" _Do_ relax, Sir." The butler grinned impishly. "I merely meant _for the_ _evening_!"

 _I'm assuming Edgeworth keeps Hendricks around because he's a miracle worker_! Phoenix shook his head at the still-smirking Englishman. _Because that man has one_ _ **warped**_ _, borderline_ _ **sadistic**_ _sense of humor!_

"You are a _godsend_ , Hendricks." Edgeworth smiled gratefully as the unnerved expression slowly left his visage. "Thank you so much. I do believe that will be all."

"Sorry to have interrupted this _most_ _entertaining exercise_ in embarrassing both your fathers _to the extreme_ , children." The butler winked as he headed towards the door. "However, Mia, I do believe you were in the middle of explaining to the lovely lady what happened here tonight. As much as I would love to hear it myself, I profess my exhaustion from restoring things to proper order far outweighs my curiosity! I figure I can read all about the details in the accompanying story to the _dual homicide headline_ _in tomorrow's paper_!"

He chuckled as both men simultaneously turned ghostly white at the British wit, while Gumshoe erupted into helpless giggles alongside Eliete, who still couldn't help but think what _loco sentido del humor_ these _gringos_ had!

"I _jest_ , of course!" Hendricks bowed grandly then. "Rest assured, all tell-tale evidence has been abolished from the premises! On that note, I shall take my leave now, and bid you all good evening."

"Goodnight, Hendricks!" Everyone chorused, all except for Ace, whose chirp of " _Byee Hand-Dicks_!" Was a farewell parting entirely in a league of its own!

"Go ahead, Mia." Mila crossed her arms and smiled smugly. "It's time our Daddies know how I've been telling the truth all along, and that this was _all_ Gregory's fault!"

"It was not!" Gregory shrieked, right on cue, lunging at his sister.

"Is _too_!" Mila curled her hands into ready fists and waved them at her brother like a prize fighter.

Gumshoe literally had to come and stand between the struggling twins, with a ham-sized palm pressed tightly against each of their heads to prevent them from attacking one another!

" _Enough_!" Edgeworth shouted at his children, who sulkily stopped being in _fratricidal_ and _sororicidal_ mode then, but the police chief still remained at his post of standing between the two of them like a human Berlin Wall, just in case. "Mia, carry on. Uncle Phoenix and I will be the judge and jury about who's to blame once we finally hear this long overdue story!"

"OK, Uncle Miles, Daddy." Mia took a deep breath. " _This_ is what _really_ happened…"

* * *

 _Flashback earlier that evening…_

 _ **Mia Fey-Wright, Mila Edgeworth and Gregory Edgeworth**_ _  
Mila's Bedroom, Edgeworth Penthouse, Los Angeles_

"We are gonna look _so cool and grown-up_!" Mila squealed excitedly as she put the last streak of blue marker on her front bangs. "Mia, can you just make sure that the ends in the back are all covered too? I can't reach those!"

Her friend obliged and then stepped back to admire their shared handiwork.

"That is _so_ neat!" Mia exclaimed and clapped her hands. "It looks _just_ like your Mommy's hair color now!"

"It does _not_!" Gregory interrupted suddenly, swooping down as if from nowhere. " _Mommy's_ hair is more grayish blue, Mila. Yours just looks like a _Smurf peed all over it,_ or something."

"Ugh!" Mia wrinkled her nose. "That's disgusting!"

"It does _so_ look like Mommy's, _sie dumm fuhrt_!" Mila spun around and examined her reflection in her vanity mirror, then turned to face her brother with a scowl. " _I_ like it! You're just a _dumb, smelly boy_! What do _you_ know about beauty stuff anyway?"

"I don't need to know about _stupid girly stuff_ to know my colors!" Gregory folded his arms across his chest. "And I'm telling you that's _the wrong color blue_ if you're trying to look like Mommy! It's too bright and it looks _stupid_!"

"Your _face_ looks stupid!" Mila snapped back.

"Girls play the _lamest_ , _dumbest_ things!" He retorted with a sneer. "Why don't you guys come play something more _fun_ , with me?"

"Mia is _my_ friend and we're playing _beauty dress-up_ so get lost, _dummkopf_!" Mila glared at her twin. "Now get out of my room! Go play with Ace!"

"We were watching _Barney_ in my room, but then he got bored and just took off somewhere," Gregory shrugged. "So now I need someone to play with."

"Well, go _play in traffic_ then! Get lost, Gregory! No boys allowed!"

"But I'm _bored_!" he whined. "I don't want to play all by myself! Even _girls_ are better than _nothing_."

"Gee, _thanks a lot_!" Mia scowled at him.

"Well I guess _you're_ okay, for girl!" Gregory conceded with a silly grin, which she couldn't help but return. "Come on Mia, don't you want to do something _way funner_ , like play slip n' slide with me or something?"

"Slip n' slide?" Her eyes lit up with curiosity. "What's _that_?"

"Oh _it's so cool_! Come with me, and I'll show you!" Eagerly, he grabbed Mia by the hand and attempted to pull her away.

"Oh no, you don't!" Mila yelled, grabbing Mia's other hand so that the two of them were literally playing tug-of-war on each side of the poor girl as each tried to pull her into their own direction. "Mia is supposed to be playing with _me_!"

"She's _my_ friend too! It's not fair that _you_ get to _hog_ her _all the time_!"

"Time out! Guys, you're making _arms hurt_!" Mia exclaimed, finally pulling her hands free from each twin and shaking her arms dramatically. "Stop fighting, you two! I have an idea!"

She turned to Mila, then her brother, with earnest eyes.

"Mila I don't want to be mean to Gregory. Since Ace is pretty much still a baby, at home, I usually have nobody to play with either, and it kinda sucks, so I know how he feels! How about you and me keep playing dress-up for a little bit, while he sets up the slip n' slide, and then we can _all_ play? Is that cool?"

"I _guess_ that's OK," Mila admitted grumpily.

"Yeah that's _way_ fair," Gregory grinned happily. "I will go set up the slide now! You're the _best_ , Mia!" He suddenly reached out and gave her a huge squeeze, then planted a noisy kiss on her cheek. "I'll be right back!" Then he ran out of the room.

" _Eweth_ , he put his nasty _boy cooties all_ _over_ you!" Mila shuddered and offered her friend a tissue from her dresser. "Here, you want to wipe it off?"

She studied Mia's face, and realized that rather than looking _grossed out_ , the little girl wore a giddy smile and was clutching her cheek in one hand on the spot where Gregory had kissed her.

"Your brother's _sooo_ cute," she cooed, looking at the disgusted-looking Mila with starry eyes.

" _Blech_! No he's _not_! He _picks his nose_ and sometimes forgets to flush the toilet when he does _number two_!" Mila wrinkled her nose. "You _know_ he does everything he can to make my life miserable!" She looked at her friend's blushing face with a dismayed expression. " _Ick_! Don't tell me you _like_ him or something? Gregory's nothing more than a _dumb_ , _gross boy_!"

"He's nice to _me_ ," Mia mumbled. "Besides, he's not being dumb in this case and may have a point about your hair color being too bright to be like Aunt Franny's! Maybe we can make it _less_ bright somehow?"

" _Humph_!" Mila scrutinized her reflection in the mirror again. "I hate giving that _certified, grade-A, nimrod_ credit for _anything,_ but he _may_ have had a point," she grumbled. "Although, I do have an idea about how we can make my hair less bright. We're learning colors right now and the teacher says if you want to make a color paler, just _add white_!"

"That sounds great!" Mia enthused. "Hey can we also put some white in my hair, and add color after to make really cool pastel shades with the markers?"

"For sure!"

"But what will we use for white?"

"We have some powder in the guest bathroom! I'll be right back!"

As Mila ran out to get it, Gregory came back in, slowly unrolling an economy-sized roll of giftwrap from one end of the bedroom to the other, a bottle of baby oil in his free hand.

"This is going to be _so_ sweet!" He grinned, blowing a huge bubble with his gum, snapping it, and then sucking it back into his mouth with expertise as he began dribbling baby oil onto the paper.

"I wish _I_ knew how to blow bubbles," Mia said wistfully. "Every time _I_ try, I keep spitting it onto the ground!"

"Here, I brought you a piece," Gregory said shyly, reaching into his pocket and handing her a big, bright pink gumball. "Just chew it until it gets soft, and then I maybe I can teach you? It's really easy!"

"OK!" She popped the gumball into her mouth and smiled at him. "Thank you, Gregory."

"Anything for you, Mia." He flashed her a goofy grin and she ducked her head bashfully.

" _Yuck_! Jeepers, Mia, if you like my dork pie brother so much, _why don't you just marry him_?" Mila returned at that moment in time to catch the exchange between them, a huge bottle of baby powder in her hand, and a scowl on her face.

Mia blushed furiously.

"Maybe I _will_ ask her to marry me when I get bigger!" Gregory stuck out his tongue at his sister. " _Then_ she'll have to play with _me_ first, and _you_ second, _so there_!"

Mila looked horrified at the thought.

" _Gah_! _Please_ don't marry my _dorky, doodie-head_ brother," she begged her friend, her eyes wide with revulsion. " _Why_ would you want to _do_ that to yourself?!"

"Um, can we just go back to playing beauty dress-up?" Mia felt her cheeks turning pinker. "Gregory, why don't you set up the spin n' slide in the meantime?"

Mila cast a doubtful glance at the long roll of giftwrap stretching from one end to the other of her bedroom.

"You're going to do it _in here_?"

"Well, I know you don't like my room, because you're always saying it _smells like farts and dirty socks_ , so I figured if we all played in here everybody would be happy."

"Fine, go set it up, but don't bug us until we finish playing! I'm going to make Mia's hair white now."

"I like your hair the way it is, Mia. It looks pretty." Gregory scrunched up his face then. "So why you wanna make it go _white like an old lady_?"

"We are gonna add color marker to it _afterward_ , _dummkopf_!" Mila rolled her eyes. "And _then_ we are going to put on purple and red lipstick like grown-ups!"

"Mommy wouldn't let you wear makeup! She'd say you're too young!"

"Not _real_ makeup," Mia explained patiently and gestured to the box of colored candy coated chocolates on the dresser. "But if you lick the red or purple Smarties, and then rub it on your lips, it looks like you're wearing lipstick."

"Oh, OK. Anyway, is your gum soft yet?"

Mia chewed hard on the gumball in her mouth, and then shook her head.

"No, not yet."

"Keep chewing," he advised. "You have to make it soft enough so that you can flatten it with your teeth first and then stick your tongue through it."

Mia nodded and kept chomping. Gregory went and busied himself setting up his makeshift slide.

Mila opened the bottle of powder and slowly tapped the bottom until a small amount dusted onto Mia's head. The little girl sneezed at first, but then smiled as she looked in the mirror.

"Cool! It's really working! Once we make my hair white, I think I want to put red marker on it, to make it pink like the Pink Princess!"

Gregory tried to slide himself, stomach down, on the oiled wrapping paper but only succeeded in getting his T-shirt greasy and tearing a hole in the section of giftwrapping paper.

"Poop! That didn't work at all!" Frustrated, he tore off the ruined section and pulled the slightly shortened "slide" back a bit so that the end piece was now a tad further distance from the two girls, who were still in the process of adding more powder to Mia's hair.

 _I don't want to get my shirt and pants all dirty and oily! Mommy will get mad! I know! I'll just take off my pants and shirt, put the oil on my_ _ **body**_ _instead of the paper, and slide_ _ **that**_ _way! Mia will see how fun this is and how lame playing beauty shop is in comparison and wanna play with_ _ **me**_ _then!_

Yanking off his clothing, so he was wearing nothing but his underwear, Gregory figured the best way to go fastest and furthest on the slide would be to _take a running jump_ and then drop and slide onto his tummy.

Therefore, that was _just_ what he did, and the end result of all his efforts was that Gregory Edgeworth _careened at unstoppable_ _warp-10 speed_ on that greasy roll!

The boy ended up catapulting _headfirst_ into the tall Lego construction of the famous London bridge construction Mila and Edgeworth had made the week prior, and then right into his twin, who was standing right before it, and in front of Mia.

 _The London Bridge came falling down_ at the impacted force of the naked, save for his underwear, 5-year-old, 45-pound boy jetting towards it on an uncontrolled slippery surface.

The velocity of the crash made Mila stumble backward and bump into her toy box, knocking it over and emptying the vast contents onto the ground, just as Gregory skidded to a shaky stop right below Mia's feet.

The startled Smurfette-haired girl shrieked as the collision caused a _colorful rainbow of plastic blocks to begin raining_ _down_ on her and Mia, causing her to unconsciously squeeze the talcum powder harder, and unceremoniously _dump the entire contents of the bottle_ onto her friend's head, face, clothing, _and_ carpeting!

The additional dust going up her nose caused poor Mia to let out a huge sneeze, with the wad of now _very soft gum_ flying out of her mouth, and _into Gregory's hair_!

"Ow!" Gregory groaned. "My _head_!"

" _Schwachkopf_!" Mila screeched, her skipping rope/whip materializing as though from nowhere as she began whipping her brother furiously with it. " _Look_ what you made me _do_! My room is a _mess_! You ruined _everything_! I _hate_ you!"

"Well, if you had _just let me play with you in the first place_ …" Gregory groaned as he struggled to sit up and put his hands over his head to thwart the lashings, unknowingly smearing Mia's gum even further into his hair. "Ugh! This powder is everywhere! It's even on the _bed_!"

Mia looked into the mirror at her now _completely white face, hair and clothing_ and squealed in distress.

"Oh no! I don't look like The Pink Princess! I look like the _ghost of an old lady_!"

Staggering backward in shocked alarm, she accidentally stomped her full weight on poor Gregory's baby finger.

" _Owww_!" Gregory screamed, jerking his injured pinkie away and noted that it was a nasty, angry red. While not bleeding, it was slightly bruised from where the blood vessels had risen to the surface.

"Oh no! I'm so sorry!" Mia gasped, clapping her hands to her mouth as she then spotted the pink gum in her crush's platinum locks. " _Gregory_! My _gum_! It's all over your _hair_! Now I'm even _more_ sorry!"

" _Don't be sorry_!" Mila snapped. "This _all_ his fault! She grabbed a pair of her paper scissors from her desk and yanked at the gum-matted hair on her twin's head. "Now hold still, _dummkopf_ , I'm going to have to cut it out!"

"Are you _sure_ that's a good idea?" Mia asked nervously. "Maybe we should go get your Daddy or mine? I mean, what if you cut too much? You're not a hairdresser!"

"Yeah, Mila!" Gregory attempted to yank his head away from his sister's determined fingers. "Leggo my hair!"

"Well _you_ wanted to play with us, and _we_ were playing _beauty dress up_! Consider _this_ your beauty makeover!" The crafty smile on Mila's face as she yielded the scissors in the air was _downright_ _frightening_!

" _No_!" Gregory threw himself on the ground in his haste to get away, and clapped his hands over his head as he cowered face down on the carpet. "Go away! You're _mean! And_ my finger still hurts!"

Undaunted, Mila leaned over and grabbed the gum-laden piece of his hair again.

"Hold still," she instructed. "It's not _that_ big of a piece that I'm going to need to cut!"

However, the more she tried to keep a grip on his hair, the more Gregory insisted on jerking his head, trying to make her stop.

"Stop moving, you big cootie!" She ordered. "These scissors aren't as sharp as real ones _so I need to press down extra hard!_ Ima end up cutting off _more hair_ because your squirming is gonna make me _miss the spot_!"

"I can't watch this!" Mia covered her face with her hands as she saw _more and more_ flaxen chunks falling to the ground.

" _There_!" Mila finally announced triumphantly. "I got the gum piece out!" She had been so intent on her task that she hadn't realized that _half the hair_ on her brother's head was mostly gone until that moment, and as he shook his head, _additional chopped locks_ fell off! "Uh-oh…"

" _Uh-oh_?" Gregory looked at her with panic and clapped a hand to the side of his newly shorn head. "What did you _do_ to me, _sie hexe?!"_ Jumping to his feet, his wild eyes saw his reflection in the mirror for the first time. "I'm – I'm _bald_!"

"Not _quite_ …" Mila offered weakly, flushing guiltily. "It's just the _one side_ that's really short… In addition, it _will_ grow back… _Eventually…"_

"I hate you, you _fart pick_!" Gregory's face crumpled then, and he burst into tears. " _Look_ what you _did_ to me! _You made me all_ _**ugly**_!" He threw himself face-first on the ground and wept bitterly, despite the newly white-haired Mia's unsuccessful attempts to consolingly pat him on the shoulder.

"Stop making such a racket!" Mila cried. "Our Daddies are going to hear you, and then we'll _all_ get in trouble! Is _that_ what you want?!"

Gregory didn't appear to hear her, as he was too busy launching into full-blown, hysterical, _nuclear meltdown_ mode as he pounded his kicking feet and fists into the ground while screaming at an earsplitting decibel.

" _Wahhhh! I want my Mommy!"  
_

* * *

 _Back to the Present_

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth  
**_ _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

Gumshoe was at a complete loss for words when he heard about the equal opportunity guilt of the two partners in crime. He mumbled something about having to get back to his kids, and excused himself right then and there, lest he be asked to sit on the judge and jury tribunal!

There was a stunned silence in the living room as the fathers were finally able to piece together the catastrophic hair mystery at last.

Edgeworth turned to his best friend, obviously to get his take on the chain of events, but Phoenix wordlessly flopped onto the couch, Ace still in his arms, and dropped his head back against the cushions, unable to speak.

"And _that's_ the whole story," Mia finished, biting her lip and then looking over the twins. "Did I miss anything?"

They both shook their heads, their eyes on the floor.

"I cannot _believe_ you tried to pin this whole mess on your brother, Mila!" Edgeworth exclaimed at last, as he glowered at his daughter. "While Gregory is surely not blameless in this matter, he is hardly _the sole perpetrator of this crime_! I am _beyond_ disappointed in you, young lady!" With that, the prosecutor silently fell back onto his armchair and buried his head in his hands.

Nobody spoke. Both slumped-shouldered twins continued to look morosely at the ground.

"Playing dress-up," Eliete sighed, shaking her head in an understanding fashion. "I should have guessed. "My youngest daughter, Alia, is 11, and she used to love this sort of thing when she was younger. Of course, _she_ would limit her dressing up like Mommy to just trying to wear my real makeup and tottering around in my high heels, but… At least I know what substance your daughter has in her hair now, Señor Edgeworth."

Edgeworth mumbled something unintelligible in response.

"Mila, could you please go get me the box of the markers that you used on your hair?" The hairdresser asked the miserable looking little girl.

Edgeworth briefly looked up from his palms and affixed his daughter with his grimmest expression.

" _Mila Ema Franca Edgeworth_!" He said sternly. "Just so you know, you are going to be _grounded_ until you are old enough to get a driver's license! And when the time _does_ come to get your driver's license, _don't hold your breath_!"

"Yes, ma'am." Mila nodded meekly, and then slowly dragged her dejected form down the hall to her room.

"As for _you_ , Gregory Skylar Franz Edgeworth," Edgeworth continued, looking over his son and heaving a deep sigh. "I will be better able to focus on _your_ punishment once I _somewhat_ have you restored to a more _normal_ appearance, as right now you look like some _punk boy band member_ from the 80's and I can't think straight!"

He turned to look helplessly at the hairdresser.

"Eliete, is there _anything_ you can do?"

Mila returned at that moment and silently handed the Latina woman the package of Crayola markers, which the hairdresser studied intently, mumbling, and nodding to herself for a moment or two. Finally, she looked up with a reassuring smile on her face.

"First things first, be glad she did not use a Sharpie permanent marker, Señor. Edgeworth. These are just regular, scented children's markers, and I have professional clarifying shampoo to get out the majority of the color. After that, to make sure her strands aren't too damaged from such a deep washing ingredient, I will apply a Malibu treatment to it. Malibu treatments help to remove minerals and other oxidizing agents from the hair. These treatments are used in many beauty salons to help strip existing color out of the hair."

"How about these two?" Phoenix asked hopefully, pointing to his kids. "Victims of talcum powder and some kind of weird fruity body oil _to the head!_ Can they be helped?"

"Powder should just come out with a couple of washes of regular shampoo, but the oil might need the benefit of something stronger, like the Malibu treatment that I keep in my case," the stylist replied. "To be honest, Mia, Ace, and Mila will be among the easiest people to handle. _Gregory_ will be the biggest challenge. Señor. Edgeworth, my understanding is you are trying to keep all this evidence from this catastrophic event hidden from your wives, correct?"

Edgeworth nodded slowly and rubbed his temples.

"Well, the worst-case scenario with your daughter is that there _might_ be a _hint_ of blue marker left after my attempts to restore it back to its platinum blonde color. Even if that's the case, you might be able to even get away with telling _some of the truth_ , which is that Mila was trying to look pretty like her famous German Mommy."

A wry smile crossed the stylist's lips when Edgeworth looked surprised that Franziska's identity was recognized.

"I'm _very well aware_ of who your wife is, Señor Edgeworth. Franziska Von Karma's prodigal prosecution skills were _very well_ known back in the day, as was her _fierceness with that whip of hers_!" Eliete tittered softly. "I'm thinking what's good for the goose is good for the gander. You might be able to soften the blow of your son's impromptu makeover – and possibly that whip of hers! – by claiming that _Gregory_ , in turn, wanted to get a haircut, _just like his Daddy_."

Edgeworth looked at her blankly.

"I am afraid I am not following you. I did not cut my hair."

" _Yet_." Phoenix inserted, biting back an amused smile as the realization of what was being suggested dawned upon him. The knowledge then sank into his best friend, as evidenced by the _growing look of horror_ on Edgeworth's face as he shook his head violently.

"No! You cannot be _serious_!" He raked a hand through his signature long bangs, where even the shortest pieces fell to the bottom of his chiseled square jawline. "I _cannot_ cut my hair! I have had this style for _as long as I can remember_!"

"That's all the more reason you're due for a change!" Eliete coaxed cheerfully. "What is the problem with getting a makeover, Señor Edgeworth? I'm sure your wife will be happy to see more of that _rostro hermoso_ of yours, no?"

"Daddy," Gregory said softly. "I know I'm still gonna be in trouble for everything that happened tonight, but…the reason I was so sad about getting my hair chopped off like that was I _liked_ having _long bangs like you_! Now, my hair is going be short, but it won't be so bad… if I could _still_ manage to look like my handsome Daddy."

" _Ngh_!" Edgeworth moaned and twirled a silky ash-colored lock of hair around his finger, looking at it mournfully, even though Phoenix and the hairdresser could hear him completely wavering under the weight of his son's words.

"Come on, Edgy!" Phoenix flashed his friend his best shit-eating grin. "You've had more than two decades of having a _bird on your head_! Besides, it'll grow back!"

Edgeworth glared at him.

"I don't see _you_ rushing towards the shears to be cutting off those _ridiculous_ _porcupine spikes_ of yours, Wright!"

"I _could_ do it if want me to Señor Wright," Eliete offered. "It would break my daughter's heart of course, as she's a big fan of that pointy hair …"

"Heh, heh, so is _my wife_." Phoenix chuckled and put a protective hand over his trademark spikes. "Perhaps I _would_ cut them if I were trying to match _my_ son's hairdo, Edgeworth. However, as you see, even with the greasy weight of _whatever crazy oily substance_ you had in that mystery black bottle of yours, Ace's spikes, which are a chip off the old block, are still _very much prominent,_ and I'm happy to keep it that way!"

Eliete reached into her travelling case then and whipped out her comb and shears. Smiling mischievously at Gregory, who had climbed up onto his father's lap on the recliner, and then at the chief prosecutor, she made a snipping motion with the scissors, and looked expectantly at the two Edgeworth males.

"So, who's up first?"

A soft whimpering sound emitted from the armchair in response to the question.

And it wasn't from Gregory.

* * *

 **Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!**

 **Chapter 8**

 **Yanmegaman**

 _Ah, Gregory Edgeworth always was my favorite Disney princess._

I'm not gonna lie dude… Nearly did a spit take on that one! I guess it shall remain an enigma how that mystery item came to play in little hands… Ironically if the twins had try to put the handcuffs around their hands the wrist would've been too tiny! Yeah Bill Nye wonderful things he did for the world of science… But nobody wants to see what lies beneath that lab coat! LOL

 **Ilet Moratar**

I think the moral of this whole story, is that obviously Franziska loves to dance and my head Canon is that her and Miles would've been trained in every possible kind of dance including ballroom, so Edgeworth just needs to take a sexy ass on the dance floor with his hot wife so indeed he can say to her: _"You and I are going to dance now until tomorrow"._

I truly am having a blast writing Ema, and I can imagine her love of science getting her into trouble throughout her life… Said _spaghetti incident_ is proof of such! XD

You know it's really interesting, your suggestion about Gregory seeking a career in the arts and Mila being a hairdresser, because I don't think anything would kill Edgeworth more than seeing his children not be lawyers. Truly if there is enough reader interest, I may do a short story or attempted one-shot into the next generation that I started in the story… Where they wind up in the future! I don't know about Mila being a hairdresser though… She's more of a ham, I would throw her ass onto a Broadway stage her poor brother's hair is proof that she is _so_ not good at this hair thing! XD

 **DannyDragon**

I see from your flag that you are probably a native Spanish speaker therefore thank you very much for praising my Spanish! The idea of a little blond boy doing ballet moves in a pink dress – not magenta! – With a 80s punk rocker hairdo was just an image I could not resist succumbing to! I'm so happy you like this gift for my dear friend and get my silly humor and I am blown away by how much love this goofy little story has gotten and I hope you enjoyed this chapter :-)

 **Forgreatcoffee**

I don't think Miles ever _intends_ to be stuck up or overly prideful, as in the Miles games, he's always genuinely bewildered whenever people accuse him of looking grumpy or glaring. I honestly just think it's that he can't leave his dignified chief prosecutor persona at the office and it carries into his personal life, as exemplified at the end of dual destinies when Nick had to _prompt_ him to smile! _*Be still my heart though when he finally did! Swoon!*_ XD

Gummy loves Edgy and would not be so vengeful… After all since Edgeworth no longer is in a position of power over him, I think he would just punch him in the face! :p

I wonder if Klavier would forgive Ema's _scientific curiosity_ if he ever found out about her tipping… After all it _was_ for science and that's a story she sticking to!

As for Simon… I cannot even imagine being the Netflix wrap the had to deal with the twisted samurai's phone call, or worse in person visit…*shudders*

I don't think it's so much that he thought Gregory was on a path to cross-dressing or being a transvestite, as much as he wants to discourage his children actually pursuing a career in the arts… also 5 years old is _way_ too early to start being a drag queen! LOL

 **Chapter 7**

 **Ilet Moratar**

I do hope your little one appreciates the story as much as her mama does! I hope by this point she does know that she had a cameo in chapter 9 even if it was just as an honorable mention! Yeah I doubt even Mrs. Doubtfire could handle these _los cuatro demonios!_

Absolutely this is the ultimate _take that_ that Maya and Franziska could've given their husbands, which Nick actually did acknowledge in this chapter… Here's one for you… What he and miles actually be able to eat humble pie and admit that _out loud_ though? XD


	10. Karmic Retribution of Not-So-Rico Suave

_A/N: I would like to sincerely apologize for my bad Spanish in advance...I am at the mercy of Google Translator..._

 _Dedicated to Ilet Moratar's daughter Luffy, mi hermosa hermana, who may find the character of Eliete the hairdresser's daughter seems awfully familiar..._

* * *

 **Chapter Ten: The Karmic Retribution of Not-So-Rico Suave**

 ** _Phoenix Wright, Miles Edgeworth and Come Blo Me Cavalry  
_** _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_

"Edgeworth, I don't see why you're being so stubborn about this!" Phoenix was beyond exasperated. "Don't you think you're acting a _little_ bit overly melodramatic here?" He waved the hairdresser's proffered hand mirror at the petulant, tightlipped man for the hundredth time, but the prosecutor grumpily turned his head and swatted it away.

" _Me_? Melodramatic? That's quite rich, coming from _you_ , of _all_ people!" The blue attorney was subjected to a lethal glare that could've bored holes through a wall, and he put up his hands in surrender as Edgeworth continued in his tirade.

"We have _two_ ears and _one_ mouth for a _reason, which obviously_ eludes _you,_ Wright as you've been _jabbering_ incessantly rather than _listening_ to a blasted thing I've been saying!" The magenta-clad man snapped fiercely, making Phoenix gulp at how _super_ pissed his friend sounded.

 _I think I **preferred Edgeworth's demeanor** prior to and during his haircut, when my now scathing friend was merely sadly, but quietly, whimpering! Now that said hair's actually cut, he's just flat out… **meaner**! Well, more than **usual** , anyway..._

"Um, _what_ was it you wanted me to take note of, again?" He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

"I kindly ask that you _heed my words_ as I _needlessly_ _repeat_ _myself_ for the _final_ and _umpteenth_ time!" The prosecutor crossed his arms over his chest. "I _said_ I wasn't going to look and I bloody well _meant_ it! What's _done is done._ There is moot point in me further scrutinizing my _newly shorn_ mane to verify that my hair, as I have _long since known_ it, is _no longer there_!"

 _Jesus Christ he's speaking with the same mournfulness as a man who's a lost **limb** , rather than a **mere 4 to 5 inches** of length off his **bangs**!_ The defense attorney thought with embarrassed demurral, flashing a weak smile at the apprehensive-looking hairdresser next to him, as the expression of misery on her client's face hadn't wavered, even marginally, in the last thirty minutes since the cut.

 _Dammit_ _Edgeworth, it's not the end of the world!_ Phoenix wanted to yell. _So you got **a** hair cut! OK fine, **a lot** of **hair,** **cut**! I admit... **bad** joke! But it's actually a **good** haircut ...if only you'd stop being so balky and bull-headed and just see for yourself!_

While his best friend's formerly long, frontal hairpieces _were_ a good deal shorter than his signature previous chin-length, Phoenix actually thought the new hairstyle was a vast improvement, but had no idea how to _voice_ this, lest his head get bitten off _again_!

True, the new haircut _was_ noticeable, but nowhere near as dramatic, or even terrible, as its owner was making it out to be! While Edgeworth's charcoal fringe no longer hung in his face as it had for the last _three decades,_ it _could_ still be parted in the middle, as it always had. The newly cut bangs instead now fell just up to his eyebrows, so that you could clearly see the previously obscured high cheekbones and angular jaw – the appearance of the _latter_ being further enhanced by the fact that the chief prosecutor was most _petulantly jutting out his chin_ at the moment, while sulkily slumped in his armchair!

Eliete had initially wanted to go with a shorter fauxhawk hairstyle, which would've been a bit closer to the adorable new crew cut that little Gregory was now sporting, but had hastily retracted the suggestion when she had seen the merest hint of _glistening_ in the normally composed grey eyes, which the spectacles had been unable to hide.

"He's a tough man to please," Phoenix murmured apologetically in Eliete's ear. "And he's never been one to embrace change whatsoever. However, _I_ personally _cannot thank you enough_ for restoring our children back to normalcy! Truly, you are a miracle worker of your craft!"

The comely Latina smiled gratefully at the praise, even though Phoenix had been wholly sincere and not merely paying lip service. In all actuality, the spiky-haired man spoke with absolute justice, as there no longer was _any_ evidence, aside from Gregory and his father's haircuts, that anything had ever been awry with the appearances of the children. Mia's hair was reinstated to its lovely, taffy-colored hue; her skin and tresses fully free of white powder now, and little Ace, while still in his makeshift cashmere onesie, was freshly washed and bathed, with no oily telltale traces left behind whatsoever.

" _Mein Gott_ , Mia!" Mila suddenly exclaimed with disgust. "Aren't you getting _sick and tired_ of rubbing my brother's _stupid head **yet**_?!"

"Not stupid Mee-la! Hair nice!" Ace squealed in approval and clamored to the blond boy's other side on the couch and began rubbing the half of his head which was not currently occupied by his older sister's fingers. "Me likey!"

The former Smurf-haired, newly restored blonde-haired girl rolled her eyes in response as she emulated her father's slouched over defensive posture on the sofa, but said nothing.

"There are only two honest types of people in this world!" The hairdresser giggled at the toddler's enthusiasm. " _Children and drunk people_! I shall take your son's approval as the highest praise indeed, Señor Wright!"

Eliete had been altogether successful with satisfying her other client that night, as the younger male Edgeworth seemed to absolutely love his new hairstyle, which showed off his huge grey eyes and elfin features much better than his previously shaggy bowl cut had. At the moment, Gregory was sandwiched between both Ace and Mia on the sofa, grinning from ear to ear as she rubbed the platinum fuzz on top of his head, while cooing about how _soft_ it was now and how he looked like "an army man."

"It makes you look so much older and _sophistimicated_!" Phoenix's daughter told Edgeworth's son as she stroked her crush's head for the umpteenth time, while he happily nuzzled against her hand like a puppy being petted. "No more _kindergarten baby_ for you! You could _totally_ pass for _first grader_ now, you know!"

"Pardon me while I go away and puke," Mila muttered, leaping to her feet as she heard a knock at the door, and raced to answer it, eager for an excuse to get away from the pint sized _goo-birds_!

The little girl opened the door to find a stunning, Latina, college-aged girl standing there, no more than twenty, with the same flawless tanned skin, willowy figure, and features as Eliete, with the only differences being her long hair had more golden highlights, and her long lashed, wide set eyes were aquamarine rather than brown.

" _Hola_!" The girl greeted Mila with a dazzling smile. "I'm Leia. I'm here to pick up my mom, Eliete. The doorman told me to come right up."

 _I guess that lecherous old coot's concern for the safety of my family played a secondary role to appearing chivalrously gallant and easygoing when confronted with an fetching female, seeing as how he merely waved her right in, rather than calling up here to check with me first, as he should've done!_ Edgeworth grumbled to himself. _That's not merely **one** , but now **two** unfamiliar women that nosy little gossip has witnessed coming up to the penthouse this evening! It will cost me **a king's ransom** to bribe him for his silence about this, I'm sure of it! Yet another example of how this **hellacious night** has cost me **a bloody fortune!**_

"Please come in," Mila said politely. "Everyone is in the living room…"

"Are you _sure_ you don't want me to give you _a little trim_ as well, Señor Wright?" Eliete was saying to Phoenix, a devilish twinkle in her dark eyes as she playfully advanced on him, while waving her shears. "You see how even _more handsome_ I made the two Edgeworth men here!"

" _Gracias_ but _no gracias_!" The defense attorney shook his head obstinately as he slowly backed away, putting his hands in front of him defensively, as though she were going to attack him with her scissors. "You did a great job coinciding Gregory and his dad's cuts, but I don't want _my_ son having a different haircut from _his_ Daddy! Besides that, my wife would _kill_ me! Maya loves these spikes of mine!"

" _Alto, mami_!" Leia cried, rushing past the bewildered Mila wearing an expression of genuine horror. Without warning, she came and stood right behind Phoenix, protectively clapping her hands over the back of his head, as though trying to shield his spikes from her mother as she continued to shout in Spanish. " _Aléjate de Wright!_!"

Phoenix stiffened slightly, but remained frozen in place, too shocked to react, although his flabbergasted mind vaguely registered that the high-speed _blur_ that had zipped over had resembled, unless he was _losing his cotton-pickin' mind_ , a younger version of _Gisele Bündchen!_

The blue attorney felt himself blushing furiously at being in such _up close and personal_ proximity to a strange _and attractive_ female, even if she _was_ **_half his age_** _!_ After all, how often did _international supermodel doppelgängers_ come and press their _young, nubile physiques_ up against his _very married_ body?!

Phoenix felt the first beads of nervous sweat growing at his temples. He had _never_ been the _Don Juan Demarco_ sort with women, so _playing it cool_ was _obviously out of the question_! He also dimly acknowledged that while he felt _slightly_ guilty for not managing to _raise an objection_ to Leia's _imminent proximity_ , he also couldn't _lie to himself_ and claim the experience was _altogether horrendous!_ Regardless of the fact that he was blissfully wedded, Eliete's daughter was just as much a beauty as her mother, and after all…he _was_ _still a **man!**_

As though suddenly realizing her unseemly behavior, Leia abruptly removed the front of her body, which had been _plastered_ against the back of his, and gave a squawk of dismay.

" _Dios Mio_!" The striking young woman gasped with mortification, immediately shifting to come stand before him and gazing at him with pleading eyes. " _Lo siento, Señor Wright_! I must have taken temporary leave of my senses to act in such a manner! However, I was merely trying to prevent a tragedy from occurring! I simply _cannot_ let _mi mami_ near you with those _butchering_ shears of hers!"

"Leia, pull yourself together!" Eliete chided, seeming more nonplussed than annoyed with her daughter's antics. "¿Será possible? What madness is this? First of all, I have never cut anybody's hair _against their will_ in my life, and for another, if Señor Wright _does_ opt for a _trim_ , that is _none of your concern_! After all, he _is_ a grown man, and I _am_ a _licensed hair professional_!"

"A _hair_ _professional_ who still has _no idea_ what the concept of a _trim_ actually is!" Leia exclaimed indignantly, whirling around to around to face the hairdresser, but protectively flinging her arms out to the sides in front of Phoenix as she did so. " _I_ know _firsthand_ what your idea of _a trim_ is! Do you remember when I was a little girl and you cut my bangs _como un cepillo de baño_!"

Edgeworth snapped out of his self-pitying stupor then, and felt his ears perk up at the sound of this colorful description.

 _She cut her daughter's bangs so terribly they resembled **a toilet brush?**!_

" _Leia_!" Eliete looked aghast. " _¡Niña, ese no es modo de hablar!_ And for the record, I did _no_ such thing!"

" _¡Es verdad, mami! "_ Leia insisted, gesturing at Mia. "I was no older than that _linda niñita_ over there and I _still_ remember how the kids made fun of me and that it took _forever_ for my bangs to grow out! _¿Y pretendes cortarle así el pelo a mi ídolo? ¡Se verá lindo, una chocha!"_

Deafening silence followed the statement, which was comprehensible to nobody but the two women in the room, or so Phoenix thought. The dazed and confused man's eyes helplessly went back and forth between the hairdresser and her daughter, suddenly wishing he'd paid more attention in high school Spanish class.

"Um… Translation, please?" Phoenix said weakly, feeling is lost as last year's Easter egg.

" _Por favor no lo hagas_!" Edgeworth coughed slightly as he walked over to the two women and stared pointedly at Leia. "In the presence of our young children and my friend's _oídos inocentes, señorita_ , spare us the translation, which no doubt sounds _much worse en inglés_!"

Phoenix had been so taken aback by the younger woman's presence that he had _altogether forgotten_ his friend was also fluent in the language. As Leia turned around to face him once more, he felt his face burning _yet again_ as she clasped his hand, attempting to shake it and introduce herself in a more normal fashion.

 _"¿Es real, mi Dios!"_ She breathed. " _Estoy viendo a Phoenix, es más amable de lo que imaginaba! Y se me ocurrió venir con este pelo desordenado..."_ She self-consciously ran graceful long fingers through her tousled waves and stared deeply into his eyes. _"Mi nombre es Leia, Señor Wright. Me disculpo, hablo español cuando me pongo nervioso…"_

" _Él no habla español_." Edgeworth cleared his throat, and smirked at his red-faced friend who was lost in the gaze of the beautiful young woman standing in front of him. " _Y creo que mi amigo es incapaz de hablar ahora mismo en cualquier idioma!"_

"I hope I did not make you uncomfortable, Señor Wright." Leia implored, her small hand still holding Phoenix's own sweaty one. While he somehow managed to return the handshake, his lips still were _entirely incapable_ of speaking a complete sentence in _any language whatsoever_! (Which, unknownst to him, was _exactly_ what Edgeworth had just indicated!) "But it is not _every_ _day_ that I get to meet _the legendary Phoenix Wright!"_

Phoenix wracked his brain for something – _anything_! – to say in response, but despite being beyond flattered by such reverence, found himself beyond speechless by his own bashful admiration of the lovely young woman. He mentally kicked himself for his _not so Rico Suave_ behavior.

 _Why must I regress to being a **lame-ass num-nut** whenever I'm around good-looking women, even at **this** point in my life?! _ He silently screamed _. I may as well be back in my pitiful, crybaby, pink sweater college days! No doubt, this is my **payback** for **mocking Edgeworth's doofus actions** when he first met Eliete earlier this evening … **turnabout karmic retribution**!_

He could only muster a gawky grin in response. Undaunted by his silence, Leia kept rambling, nearly tripping over her words in her excitement.

"I was just so self-conscious about _my hair_ just now… I had _no id_ ea when I finished my last client appointment and came to collect my mother just now, that _you_ of all people would be here!" She gushed. "It is _such_ an honor to meet you in person, and see that you are _just as handsome,_ up close, as you are when I have seen you in the courtroom and on television."

Phoenix tried to chuckle appreciatively, but only wound up sounding like a cat hacking up a fur ball instead. Across from him, beside Eliete, Edgeworth actually emitted something that sounded _suspiciously_ like a barely stifled _snort_ , but when he glared at the prosecutor, his friend merely smiled innocently and pretended to be masking a cough.

"I cannot _wait_ to tell my little sister Alia, that I got to actually _meet_ you!" Leia's star-struck expression was one of pure wonder as she drew even nearer, causing the poor man's temples to sweat even more profusely. "Can I tell you right now that standing _this close to you_ is the _biggest thrill_ I've _ever_ _had in my whole_ life?"

 _God help me…_ Phoenix gulped and managed to muster an embarrassed grin in response as he jammed his hands into his pants pockets. _If you stand any closer, I won't be able feel my house keys…_

"I – um…yes…" he stammered, like a _complete_ _dumbass_ , as he tried desperately to string together a sentence, but _failed miserably_.

At last realizing that Phoenix had literally spoken barely three words to her since their introduction, Leia stopped speaking and regarded him with a puzzled expression, obviously uncertain of what to make of his tongue-tied silence.

Mia chose this exact moment to come join the adults, pulling Ace by the hand along with her.

" _Hola_!" She chirped, beaming up at Leia. "My name is Mia, and this is my baby brother Ace. We're Mr. Wright's kids! It's nice to meet you, Leia. I see my Daddy is having the same problem with you that Uncle Miles had with your mommy, so I'm going to tell you what I told her – they _both_ get really shy and can't talk easy around pretty ladies, so don't feel bad! It's not your fault!"

Edgeworth let out a small moan of embarrassment at the reminder.

 _Someone. Please. Kill. Me. **Now**! _ Phoenix mentally face palmed at the humiliating explanation given by his miniature defense attorney. _Thanks **a heap** , Princess! Leia's one member of the Phoenix Wright fan club who now undoubtedly thinks the **fantasy** of me was undoubtedly **much cooler** than the **reality**!_

" _Gracias,_ _preciosa_ _."_ Leia let out a tinkling laugh and squatted down so that she was eye level with both Mia and Ace, aqua orbs sparkling. They lit up further at the sight of her idol's miniature clone, who smiled shyly at her. " _Dios Mio_! _Su niñito_ bares an _identical_ resemblance to _you_ , Señor Wright – the same spikes and _everything_! Like a _tiny little hedgehog_!"

"Um, _gracias_?" Phoenix finally managed to get out, scooping his son up into his arms and reaching down to put an arm around Mia's shoulders, smiling uncertainly. "I've been told he's a mini-me on countless occasions, although I can't say I've ever heard it quite in _those words_ before…"

"I meant _Sonic_ the Hedgehog, the adorable video game character, _not_ the animal!" Leia explained hastily, looking flustered. "Silly me, tripping over my own words! What I meant to say, Señor Wright, is that _both_ your children are _beautiful_. Yours too, Señor Edgeworth." She graciously inclined her head towards the newly-coiffed man. "I'm sure by now you know my mother is a _big_ _fan_ of yours, as well, and having now met you in person, I absolutely _cannot_ fault her for her admiration."

The surprised prosecutor, who had been smiling smugly at his best friend's obvious embarrassed discomfort at such blatant adoration, suddenly turned crimson and managed to mumble something garbled that loosely resembled a _thank you,_ as he jammed his hands into his pockets and shuffled his feet.

 _Smooth as sandpaper, Edgeworth!_ It was Phoenix's turn to smirk now. _It's so comforting to see that I'm **not** the **only one** to be reduced to dorky schoolboy status around the ladies!_

"Please excuse my inquisitive nature, but _what on earth_ happened to make my mother have to do a last-minute house call?" Leia inquired, glancing back and forth at the two attorneys with inquisitive eyes. The men remained silent, their reddened faces both downcast, and so she turned to her mother and repeated the query in her native tongue.

Eliete somehow managed to give her daughter the condensed version of the night's events in a rapid smattering of Spanish. Whatever was relayed caused the younger woman to burst into a fresh fit of giggles, and Edgeworth's cheeks to turn even redder, as he undoubtedly understood the whole thing.

"To my understanding, based on what my mother has told me," Leia began slowly. "It seems a lot of this happened simply because _tus hijas_ were unable to play their desired game of beauty school and makeup…"

"That is _absolutely_ what happened!" Mila piped up, rushing over to the new visitor, effusively bobbing her head up and down in agreement. " _See_ , Daddy?! Even _Leia_ can see how this was totally my _dummkopf_ brother's fault for interrupting!"

"It was _not_!" Gregory yelled, following his sister over to the group and putting his hands on his hips. "When are you going to admit that a lot of this happened tonight because _you_ completely _suck and stuff?_!"

"That's _enough_ , both of you!" Edgeworth ordered, glowering so sternly at both his children that they reluctantly quieted down. "We barely survived tonight by the skin of our teeth, and I refuse to be dragged into yet _another_ cockamamie rendition of your who's to blame game, is that clear? As far as I'm concerned, you're _both_ grounded until… The day this nation has a _female president_ in the Oval Office!"

"So basically _for life_ ," Gregory muttered under his breath, folding his arms across his chest and sulking, with his twin mumbling back that he was a _sexist jerk face!_

"Anyhow, Señor Edgeworth, as entertaining as this evening has been, I'm afraid we need to be going now," Eliete announced, dropping her shears back into her carrying kit. "I have an eleven-year-old at home whose babysitter needs to be relieved of their duties, and my daughter and I both have an early-morning client tomorrow." She smilingly presented the magenta-clad man with a handwritten invoice. "This is for my services tonight; I take cash, cheque or credit card."

Edgeworth took one gander at the astronomical figure on the paper and turned as white as the sheet it was written on.

 _Lord have mercy!_ He thought discontentedly. _I could have put a **down payment on a new Alfa Romeo** for **cheaper than this**!_

Flashing a sickly grin at the expectantly beaming hairdresser, the prosecutor then turned to his pensive-looking best friend and treated him to a ferocious glare.

"You _do_ realize you're splitting this bill with me, _don't you_ , Wright?" He asked coldly.

 _"W-What?!_ " Phoenix yelped, his eyes nearly popping out of his skull as the color drained from his face. "What for!? What did _I_ – er, _we_ do?!"

"Eliete tended to _your_ children's hair mishaps as well!"

" _B – But_ …" The defense attorney appeared positively _ill_ at the notion, his formerly pale face now turning green.

"Actually Señor Edgeworth, I did _not_ charge Señor Wright for his children," Eliete interrupted pleasantly. "I had already opened the treatment required to strip the blue from your daughter's hair, so I really didn't need to use any other product to wash the oil and powder from Ace and Mia's scalps." She smiled kindly at the visible relief on Phoenix's face. "I imagine much like your son, _your_ spikes are as gravity resistant as his? Even when they were wet with water, they did not flatten for more than a second before they bounced right back up into place!"

"Oh _thank God_!" Phoenix blurted out, as the color returned to his face. " _Muchas gracias_ , Eliete! You're an absolute _angel_!"

 _With this reprieve, I can thankfully still afford to send my children to university!_

"Yes, yes, _as always_ , God _and_ luck are on your side Wright," Edgeworth grumbled as he returned back to the group from the living room with a cheque in his hand, which he slowly, and _painfully_ , presented to the hairdresser, barely stifling his grimace as he did so. " _As per usual_ , it appears that _you_ seem to have gotten away with the events of this evening _completely unscathed_ , whereas _I_ could have undoubtedly _fed an entire family_ in _Guatemala_ for _the next decade_ with what this evening has cost me!"

" _Hey_!" Phoenix retorted indignantly. "It seems your memory is failing with old age, Edgeworth! Would you like a refresher course in history with how _I've_ already _done my time_ being fortune's fool?"

Edgeworth suddenly appeared shamefaced as the ire slowly dropped from his expression and the weight of the words sunk in.

" _No_ ," he mumbled. "Although for the record, Wright, we are _the exact same age_!"

Leia and Eliete stared back and forth at the two attorneys with a combination of amusement and perplexity.

"Do you think they're always like this, _mami_?" The young woman asked in a stage whisper, with the hairdresser attempting to shush her daughter in lieu of response.

"You mean fighting like they're in court, even though they're not?" Gregory offered helpfully, not even pretending he hadn't been eavesdropping.

"Or bickering like an old married couple?" Mila added innocently, nodding her head vigorously in affirmation. "Because the answer to _both_ would be yes! Or _si_ , in your language, I think…"

As if on cue, both men went completely silent and simultaneously turned scarlet.

"Sorry," they both mumbled sheepishly as both women cracked up, unable to contain their mirth anymore.

"You all should have your own comedy show!" Leia was doubled over with laughter, clutching her arms across her stomach as she did so.

"Like I said, we really _do_ have to get going." Eliete smiled sweetly at the group. "I am doing the hair and my daughter is doing the makeup for a _very finicky and temperamental_ client's big magician show tomorrow. We ended up getting the job last-minute because every other makeup artist and hair stylist in Los Angeles has refused to work with the _not so sweetie_ , Max Galactica!"

"However, before we go, I would like to give you a parting gift." Leia rummaged into her purse and produced a small black beauty bag, which she handed over to Mila with a flourish, who accepted it eagerly while she burbled her thanks. "This is my _on the go_ makeup starter kit. Since the girls never got a chance to finish playing beauty school, I thought I would give them a chance to resume their fun, with the professional tools of the trade! Now _both_ you girls can be makeup artists!"

"That's very kind of you, but we couldn't possibly accept that!" Phoenix protested, although greatly touched by the generosity of the offer.

"I _insist_!" Leia dismissed his words with a wave of her hand. "I'm a makeup artist, Señor Wright, so I have _plenty_ more where that came from! Besides, I like the idea of leaving behind something for _you_ to _remember me by_!" She reached for the door handle then and flashed a saucy wink at the blue attorney. "Don't worry, for _you_ , _papi_ , this is a _gift_ , not a _loan_! _No charge_!"

The sight of the pulchritudinous Latina's innocuous, flirtatious gesture reduced the defense attorney once again to a shy, tongue-tied state. Shaking his head at the realization this meant that _he_ now needed to take over the conversation, Edgeworth heaved a resigned sigh while reaching over to shake both women's hands.

"We _just_ got these children cleaned up, so it would be completely impractical to dirty their faces all over again," he explained cordially. "So I'm afraid your idea, Leia, as well-intentioned as it was, will not be able to come to fruition."

"I never meant for the girls to practice on _themselves_ , Señor Edgeworth!" It was the prosecutor's turn to be treated to a sassy wink now as the makeup artist followed her mother out the door. "But I cannot think of a better way to keep these children _occupied and out of trouble_ until your wives return! I'm thinking you and Señor Wright may need to get creative _with whom tus niños use_ as their _practice makeup clients_! _Hasta la vista, le diablos guapo_!"

" _Mucho gusto! ¡Hasta luego!"_ Eliete called over her shoulder with a final wave.

 _"Chao, mango_!" At the last minutes, without warning, Leia suddenly turned and gave the still red-faced Phoenix Wright a loud, smacking farewell kiss on the cheek, morphing him from a mere _tomato_ into a _boiled lobster_!

Then they were both gone.

There was a terse silence in the room as the two attorneys regarded one another with mounting dread as the realization of what Leia had been suggesting hit home.

"You _don't think_ …" Phoenix began incredulously just as Edgeworth croaked, "She couldn't _possibly_ have _meant_ …!"

" _Yay_!" Ace screamed excitedly as he watched both Mia and Mila tear into the makeup bag and dump the contents onto the carpet. "Pretty colors!"

"I get to put that magenta stuff on Daddy's cheeks!" Gregory declared. "After all, Mila, _you owe me_ for nearly _scalping me_ earlier!"

" _Fine_! But _I'm_ doing his lips! Wow! Check out at this _lipstick_ , Daddy!" Mila exclaimed, waving a bubblegum pink tube in the air. "It's the same color as your suit! It will _totally_ go with your outfit!"

"And this nice blue eye shadow will match _your_ eyes, Daddy!" Mia beamed, holding up an electric blue box that rivalled her friend's previous hair color on the brightness scale. "This will be _so much fun_!"

Edgeworth stared at Phoenix. Phoenix stared at Edgeworth. Both attorneys wore identical expressions of horror on their faces, and for once, their thoughts were _one and the same_.

 _We're doomed…_

* * *

 _A/N: If anyone is interested in seeing what Miles' new haircut looks like, as well as the ultimate Wrightworth bromance photo, ever, check this out:_ ** _i dot imgur dot com slash xxFCBRy dot jpg_**


	11. Turnabout Triumph

_A/N: I'm a woman of my word guys. Here it is, the final chapter. This is a bittersweet feeling, as it's been such a blast torturing the DILFs, and because I fell in love with these four little mischievous house apes, I really did. If there's any interest in a short, Ace Attorney Kids, The Next Generation story, or even just a little epilogue for this one, drop me a line and let me know, and thanks so much to everyone for reading! Enjoy!_

* * *

 **Chapter Eleven:** **Turnabout Triumph**

 _ **Franziska Von-Edgeworth and Maya Fey-Wright**_  
 _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_  
June 22, 2034 3:00 AM

"Ema has got to be the luckiest girl in the entire world that Bill Thigh, The Science Guy, actually agreed to see her backstage, _especially_ after the stunt _you_ pulled with the _gigantic blowup dong_ on his colleague!" Maya tittered as she and the still extremely tipsy Franziska entered the elevator in the lobby. "I do believe his exact words were, ' _I will talk to the cute brunette in the lab coat, but I am staying far away from her_ _ **scary, dick-wielding, friend'**_!"

"Humph! I agree the _context_ if you did not know _what_ he was referring to is amusing, _somewhat,"_ Franziska conceded, trying to look irritated but failing as she too dissolved into giggles. "What a cowardly foolish fool of a man to be afraid of a woman of such small stature as myself! As if _anyone_ , in the history of mankind, had actually _ever_ been _severely injured_ by an inflatable phallic shaped object!"

"Only their _pride_!" Maya couldn't stop laughing. "I almost feel sorry for poor Zorro! You're quite the fearsome legend at The Ballroom now you know! Even though you made _quite a different kind of lasting impression_ on Magic Ike…"

" _Objection_!" Franziska blushed. "It was due to my intoxicated state and emotional connection to the music playing at the time, that I took _temporary_ leave of my senses which resulted in my _Dirty Dancing_ on stage with him! However, as far as _my husband or anyone else knows_ , it _never_ _happened_! And there is absolutely no _evidence_ that ever did!"

 _She'd better hope and pray that Ema drunkenly erased that video footage off her cell phone at some point tonight!_ Maya bit back a knowing smile. _**My**_ _lips are zipped though – about_ _ **all**_ _of it!_

"You're right – no evidence _whatsoever_ ," the spirit medium replied serenely. "But for the record, you have definitely earned _the respect via fear_ method at that establishment! Your stage dancing partner notwithstanding, the rest of the entertainers are sure to steer clear _at least 500 f_ eet if they ever cross you in a dark alley!"

"They will, if they know _what's good for them_!" The German woman shot back with a smirk as she leaned her somewhat shaky form against her friend for support. "Although, I suppose I can forgive Bill for making me sound like I was some sort of _penis-sprouting transvestite_ , considering in the end, Ema _did_ get her ring back from _the black hole_!"

"I hope she remembers to never spray that thing with _Luminol_ in front of Klavier! She'd sure have a tough time explaining the _evidence_ to her fiancé in that event!" Maya wiped away a straight tear of laughter from her eye. "Even though Ema got her ring back from the _pits of hell_ , she still may need to _scientifically investigate_ _what cleaning compounds_ will be needed to make it _spotless_ again, seeing as how it was _covered in oil and glitter_!"

" _Shhh_!" Franziska snickered and put her finger to her lips as they exited the elevator on the penthouse floor. "The whole case of the missing ring is supposed to be a _secret among us girls_ , remember? We can't ever let our husband find out about that!"

"There are _a lot of secrets_ that came out tonight about our husband's _that never need to see the light of day_!" Maya flushed guiltily at the memory of the personal details she herself had divulged about her own spouse. "The men wouldn't be able to look each other in the eye again, _ever_!"

" _Pfft_!" Franziska scoffed, twittering madly as she fumbled with her keys in the lock. " _What they don't know, won't hurt them_ , right? A few _harmless secr_ ets in a marriage just add to the intrigue and overall mystique, I say!" She finally managed to get the door unlocked and pushed it open slowly, turning around and placing a finger to her lips again. "Let's be really quiet. They're probably all asleep."

Maya nodded and tiptoed in after her friend, casting an apprehensive glance around the condominium as Franziska quietly took off her shoes by the front door and flicked on the overhead light. Both women reflexively held their breath as they took their first glance around, and their jaws dropped open in shock at their findings.

The place was _totally spotless_!

There was no stains, spills or not even a speck of dust in sight whatsoever, nor even a decorative knickknack even marginally askew. While the Kurain Master was extremely relieved, she was also _beyond flabbergasted_ at the discovery that _absolutely nothing_ was amiss. The place looked perfect…almost… _too perfect_?

Franziska appeared to be having the same thoughts.

"Well what do you know?" She didn't even attempt to mask the wonder in her voice. "The place is _still standing_ and _isn't_ on fire! I'm impressed! I didn't think they could do it!"

"I guess we underestimated them," Maya murmured thoughtfully as she stepped into the dimly lit living room. She reached over to flick on the Tiffany lamp on one of the end tables, and blinked rapidly, as it took a moment for her pupils to grow accustomed to the lighting in the formerly darkened room. As her eyes finally adjusted, the spirit medium sharply halted in her tracks, and clapped a hand to her mouth at the sight that greeted her on the couch.

Gregory and Mila were presumably fast asleep in their own beds, so nestled on the sofa were Ace and Mia, each curled up in the fetal position at opposite ends, their slumbering heads resting against the buttery soft leather arm cushions, looking like two sleeping cherubs. Maya was immensely relieved that her children, although both dressed in strange, _unfamiliar clothing_ , appeared to be peaceful and otherwise well-kept and cared for.

No, it most definitely wasn't the discovered state of the _Fey-Wright offspring_ that had Maya's eyes nearly bugging out of her head! Coming up behind her, Franziska _abruptly_ walked right into the dark-haired woman's back and produced a startled gasp as she at last saw the same vision that had the Kurain Master's shoulders now shaking with silent, hysterical laughter.

Sitting semi-slumped on the loveseat, propped up against one another, with each of their heads resting against the other's for support, were Phoenix and Miles, both also completely dead to the world – and _both_ sporting the most _gaudy, God-awful, cosmetic calamities known to man_ on their visages!

 _Good Lord! What is_ _ **this**_ _latest level_ _ **foolishness**_ _?!_ Franziska thought in disbelief. _Did a makeup bomb go off on my husband's_ _face_? _How in Christ's name are both my Miles and Phoenix wearing more makeup than Max Galactica and Moe the Clown_ _ **combined**_ _?!_

Maya could barely recognize her husband. Phoenix had always sported a healthy tan, neither too dark nor light, but a perfect golden hue that always contrasted beautifully with his dark hair and indigo blue eyes, which he fortunately managed to maintain year-round while living in sunny Los Angeles.

However there was _quite_ the glaring distinction between well-baked tan… And _burnished carrot!_

Maya couldn't stop laughing as she discreetly reached into her bag for her cell phone and stealthily snapped a couple of pictures of her slumbering husband and best friend in their current _drag queen gone wild_ state!

 _What the shit, Nick?!_ _Your attempt to hide yourself among that tribe of Oompa Loompas won't work; we know you're not naturally orange!_ _Those dark pink blush circles on your cheeks against that faux tanned skin would make even_ _ **Miss Piggy**_ _raise an objection! Ack! I'm not sure what's scarier between those thick,_ _ **floating caterpillar**_ _eyebrows and whitening around the eyes…_ _those Tammy Faye Bakker spidery lashes…or….Jesus Christ – that_ _ **paint-by-number eyeshadow**_ _…_ _ **Gah**_ _! 1984 just called! It wants_ _ **its electric blue eyelids**_ _back!_

The silver haired woman noted her friend snapping photos of the two men, but while amused, found it unnecessary, because the image of her husband in his current state would be _forever seared into her skull_.

In contrast to his best friend, Miles was slightly fairer in complexion, and partially due to his long work hours and partially by choice, tended to avoid sun tanning, so that even now in his fourth decade, his face was very minimally lined with any signs of aging, something Franziska had always admired about her timelessly handsome husband.

At the moment though, she realized there was a huge difference between a _fair-skinned face_ and one that was as _alabaster as a cadaver in a morgue_!

The chief prosecutor's face was a canvas of _snowy white,_ almost like a mime, over which he had heavily rouged, bright pink cheeks, the left one bearing a painted on, _glittery pink star._ Frosty, Barbie-esque pink lipstick covered his mouth, made three times its original size, _like a circus clown_. Franziska wasn't sure _which_ of her husband's mismatched eyes was _more_ of an outlandish beauty faux pas! On his _left_ eye was such heavy black eyeshadow that it made him resemble the victim of a lost brawl in Fight Club! And on the _right_ eye was what could only be described as _blood red eyeshadow_ (the same one that had been used to fill in both his eyebrows into McDonald's "M" rounded arches) that made him look _positively sinister_ , as if he'd just struck a deal with the _devil himself_!

"I have no idea what to say!" Franziska hissed into the still sniggering Maya's ear. "People have always said my husband was a bit of a _pretty boy_ … Albeit nowhere near Klavier's league of course… But now looking at him made up like this, I wonder if he really looks _that_ bad?"

 _She_ _ **must**_ _still be wearing her beer goggles!_ Maya stared at her friend incredulously. _What is it they say,_ _ **beauty is in the eye of the beer holder**_ _?! I love Nick, and I think he's gorgeous but love is not blind in my case! I will be the_ _ **first**_ _to acknowledge that in this current state…he and that normally very handsome best friend of his… Are_ _ **the most damn ugly women**_ _I have ever seen in my whole life!_

Franziska caught the flummoxed look on Maya's face and completely cracked up.

"Just _kidding_!" She trilled, grabbing the phone out of the other woman's hand and taking one more photo of the men for good measure. "You should have _seen_ the look on your face, Maya! There is not enough alcohol in the world that would make me accept _this new look,_ even if it indeed is a sign of my husband going through a _midlife crisis_!"

"He'll be going through _some_ sort of crisis, _no doubt_ , once he sees these photos as a reminder that, _pretty boy_ or not, he makes a _hideous lady_!" Maya crowed. "What on earth do you think happened here?!"

She had spoken louder than she intended, because at that moment Phoenix stirred slightly, yawned, and tried to grind the sleep out of his overly made-up eyes with his fists. The gesture only further smudged the heavy makeup around the dark blue orbs, making him resemble an _overworked, retro 80s prostitute_! He blinked groggily, then turned his head and spotted the two women.

At the sight of his wife, Phoenix all but leapt towards her, uncaring that the action made the dozing Edgeworth abruptly fall sideways onto the couch cushion and awaken with a curse.

" _Son of a biscuit-maker_!" He groaned, slowly pushing himself up back into a seated position and rolling his neck slowly, before glaring at his best friend, who was literally on his knees and wrapping his arms around his wife's waist while he buried his grossly painted visage against her, uncaring about the makeup smears left behind on her skirt. "Thanks _a lot_ , Wright!"

Phoenix didn't even hear him; he was too busy essentially weeping tears of relief against Maya's dress.

"Oh, my love, _thank Christ_ you're back!" He practically sobbed, lifting his head so Maya could see the humility and veracity in his expression, despite his huge, garish clown-mouth, made three times its original size in red. "I am so sorry for ever even _implying,_ in any way, shape or form that my job is more difficult than yours! You have the most _difficult job in the entire world_ , _without pay, often without thanks, without even credit_ at times and I was a fool to ever say or think otherwise, and I swear I will tell Apollo, and _any_ _man_ that will listen, of _my first-hand discovery_ this evening! I have been in your shoes for only _one night_ , Maya, and I _already_ most humbly beg your forgiveness for _ever_ underestimating just what an _incredible superhero_ wife and mother you are!"

"Oh, Nick." Maya was torn between laughter and sympathetic tears at her husband's overly dramatic, but heartfelt speech. She tenderly brushed aside the stubborn lock of hair that always fell onto his forehead and smiled indulgently. "I don't know _what_ exactly happened tonight to bring you to this _most delayed_ revelation, but better late than never, right? Of course I forgive you!"

"You're an angel, Maya Fey-Wright." Phoenix remained on his knees as he looked up adoringly at his wife and mother of his children. "You are ever a saintly woman to pardon her daft husband for being a young and naïve fool with his previously clueless beliefs!"

"For the love of all that is holy, Wright pull yourself together and _attempt_ to have _some_ sort of dignity!" Edgeworth exclaimed, having at last realized that the women had returned. "I will not refute the _fool_ part of that statement, but need I remind you that your allegedly _young and naïve self_ made those imbecilic previous claims only _several hours ago?_ "

"It felt like a _lifetime_ ago!" Phoenix rose to his feet, but kept his wife clasped tightly in his arms, like a drowning sailor clutching a buoy. He scowled at Edgeworth over his shoulder before turning back to look at Maya. "I swear, my love, I will do _anything_ you ever ask, include _giving you breakfast in bed every day for a month_ , just as long as you promise to _never_ leave me again!"

" _Wright_ ," Edgeworth grumbled, coming over to stand before his own wife and shaking his head at his friend. "Are you _just about through_ with your groveling?"

"Don't you _dare_ pick on him for being man enough to realize the error of his ways, _Herr_ Edgeworth, for I found the foolish fool's heartrending soliloquy of defeat to be _most moving and poignant_!" Franziska drawled, a smug smile playing on her lips. "Might I add that at this point, a similar exercise of _eating humble pie_ would not exactly hurt _you_ , either, _husband of mine_ , seeing as how _you_ appear to be slightly _worse for wear_ than Phoenix, solely based on the evidence of _your facial war paint?_!"

"I was not intending to pick on him in the least! I was merely inquiring, _meine dame_ , if he was through with his expressing _his_ unsurpassed humility, so that I might begin my own."

Slightly more dignified, but looking equally as contrite as the defense attorney, Edgeworth humbly bowed before his wife before taking her hand, lifting it to his lips, and placing kiss upon it.

"Wright seems to have taken the words right out of my mouth, so there is not much more I can add to that impassioned oration, Franziska. Yet I still know you deserve so much more than to have me merely say ' _everything he said_ , _that goes double for me'_!" Edgeworth leaned over and gently pressed a kiss against her forehead. "All I can do is offer my own sincerest apologies, if there was ever a time I made you feel unappreciated or unvalued for everything you do for me and our twins, who are so blessed to have you. In this mêlée of _undermined, malcontented mothers_ versus _unjustifiably misguided fathers_ , I have been slain in action on that battlefield, and undone by my own words. I lay my sword at your feet, while I surrender in defeat and concede to the error of my ways, and hope that you will find it within your heart to pardon my sin for even _briefly_ thinking that your job of wife and mother was child's play compared to my own."

Franziska blinked in surprise, obviously less accustomed than Maya to have her spouse humble himself in such a manner, but the love and gratitude in her eyes was unmistakable.

" _Danke, liebling_ ," she whispered, gently patting her husband's starkly ashen cheek. "I accept your apology." She looked over at the mercifully, still-sleeping children on the sofa and a slight line creased her smooth brow. "Hold on, isn't that our daughter's dress that Mia is wearing right now? And why is Ace swearing your cashmere T-shirt, Miles?"

"It's quite late. You must be exhausted _meine dame."_ In lieu of a response, Edgeworth swiftly lifted his wife up into his arms and began heading down the hall towards the bedroom. "Allow me to be your gallant knight and escort you to your bed chambers so that you may rest your weary head. I wish you a good night Wright, Maya. Drive safe, and I'm sure you can see yourselves out, just make sure you lock the door before you pull it shut. Pleasant dreams!"

With that, the chief prosecutor practically raced out of the room, with his giggling wife cradled in his stronghold, leaving the highly entertained the defense attorney and his equally amused spouse standing alone in the living room.

"Talk about your dramatic exit," Phoenix chuckled, wrapping an arm around his wife's shoulder.

"Both of you could have taught Shakespeare himself a thing or two on the _chivalrous apology speech_ front!" Maya twittered, clapping her hand over her mouth so as not to wake the children. "While I am equally impressed at the ardor of both eloquent verses spoken by Sir Red Knight and Sir Blue Knight, I must confess, Miles downright _astounded_ me tonight! I never thought I would live to see the day that the haughty Miles Edgeworth would ever admit to his follies, and in _such a poetic manner!"_

"Does that mean it sounded more impactful coming from _him_ than _me_ , since _I'm_ usually much more willing to admit when I've messed up?" Phoenix couldn't help but feel slightly hurt. "You really know how to hurt a man, Maya!"

"Of course not!" Maya looked at him lovingly. "And I accept your apology, _each and every time_ with _my whole heart,_ because _that's what you always apologize to me_ _ **with.**_ Yes, you _are_ known to be a bit of screw-up, at times, Phoenix Wright, but you're _my_ lovable screw-up! And I wouldn't trade you or change a thing about you, for anything in the entire world!"

"You're the best, Maya Fey-Wright." Phoenix shot her a thankful grin. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve a gem like you."

"I also forgave you because holding a grudge is like letting someone live _rent free_ in your head, which _just won't do_! That's some a _pretty valuable real estate_ I got going on up there!"

Phoenix cracked up then. His wife was truly one in a million, and no matter how old she got, underneath it all, she was still the same goofy, lovable teenager he had fallen in love with almost 20 years ago.

"There's just one more thing to keep in mind that might make you feel better, Nick." Maya's dark eyes twinkled mischievously as she scooped up the sleeping Ace while her husband carefully lifted Mia off the sofa. " _I'm_ way more easy-going and forgiving than _Franziska_ is, which is usually not an issue for those two, since Miles doesn't screw-up anywhere near as often as you do! However, this also means _he's not gonna get off the hook as easily_ , either, with merely a simple _apology_! Keep in mind that it's late, and that the birthday girl is _still_ pretty damn shit-faced right now! But mark my words, come tomorrow morning, when she's no longer inebriated or distracted by his _harlequin harlot impersonation_ , Miles is gonna have to make a _one helluva of a grand gesture,_ not to mention, _give one hell of an explanation_ for that _new hack_ _job_ of his!"

"So you _did_ notice!"

"Hey, I was a designated driver tonight so I'm stone cold sober! Of _course_ I noticed! I've always believed that you should treat people as you would like to be treated, _karma_ is only a bitch if you are!" Maya giggled softly. "And when Franziska finds out the truth, her husband's gonna get a really painful reminder of _what her maiden name was_!"

"I am certain that _son of a biscuit-maker_ will be cursing his constant impudent yet unassailably perfect logic at that point!" Phoenix's eyes were dancing with merriment as he leaned down and tried to kiss her, but she drew back slightly, laughingly shaking her head and wrinkling her pert nose.

"Back off, _RuPaul_! I refuse to let you kiss me again until you once again resemble the _handsome man I married_ and not some _slutty carrot_!" Maya teased. "I don't know if either one of you looked in the mirror at all Nick, but let's just say _Miles wasn't the only drag queen_ who looked like a _scary-ass clown whore_ tonight!"

* * *

 _ **Ema Skye**_  
 _Skye-Gavin Residence, Los Angeles_  
June 22, 2034 3:00 AM

 _Shit! I can't believe how late it is! I promised Klavier I'd be home just after midnight so we could go over that case file together when I got home! He's going to be so pissed!_ Ema stumbled slightly through her door and cursed her rotten luck. _At least I got my ring back, so our stripper stake-out tonight wasn't a total bust! Totally didn't see that coming! Alcohol is an evil thing! I swear I am_ ** _never_** _drinking again!_

Just as she was tiptoeing through the living room on the way bed, she heavily stubbed her bare toe against the heavy wooden cuckoo clock in the hall. She bit back a cry of pain and barely resisted the urge to give it a swift kick. The forensic scientist detested the damn noisy thing, but was stuck with it, as it was a sentimental family heirloom that had belonged to Klavier's grandfather.

At that moment, the accursed clock started up, and cuckooed three times! Ema's eyes widened with panic.

 _God dammit! This blasted thing is gonna rat me out!_

Quickly realizing her fiancé could possibly wake up, she thought fast and cuckooed another nine times, priding herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totaled 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!

 _Whew! Got away with that one!_ She giggled to herself as she staggered down the hall towards the bedroom. _What my glimmerous fop doesn't know won't hurt him!  
_

* * *

 _ **Dick Gumshoe and Maggey Gumshoe**_  
 _Empire Bellagio, Los Angeles_  
Gumshoe's Condo Suit 707  
June 22, 2034 3:10 AM

"Mmm…welcome home, honey." Gumshoe mumbled drowsily as he heard his wife's quiet footsteps padding into the bedroom. "Did everything work out okay with Ema and the ring…?"

The next thing he knew, the bedside lamp flickered on, and his eyes widened to the size of saucers at the sight of his lovely, but normally more modest wife, wearing a _sexy as hell, Catwoman_ domineering costume! The police chief's mouth went dry as all thoughts of _sleep_ instantly vanished from his mind.

"Where did you get _that_?" He rasped.

"Just a little something I've had in the closet for a while that I finally felt like taking out for a spin." Maggey purred, doing a little twirl so he could admire her curves, which were fully displayed in a leather, wet-look black bra with suspender straps, a crisscross strap bodice, matching booty shorts, fingerless gloves, and attached adjustable garters, including fishnet stockings. "You likey?"

"Me _lovey_!" Gumshoe's gaze hungrily devoured her as he took in the rest of the details of her ensemble. On her neck was choker with a bell, and over her face was wet look cat mask, with kitty ears, and large cutouts for the eyes, so he could see the sultry expression within them, but other than that, it tightly encased her entire head and came down far on her face… _All the way up to her nose_. "But, how are you _breathing_ in that mask? That leathery/rubbery headpiece looks like it's covering your _nostrils_ honey!"

 _That was the idea, Sir Farts a-Lot!_

"No time for small talk!" Maggey lunged at him then and she produced a pair of silver handcuffs, which she spun around on her finger. "Look what _else_ I happened to find when I looked in that closet!"

" _Meow!"_

"You may not be a Detective anymore, but you're still technically _a boy in blue_!" There was wicked grin on her face. "It's _Dick investigation time_! There's some _barely concealed evidence_ to be found if you do a _thorough body inspection…"  
_

* * *

 _ **Adrian Andrews and Simon Blackquill**_  
 _Andrews-Blackquill Residence, Los Angeles_  
June 22, 2034 3:30 AM

The Twisted Samurai had been lying in blissful slumber in his bed, when all of a sudden, he felt a slight dip on the other side of the mattress as his fiancée crawled under the sheets and snuggled up to him.

"Did you have a good time tonight?" He murmured sleepily, then let out a startled gasp as he suddenly found himself being pinned down to the bed as Adrian grabbed his wrists and straddled him, a seductive smile flickering across her features in the pale moonlight streaming through the bedroom window.

"Oh, baby, I had _a night to remember_ , all right!" She was already in the process of tearing open the buttons that held together his pajama top. "Now, _take off that armor_ , Samurai, and _run that katana blade of yours right through me_!"

* * *

 _ **Ema Skye and Klavier Gavin**_  
 _Skye-Gavin Residence, Los Angeles_  
June 22, 2034 8:00 AM

" _Guten Morgen,_ _Fräulein Forensischer Wissenschaftler,"_ Klavier waved at his fiancée with the spatula he was currently using to stir whatever heavenly concoction he was making on the stove when Ema dragged herself into the kitchen the next morning. "Rise and shine! I made you a great breakfast so you'd be fully energized to go over that case file we were supposed to look at last night."

He spooned some bacon and scrambled eggs onto a plate and presented it to her with a flourish, giving her jaunty wink as he did so.

"You might appreciate the grease after your wild girl's night out," he said with a knowing smile as he turned back towards the stove to get his own food, not noticing the steadily climbing blush creeping up Ema's cheeks. "I passed out at around eleven or so but I thought you'd wake me up when you got home. What time _did_ you get in last night, _schätzchen_?"

"Um… midnight." She greedily chugged down the freshly squeezed orange juice he presented her then, grateful for the fact that the large glass temporarily masked her surely guilty looking expression. "But you looked so cute and peaceful when you were asleep that I didn't have the heart to wake you up."

"Well I don't think I'll take us too long to go over the files, perhaps an hour, or two, maximum." Klavier brought his plate over to the table and sat down next to her. "Did we have anything else planned today besides that?"

"Not that I know of." Ema tucked ravenously into her breakfast. Her fiancé was such a sweetheart! The greasy fare was _exactly_ what her hungover ass had needed! "Did you have anything in mind, babe?"

"Indeed I do. I think we need to go shopping for a new cuckoo clock. It appears after nearly a century, my family heirloom is on the fritz."

"Say _what_?" Ema's eyes practically bugged out of her head. " _Why_ would you say _that_?"

"Because _the strangest thing_ happened last night," the former rock star replied innocently, although there was a naughty glint in his blue eyes. "Our clock cuckooed three times, and then said, ' _Oh. Shit_ ,' cuckooed _four more times_ , cleared its throat, cuckooed _another three times_ , giggled, cuckooed _twice more_ , and then tripped over the coffee table, and let out a _fart_ that measured _at least an 8_ on the Richter scale!"

" _Gah_!"

" _Achtung_ _Baby_!"

Klavier managed to thump his fiancée on the back just in time as Ema nearly choked on her home fried potatoes.

* * *

 _ **Miles Edgeworth and Franziska Von-Edgeworth**_  
 _Edgeworth's Penthouse, Los Angeles_  
June 22, 2034 8:15 AM

Edgeworth was jolted from his peaceful sleep by a combination of the loud pulsating sound of Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" blaring from the bedroom wall speakers, as well as the harsh German obscenities being spewed at a rapid-fire pace by a very irate-sounding Franziska!

"Miles Edgeworth, get your foolish self out of that bed immediately and start talking!"

 _Egad, woman! What could possibly be the problem_ _ **now**_ _?!_

The prosecutor was panicking as he shot off the sheets like a rocket. His heart thudded fearfully as he contemplated whatever could have gone awry. He'd been absolutely positive his now _very wealthy butler_ had successfully removed _any and all_ incriminating pieces of evidence from the night before!

 _Well, everything with the exception of my and Gregory's haircuts! An explanation which I was hoping she would be most understanding about when I told her about it! Of course, I thought it would be much, much_ _ **later**_ _ **than this**_ _! I thought hungover people tended to sleep in?! It was practically dawn when I carried her to bed… Why is she even up already?!_

Edgeworth could feel the blood draining from his face as he met his wife's eyes across the room, which were narrowed into suspicious little slits.

"I woke up a few moments ago to answer the call of nature," Franziska informed him, her trusty whip already in her hand as she glared at her husband. "Afterword, I thought I would peep in on my darling children, as they were innocently nestled in their beds. Imagine my reaction when I saw that my _daughter_ was exactly in the same state as she had been when I entrusted her in your care… Yet my _son_ … _barely has any hair remaining on his head_!"

Edgeworth gulped slightly. This morning, his wife was _nothing_ like the giggly, sweet woman he had brought to bed the night before, who had then promptly passed out the minute her head had hit the pillow. He had absolutely taken for granted just _how much_ _of her benign behavior_ might have been contributed to the alcohol, which obviously was no longer in her system!

"Well you see, it's not as big a deal as you would think, _meine dame_." He tried to speak lightly. "Our son happened to get some gum stuck in his hair that had to be cut out, and was absolutely devastated when the hairdresser I called over to the house for the last-minute emergency told him it'd mean his bangs would no longer be long, like my own." He offered a tentative smile when he saw that while his wife still appeared displeased, she no longer looked _as_ homicidal. "It was my efforts to placate the boy that resulted in getting my own hair trimmed as well."

The chief prosecutor ran a self-conscious hand through his hair, which he ruefully acknowledged his best friend _hadn't_ been lying about, and truly wasn't anywhere as short as he had feared – the ends of his bangs fell just at his temples. He had finally taken stock of his new haircut when he'd been forced to look in the mirror, while slathering on about a _pound of Franziska's cold cream_ to remove the _ten-layers and ten-pounds_ of artifice from his face before he been able to come to bed. He shuddered at the memory.

 _My frightful face was the surely the inspiration most nightmares are stemmed from! To think I'd been critiquing_ _ **Wright**_ _for being_ _ **the most repulsive woman I'd ever seen**_ _! My own_ _ **Dame Edna**_ _transvestite appearance would've made_ _ **beauty queens**_ _out of_ _ **both**_ _of Cinderella's grotesque, wicked stepsisters! Thank heavens there's_ _ **no tangible proof**_ _of the sorry state we were_ _ **both**_ _in, all in the name of_ _ **attempted good fatherhood!**_

"Er, do you find the cut pleasing, Franziska?" He asked apprehensively. "I do hope you are not too angry about the circumstances regarding our little moppet's. Gregory really does look even more mature and handsome now, you'll see what I mean when he wakes up."

" _I_ hope you're telling the truth about our son, Miles." While her tone was even and civil, Franziska remained tightlipped and stormy-eyed. "As for _your_ hair, this morning when I woke up to the _makeup-free, fetching face_ of the man that I had married, and not that of _a ghoulish Geisha,_ I realized _how_ partial I was to your new haircut. So I crept back into the room, put on some sexy, ah, _mood music_ , and reached into our _fun time drawer_ , hoping to give you a _special surprise wakeup call_ with _creative proof_ of _just_ how much I liked your new look."

 _If she accepted the explanation about Gregory's new hair, and even appreciates mine, why does she still look like she wants to strangle me with that whip?!_ Edgeworth was completely lost. _I simply cannot fathom her visibly irked state in the least!_

Then his mouth went dry as he realized that his wife was presently standing _next to their bedside table_ , with the _bottom drawer flung open_! She smirked as she saw the look of understanding slowly dawning upon his face.

"Imagine how I felt when upon looking inside and examining the contents of that drawer, _I_ was the one who was surprised instead _,_ " the former prosecutor said silkily, even though her gray eyes were like chips of ice. "Tell me, _liebling_ , do you _also have an equally convincing explanation_ like you did _for the haircuts…_ with regards to why our _Bijoux Indiscreet Frisky Feather Tickler_ is now missing, along with the entire bottle of _divine nectar raspberry lime body glide, and_ the handcuffs?!"

Edgeworth was speechless. He had momentarily forgotten about the telltale items that were no longer in that private drawer, but had certainly _intended_ to replace them as soon as possible... All with the intention that his wife would never find out about the missing erotic paraphernalia!

 _What are the odds that she would be feeling_ _ **imaginatively amorous**_ _the morning after…when she's supposed to be sleeping off a hangover?! It is unbelievable how last night cost me the same amount of hush money as it would take to buy a small third world nation, but my exposure and ultimate downfall…was_ _ **our sexual proclivities**_ _?!_

"You have exactly _30 seconds and counting_ to explain yourself Miles Edgeworth!" Franziska cracked her whip against the wooden bedpost with a sharp snapping sound and brandished it menacingly overhead . "Or else your _access to the backyard_ will be forbidden for _the next three months_!"

* * *

 _ **Phoenix Wright and Maya Fey-Wright**_  
 _Fey-Wright Residence, Los Angeles_  
June 22, 2034 8:30 AM

"Nick, you're spoiling me!" Maya laughed giddily as her husband presented her with a scrumptious-looking plate, containing fresh cut fruit, blueberry flapjacks, drizzled with maple syrup, and breakfast link sausages. There was a single red rose lying on the tray the plate sat on, which Phoenix placed on his wife's lap while she sat up in bed, beaming. "I never really expected you to make good on that offer of a month's breakfast in bed! I thought if I ever called you on it, you'd tell me to _sleep in the kitchen_!"

"Now that wouldn't be any way to treat the love of my life, would it?" The defense attorney placed a light kiss on his wife's cheek and smiled lovingly. "Especially when I am honor-bound to show her how much I appreciate all she does for me and this family! I said it and I meant it, Maya. Every day for a month…or until you become sick of my pancakes, because you know that's all I know how to cook!"

"Oh, I think I could suck it up and allow this butt-kissing breakfast in bed racket for _at least_ a week!" She grinned impishly, popping a strawberry into her mouth. "Thank you, Nick. This is all so great. Are the kids still in bed?"

"Mia and I ate already, and Ace is still out like a light," he informed her. "Our daughter is watching TV in the living room, but it seems our son is still worn out from last night – he didn't even stir when I stripped off his _expensive, Italian wool onsie_ and put on his diaper and PJ's!"

"I'm assuming Miles doesn't want that shirt back?" Maya giggled as Phoenix shook his head. "Suits me fine – I've always wanted to own something cashmere! However, I am so sorry that I forgot to leave you with the diaper bag when I took off last night, Nick."

"I told you, my love, there's no need to apologize. Edgeworth and I were being total _asshats_ , and you girls took off in a huff because you were justifiably angry." Phoenix shrugged and took a seat beside her on the bed. "It's all water under the Dusky Bridge, OK?"

"If you say so." Maya happily resumed eating her breakfast. "I just wish I knew what had happened yesterday to make you so willing to _eat crow,_ Nick! Are you _sure_ that _nothing out of the ordinary_ occurred to bring out this unexpected Turnabout Humble Husband?"

"Maya, I will atone for last night, and my idiotic words, for as long as necessary," he told her, looking slightly pained at the reminder. "However, I would prefer if the _memories_ of last night, which brought me to the enlightened revelation of what being an Ace Mommy is all about, remain _dead and buried,_ if you don't mind?"

"Sure thing." Maya put the empty tray to the side, leaned over, and pecked her husband on the lips. "It's nice to have things be back to normal, including having a spouse who no longer resembles Frankfurt from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_!"

"It _never_ happened!" Phoenix insisted, grabbing the tray and rising from the bed. "And there's _no evidence_ that it _did_!" His eyes were closed as he leaned down for another kiss, so he missed the knowing smirk on his wife's face. "I think I hear Ace waking up on the baby monitor. I'm going to go check on him. You just stay put and relax for a bit."

"You don't need to ask me twice!" Maya stretched out luxuriously on the mattress, and was about to browse through the _Oh Cult!_ magazine sitting on her bedside night table, when Mia suddenly entered the room.

"Good Morning, Mommy! You're finally awake!" The little girl squealed, running towards her mother.

"I'm not a little rubber ball like you," Maya smiled, extending her arms downward and lifting her daughter onto her lap. "I can't just bounce back as quickly as you and your brother, so Mommy needs a little bit of extra rest so she can keep up with the two of you!"

"That's OK. Daddy says we need to give you all the rest you need, and if me and Ace need anything today, we're supposed to come to _him_ and not bug _you_!"

"Mia, you never _bug_ me!" Maya smoothed the silky caramel hair off the tiny, cherubic face as she kissed her forehead. "Your Daddy is just trying to make sure that he pulls his weight equally on the parental front, but if you ever _really_ need anything and he's busy, know that you can _always_ come to me."

"I was hoping you would say that!" Mia replied, suddenly looking very solemn. "Because right now Daddy is busy changing Ace, and there was something that's been on my mind since yesterday. I'm hoping you can answer my question, even though you're not a lawyer like Daddy, because you used to be his legal assistant, right?"

"Right." The Kurain Master nodded, slightly perplexed with her daughter's suddenly somber tone. "I'll do my best to try to answer, honey. What did you want to know?"

"I know Daddy would love it if I became a lawyer like he is when I grow up," Mia began, looking slightly troubled. "And I thought that's what I would want to do too! But there's something I need to know first…"

"Yes?" Maya was downright weary now at the pensive look in the expressive brown eyes.

"Mommy, when a judge like Mel Practiss tells a lady attorney ' _I would not mind making a_ _ **deeper inquiry**_ _right now, Misty Meanor_ '…" Mia tilted her head to the side and eyed her mother curiously. "And then he pops his head up her skirt and between her legs ... is he looking for _some_ _sort of evidence_ up there?"

Maya was so shocked by the question that she literally staggered and fell backward against the headboard with a heavy thud, her mind swirling at a million miles per hour as she tried to digest what she had just heard.

 _Mystic Ami help me!_

"Mia Misty Fey-Wright!" She gasped, clutching a hand to her chest as she regarded her daughter with eyes the size of silver dollars. "Where on _God's green earth_ would you get the idea to ask me such a question?!"

"Well, Ace put on this movie that was in Uncle Miles' DVD player yesterday, and it's been on my mind ever since!" Unaware that she had just _scandalized her poor mother to the very core_ , Mia shrugged helplessly, looking at Maya with inquisitive, earnest eyes. "So can you tell me, Mommy, is that what they mean by _concealed evidence_? And is _that_ how they look for it? Because if so, I don't think I want to be a lawyer _at all_!"

Maya literally could feel her blood pressure rising as she finally found her voice, and through a crimson haze now clouding her vision, let out a thundering bellow that shook the rooftop of their condominium and made poor Mia cover her little ears with her hands.

" _ **Phoenix Gryphon Wright**_ _! Get your_ _ **lying, no-good, irresponsible ass**_ _in here_ _ **this instant!"**_

 **THE END  
**

* * *

 **A/N:** I'm going to now address something that quite a few of my readers have asked me, which is whether or not _Double DILF Doodies_ is the epilogue to _Turnabout Everlasting._

 **In short, the answer is** **_no_**. Much like _Filling the Void_ and my soon to be resumed, _Crossfire, DDD_ is 100% a standalone story, and any parallels that you notice should not be taken as any indication as to the outcome of _this_ story. This story was written as a birthday gift to a very good friend of mine on this site, **Ilet Moratar** , who loves the heck out Franziska and Miles even more than I do Nick and Maya! **_The whole story concept and ideas of DDD were fulfilled as requested by my friend, as were the pairings in that story._**

 **Therefore _,_ yes, there is some overlap of OC's and TE crossover references/Easter eggs that I threw in for the sake of amusement to my very loyal readers of Turnabout Everlasting story. **It was never meant to be spoilers at all – more of an _insider_ sort of a thank you to them (because if you hadn't read TE, the references, while still funny, would have gone over the reader's head!) Hope that clarifies! :)

* * *

 _ **Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!**_

 **Chapter 10**

 **SkyiesTheLimit**

Thank you so much for your positive feedback on this chapter! I was a little bit worried that the gratuitous Spanish would get lost in translation along with the humor for people who didn't understand the context so you made my day! :-)

 **Yanmegaman**

I'd like to think that Phoenix would be a faithful husband and never even think of touchy… The problem is he still _such_ a dork even though he's older and hotter now that he never got out of the adorkable phase! (Seriously we have not witnessed him turning into a ladies man since the original trilogy have we?!) XD

It is so funny that you mention _Von Karmic_ retribution considering what Maya said in this chapter! LOL

 **Feraligreater328**

I am always happy for the reassurance on my comedic abilities because while I know I do angst well I know I'm not considered your typical comedy writer! Therefore, muchas gracias for letting me know I made you laugh! :-)

 **Chapter 9**

 **SkyiesTheLimit**

You are so very welcome sweetie - I hope that I gifted you with laughter on your special day and that it was a great one! :-)

 **Luffy**

Your comment on your mother being rough on combing your hair (I think that's all moms dear my mom and grandma were no exception!) Along with your bathroom cleaning brush self haircut from hell story was what inspired the whole scene with Leia the hairdresser desperately trying to protect Nick's spikes from her mother! LOL

 **Lotta Zem**

I'm happy your children escaped being murdered for playing hairdresser. Whenever you get around to the later chapters of turnabout everlasting, Maya makes a new friend who is in the hair industry, he got thrown out of the Boy Scouts forgiving all the other boys haircuts without the parents' permission! This was partially inspired by your story about your sign having a hole in his hair because of gum so muchas gracias for that!

Gum is an evil invention! I still cannot believe I escaped my childhood without needing to cut it out of my hair! However I had a lot of cow licks which I tried to cut off myself with scissors only result in getting myself a mullet! The 1980s was long past when I was little girl so there was no excuse for my appearance whatsoever! XD

 **Forgreatcoffee**

What I think is incredible is that Miles actually noticed the hairdresser! She must've been pretty hot – considering canon wise in his own games, and even a little bit in the Phoenix Wright games, while women tend to notice that Edgeworth is a babe, he is blissfully oblivious to all of it! However I do notice he tends to look really embarrassed on a few occasions but he does acknowledge the admiration and gets all adorably flustered very much like his best friend… These two truly are two of a kind!

I tried to make Gumshoe evolve _somewhat_ after all he is police chief now!

As for Phoenix diapering his son with a cashmere sweater… I imagine Edgeworth's reaction was way more priceless than the damn sweater itself! XD

Also Hendricks rocks! One of my readers actually compared him to be in the same ranks of Alfred from Batman! High praise indeed!

 **Yanmegaman**

I am so happy you notice the little budding romance between Mia and Gregory! I threw in the little head rubbing seen in chapter 10 especially for you! I don't know what they were thinking with some of the concept art for Miles Edgeworth for dual destinies but the picture I showed you guys last chapter as you see has him still looking like a total hottie! Nothing think Edgeworth could ever truly look bad!

 **Ilet Moratar**

It doesn't matter if you're not a hairdresser, my dear friend you are a gifted artist and absolutely hilarious commenter, not to mention a very good friend since you're the one I wrote the story for! Hendricks was being told to put up with lots of _merda_ \- literally and figuratively ! -so of course he had to put up a hard bargain! And tell Alia I thank her for her forgiveness and I hope she likes being mentioned in chapter 10!

 **Chapter 8**

 **Yanmegaman**

I try to think of the last guy on earth that anyone would ever want to see naked… And then I thought of what kind of dancer would particularly enthralled one of these crazy ladies… Therefore I gave you Bill Thigh the Science Guy! LOL

 **Ilet Moratar**

I really do like your potential suggestions for Miles and Franziska's children and their future career paths, and if there is enough reader interest and once I get a couple of other projects off my plate I would be delighted to explore with a feature takes these troublesome tots, and even throw in Gumshoes boys into the mix!

 **DannyDragon**

Thank you so much for telling me my Spanish is good; thankfully I have Google translates my dear Cuban friend and great readers like you to help me out! As one of my more humorous readers pointed out, little Gregory could be a Disney Princess with moves like a ballet dancer if his father would allow! (Personally I think Edgeworth would rather get trapped in an elevator again!)

 **Forgreatcoffee**

Edgeworth can be a very prideful and haughty man, but in the end of it all, he does love his wife more! :-)

It's really interesting how many of my readers got a kick out of Gregory and his Disney Princess ballet debut… It's really giving me some great ideas if I ever do decide to introduces characters in any my stories again! As for Ema… Thighs of steel _and_ he came out with a beaker dancing to _she blinded me with science_ … I mean give the poor girl a break…. She's only human! XD

 **Luffy**

It's really funny how Franziska was drunk enough to notice Ace was wearing a cashmere diaper but was too distracted by her husband's face to notice his haircut! Is funny how everyone thought Franziska was gonna freak out about the hair… But in the end _that_ wasn't quite what got Miles in trouble….

 **Chapter 7**

 **Luffy**

Your mom told me that you guys have dual destinies I really think you would enjoy Athena even though she is a redheaded _gringa_ , she has a very fiery nature which could make her an honorary Latina! I'm so pleased to know that you guys like Hendricks! He comes in a very steep price if you want to borrow him though… In America the average salary of a butler apparently ranges anywhere from $70K to $120K… The Englishman had been working for Miles for _twenty years_ … And now he's making triple whatever it was… Perhaps if he offered to name your firstborn after him he would consider it a fair trade?

 **Chapter 6**

 **Luffy**

I figure Miles and Franziska are so uptight in everyday life and in their jobs but of course they must unleash those wild passions in the bedroom hence the hedonistic items in that naughty fun time drawer! It's always the quiet ones you know!

Somehow the idea of you with triplets or twins my dear is even funnier than any concept I could've come up with in the story! If I were to have a child like Ace myself, I have no doubt that my husband would tie something of his own more than just his pants… XD

 **Chapter 5**

 **Luffy**

Your interest in Phoenix grew after certain statements in this chapter, you say? And whatever might _those_ be dear sister? ***smiles innocently***

Indiana Jones is hot and his hat takes up much less room than Jake's cowboy hat... But I think I would get sick of not seeing my husband had after a while regardless...Does he still call Lana bambina en la cama?

I think Franziska want up ingesting _the screaming Naz_ i drink instead of _the angry German_ I tried very hard to keep everybody in character in the story but actually think that German hellion is so fiery that not even marriage and motherhood could tame her too much! Zorro is lucky she did not use her whip!

As for Larry… Regardless of whether or not they are tears of joy or gratitude…post-coital weeping is just…no…. XD


End file.
